Teeny Weeny Itsy Bitsy Little Polka Dot Bikini

Dear Blog,

I have a confession to make.

As of this coming Friday, I am going on a 12 week diet to lose 24 pounds. I put my pants on today, and they were snug. When I bought them they were loose. That means that by June 1st, I will be ready for bikini weather even though it comes a bit sooner than that in Arizona.

Why am I doing this? Since I got married six years ago, my clothing size went up one size. And now, I just am not happy with the idea if I keep eating fast food and junk I am teetering on another size increase. No thank you!

My husband loves me anyway I am, but does that mean I should develop halitosis just because he will love me anyway? So, here I go to be skinny again. For the record, I am not fat but don't want to end up there. AAAAAAhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

I figure putting this commitment on my blog makes it more official.

To Hear or To See?

I saw a question asked, "If you had to choose between being blind or being deaf, which would it be and why?"

I would choose to be blind. Because I would be blind to judging someone by the way they look. I would be blind to obsessing about the dirt in the corners of my house. I would be blind to mean looks from people. I would be blind to worring about if I looked like the woman the media portrays for me to be. I would be blind to envying someone's possessions. I would be blind to lust. I would be color blind to racism. I would gain an hour back every day of my life because I probably wouldn't put so much thought and time into hair, makeup and wardrobe. Mostly, I would be blind from having to read my blog! But, If love is blind, that's what I would want to be.

If I couldn't hear I would forever miss the sound of the guitar when it is played. I would miss the piano notes. I would miss laughter. I would miss hearing people say, "I love you." I would always be left to my thoughts and trying to read people's faces and mouths. I would not be moved by the total emotion of music anymore. I would miss hearing my family speak. I would miss the busy sounds when people are gathered together. I would miss the noises of a kitchen when friends and family are around.

I am glad I can see stars, sunsets and Sedona. I am glad I can see my husbands eyes when he says, "I love you." I am eternally grateful that I can see and hear the beauty of life. It's a gift I take for granted.

The Spice of Life (Yes. I do realize my titles are cheesy.)

Last night I went to Prescott. I actually ordered meatloaf for dinner and I know not to do that at a restaurant. I should have listened to myself. It wasn't very good. The restaurant usually has really good food, and I have a challenge with myself to always order new things when I go to the same restaurants. I used to get stuck in a rut of ordering something the first time, finding it was good and never trying anything new. Since my sense of adventure took over and I started ordering new things, I have found if one dish at a restaurant is good, the chances are high that other things are equally as good.

The Airport Restaurant in Sedona is the best case of this. They have good salads, Mexcian dishes, sandwiches, and fancy food. They even have good pie. If I would have stuck with the Work Croissant every time I went, I wouldn't have known everything else there is good, too.

So, get out there and try something new. Yeah, you might get meatloaf every once in a while but isn't it worth it for getting to try all the other stuff, too?

Wanna Play?

This is a "Tag! You're It" kind of excercise except you have to volunteer to be tagged.

Carmon started a Interview Game as part of a “Blog-a-thon” at Buried Treasure Books to raise money for an Ethiopian orphan named Azanou who needs eye surgery. I volunteered at Michael's site, Chasing the Wind and answered those questions on my other blog. But, I am going to answer new questions here.



1. Favorite Book?

Very genuinely, The Bible. I could read it every day of my life and find something new.

2. What do you love most about your husband?

THE MOST? He treats me like the queen of the world.

3. Tell us about the first time a cyber friend turned into a real-live friend.

Actually, there was a local chat room when I first got internet in the mid 90s. I started talking to someone named PYRONE. Turned out I had a class with him in high school. We spent that whole summer together and had a great time. I wonder what happened to him???? I got married, he went to the east coast and I never heard from him again. Anyway, that is the first and ONLY. The idea of meeting people from the cyber-world creeps me out.

4. Give us the recipe to your quickest dish.
Wendy's
If I am actually cooking the quickest is burritos.

5. What time of day are you at your best?
About 2 hours after I wake up. (Regardless of what time I wake up.)


Now, here are the rules for this Blog-a-thon. I’ll offer to interview the next three people to respond to this post that will follow these rules:

1. Leave me (Amber) a comment saying “interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions here on Confessions of a Christian. They will be different questions than the ones above.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Why Not

I was out reading blogs and "Home, but far from it" had something fun!

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

This is VERY cliche, but the book just to my left (That's right, right next to the martini glass. Am I an oxymoron?) is the Bible.

So here they are.

Then he took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people. They responded, "We will do everything the Lord has said; we will obey. Moses then took the blood, sprinkled it on the people and said, "This is the blood covenant that the Lord has made with you in accordance with all these words."

I very seriously doubt I would appreciate someone sprinkling blood on me. Not cool!

Anyway, comment if you are going to do this exercise. What fun!

The world is as it should be for a moment.

Well, not only do I want to mention a new product being carried at my local grocery store called "Cocktails by Jen" but to all those I depressed with my story about Terri, there is good news.

First, Cocktails by Jen allow me to hang out at home, check my blog and watch American Idol while drinking bar quality drinks. As mentioned in previous posts, I don't like hanging out at bars. I help teens and I stand for something and so I think drinking in bars too often is a bad idea for obvious reasons. So, thanks, Cocktails by Jen for brining the bar to me.

Secondly, I found out that the judge in Terri's case is now reviewing whether her husband is fit to speak on behalf of her. Oh the joy of joys, the relief! See Amy's Blog for more info.

What a wonderful day!

I'm Having a Great Hair Day

Todd runs the high-profile office in town. Yesterday when I went to meet with him, I left feeling like they probably didn't really want me. He called today to say that they wanted to give me the last spot they had available in their office. WOW! I told him I would let him know my decision after my other interview today.

My hair looks great today. It is long and dark with some highlights. It has enough volume to look nice and noticeable but not so much that it looks silly. It is perfect today. I have this 2nd interview at 2. I get my eyebrows waxed at 3. I get my pedicure at 4. My hair appointment by pure coincidence is tomorrow morning. (I have to schedule ahead by 6-8 weeks or can't get in. Raul is high demand.) I will make my decision after my pampering session is done.

I feel great, like a new woman. This decision to jump ship has really stirred new life in me.

P.S. I don't get my nails done because they grow way too fast...there's no point.

!

I just found this blog!

American Soldier in Iraq

Lots of pictures and some stories. Kinda cool to see Iraq without the "media spin".

God Bless our soldiers!

I'm apolitical

I do not care much about politics. Really. I figure I am stuck paying taxes whether I want to or not. There are laws in place that prevent me from doing things I might want to do given the right circumstances. (Like wearing suspenders in Nogales, AZ. It is illegal and on the books but what if I want to wear them?)

Anyway, I worked hard on an article and I was hoping you would read it.

BUT BEFORE YOU DO...

I just wanted to say that this is about someone that deserves to live that can't. I think it is important that people know what is going on. A husband gets $1M if his wife dies. The husband probably makes TGs Ex look like a saint! This isn't in the news much....

Anyway...if this depresses you, read on to the next post and vote for your Muppet!

Take Five, On Me

I am supposed to be amusing, witty, dramatic or educational. I am not, thus my blog isn't either.

So instead of me thinking of something you would really enjoy, I have three activities you might like (no promises, though). Pick one or indulge in all!

I DELETED THIS ACTIVITY. IF YOU DIDN'T VISIT TODAY, YOU JUST MISSED OUT. VISIT MORE OFTEN AND YOU WILL NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM.


And as the last activity for this post, choose the muppet you like the best or would best describe you and comment on this post to let the world know. Picture included in case you forgot all the characters.

I am going to go with Gonzo, the lovable weirdo. He's my favorite and probably the most representative of me. I do like chicken! (And Gonzo is my favorite baseball player.)

I know that might be overwhelming for some to digest all in one post. I hope I have not caused any physical or emotional harm.

Thanks for stopping by. Have a nice day. Buh-bye!

Case Closed

I talked to Old Boss Man. It was sad. I was honest and forthright with him but very kind and gentle. It went well but he is sad. He said he is thinking about selling more seriously because his eye-sight is failing so quickly. He doesn't think he forgets things any more than any other person. He feels that managing 32 people makes it hard to keep everything straight (which is true). I don't know what will happen to him but I am leaving on very good terms.

News Flash

This just in....

Angry client isn't angry and wants to continue working with me. Of course, Old Boss Man said it was his "Midas Touch". Ha! Anyway, disaster averted but an eye opener that I need to protect my assets.

I will let you know how Monday goes- when I tell Old Boss Man that I am leaving. *sigh* I am not looking forward to that.

The Mundane Details of Friday Night in a Small Town

I think toNIGHT made up for toDAY. Poopy toes and I went to the local Mexican restaurant. Yum! Tacos, beans and rice, a pitcher of strawberry pina coladas and sopapillas.

The check came and I pulled out my wallet to pay. My sister said she would pay her half with her debit card. Then she remembered she didn't have her debit card, only her checks and this restaurant doesn't take checks. So big sis footed the bill with a promise of $18 to come.

We went to the play. She didn't want to go. I wasn't about to let her make me pay for dinner and then let her run. So she went. And laughed through the whole thing. It was a funny play. I went because one of my friends was in it. She is a good actress. Fun stuff! Admission was $8. Poopy toes had that much in cash.

She talked about her pseudo-boyfriend a lot. I talked about my senile Old Boss Man a lot. I am nervous about telling him I am leaving. I really like him and I know it is gonna hurt his feelings. The evening took the edge off a little, but I can feel the butterflies stirring again and I am not telling him until Monday!

So after the play, I take Poopy Toes back to her truck and her friend's car is parked next to her so she insists that we go inside to say hi. Her friend was there with her husband, brother, some other guy (looked like Slim Shady in a cowboy hat) and an aloof girl. The friend's brother is rude and mean. I was mean back. They had all been drinking and asked us to go hang out with them. Poopy toes and I were going to WalMart. (I have no idea why we go to WalMart so often, or why it ends up in stories. In a town of 12,000 people, the only thing open past 9 is WalMart and I needed supplies in the form of a Harry Potter movie. I much prefer Target.) Poopy toes decided that after WalMart she would go hang out with them.

So I am at home, typing a post for my blog and happy I am not at a strange house with mean men. I am bored though.

End of the Road

I have decided that I am going to change companies. My broker is crazy (literally senile) and he is telling everyone in the office a version of the real story that didn't happen but makes me look really bad if it did and is passing it off as fact. I stood there yesterday as he called an agent from another office to tell her what he understood as happening and it makes me look like an ass. I have to keep correcting him as to the sequence of events. I sent him an email so it it would be in writing. He still gets it wrong.

So I am quitting next week. Last month, his star agent (my guru) in Sedona left. I guess the star agent in the other town is leaving to open her own office and is taking half of that office with her. I am leaving. His office manager will probably be quitting next week, too. His office is going to fall down around his ears next week.

I can handle his senility but now that it is affecting me legally, I know I have to go. I am in this career for the long haul and I am not going to have him mess it up. My wise real estate guru said I need to call the disgruntled client and tell him I am leaving the company over the situation and try to smooth the waters. I had them pretty much smoothed with the guy yesterday evening, but my broker has talked to him twice since and he is talking about suing now.

I know the guy doesn't have a legal leg to stand on but it still sucks if it happens. I hope it all blows over but I am still gone.

I'm Feeling Philosophical

So I realized that there are so many things in life I could be....
and so many things I am not.

Even if you just take what I am already doing but make it better...
If I could devote all my time and energy to just one thing that I am....

I could be the next millionaire real estate developer, really the top "dog" in the game.

I could be the most physically fit person and look like the movie stars.

I could be the most spiritual person and spend all my time devoted to a higher cause. (Which it is, but in a sense of making a statement like Gandhi.)

I could have the cleanest house all the time. (Sans dog poop)

I could one thing well if that was all I had to do.

But instead I am a wife with a cold who runs a household, tries to maintain a full-time job while devoted part time to volunteer work and spends much free time to God-related stuff and blogging with little free time being spent on maintaining a body shape (Fighting the pear shape off desperately) who keeps up on some regular prime time TV shows (*sigh) and maintains serious friendships in at least 3 states and spends as much time as possible letting family know I care.

Therefore, I am not SuperWoman in any one area. I am average in most, above average in some and probably failing in others.

What to Do?

Old Boss Man (very literally, 83 years old) is losing his marbles. In fact, I am pretty sure there are two left and they are playing tag.

In AZ, no contract is legal and binding until it is in writing and signed by all parties. Bob had a verbal agreement with Sam to buy Sam's house. Bob was sent the paperwork to sign but didn't get it back until yesterday. I met with Sam this afternoon. In between Bob's offer coming in and my meeting with Sam, another offer came in. I presented both offers to Sam. Sam chose the second offer (not Bob's).

My boss said I should have withheld the second offer in order to force Sam to accept Bob's offer. It is my legal obligation to present all offers to clients.

Seriously, my boss is losing his marbles. If I were to follow his advice, I would get sued, lose my license and probably a substantial amount of money. I gotta figure out what I am going to do. I cannot work as a professional who hopes to keep her assets under a person who is literally losing pieces of his mind and judgment on a daily basis.

I don't really know what to do. The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. I get along with Old Boss Man very well usually. When there is a problem, even if I am following the law to a T (which is always unless I am ignorant of it which isn't often), somehow he always manages to blame me. He wants me to break laws to make people happy. But Old Boss Man is a very nice person. He fronts me large amounts of money until my deals close if I need it. He is a man with a soft heart, just not much mind left.

Seriously, what's a girl to do?

Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper is Down...

(by David Letterman)

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be from Mars... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

....and the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped...

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts.

Mr. Clean

So I have to say that I am compulsive. The whole dog poop story is an extension of the fact that I get anal about things being just right and orderly. My hubby is really perfect for me except in the area of cleaning. My mom says it's not that he's lazy, it's more like he doesn't even see messes. They don't register on the radar until it is so bad that anyone would notice.

And I had to decide a long time ago that I wasn't going to ruin a good relationship over something not being in it's place (like dog poop in a trash can). I tend to tense up when I am cleaning and he knows to stay out of my way. When it comes down to it, I like the way I do it best. If I ask him to do something, he will do it but he might put the glasses in the wrong row in the cupboard or take too long to get around to it and I cannot rest until it is done. This is obviously my issue, not his.

He is an awesome musician and likes to work on his customized cars. (That's why mini-vans are not cool!) Cleaning ranks on his priority list somewhere just above listening to Celine Dion. (How does one spell her last name?) I am his top priority and I know that but I just have a hard time giving him crap about......well, crap. He would go out and do it if he knew how much it bothered me, but it doesn't bother him. I am happy and he is happy so why rock the boat, really?

(Oh, Jake, so you are not concerned about our dogs, they are inside dogs. They only go outside to go poop. They are the prissiest Dobermans anyone has ever seen.)

And in honor of TG, Here's the whole DL Gizoogle Style. Much more entertaining for shizzle.

Oh, and can someone tell me what this is, please? I can't figure it out.

The Life of a Woman Who Doesn't Nag

Hubby and I played The Newlywed Game last night at a Valentines Day banquet. It was hillarious. We won the bonus question with the answer "Dog Poop".

The thing is my husband NEVER EVER picks up the dog poop in the back yard. Good thing the dogs only poop in certain places. But we don't have little Chihuahuas or Yorkies. We have massive dobermans. We have a lot of poop. We could probably figure out an alternate fuel mechanism and power our house for the next year.

But the thing is that I take care of everything in the house. My husband takes out the trash and does his own laundry. It falls under his realm of responsibility to take care of the dog poop.

I refuse to pick up the dog poop. I find it quite nauseating. I refuse to nag. I find that quite nauseating as well. So the dog poop stays in the yard with the exception of what the dogs eat. And it finally paid off last night in the bonus question on the Newlywed Game. (We've been married six years.)

Forget the Sappy Love Story- This is Better

I was going to publish a Valentine's Day post, but I just found the funniest freaking post I have read in a while. It is my brother's, but he just has this knack for description.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Throw Away Jane

A girl named Jane started coming every week. She hid her face behind a curtain of long, blonde hair and refused to make eye contact with anyone. She would only speak when she wasn't supposed to and never wrinkled her eyes with a smile. For six months she came regularly. For six months she hid.

At 12 years old, Jane was stuck in a world of addictions to alcohol, drugs and lesbianism and sleeping around with guys. She had a mom who would occassionally call her to remind Jane that she hated her. Her mom used to beat her and do drugs in front of her before Jane moved to Cottonwood. Now she lives with a dysfunctional dad and a step-mom who hits her. In July, we wanted her to start becoming a part of something so I told her if she would come clean a house with me I would give her the $250 to go on a trip with the rest of the team. She went.

Now Jane smiles. She dresses different. She picks me out of a crowd to come give me a hug. She has no friends left because she doesn't sleep around, do drugs or have a girlfriend. She is happy. She is bubbly. She is about to get her drivers permit and wants to practice on my car so she can get her permit. She doesn't understand why I trust her or take her to get a Frappicino or lunch on a whim. She doesn't understand that someone would take an interest in her and love her out of friendship.

I find throw aways and help them realize they are more than the garbage that has been poured into them. There will always be Janes for me in this life and I will always do what I can to help them become the beautiful person they are with the purpose in life they really have.

I Have a Dream!

(Lights Up)
(Woman drags soap box out to center of stage, puts mouth to microphone)

I had a paradigm shift. How often do we get caught up in our day to day life and never really stop to think about something we might be missing out on?

At this leadership conference, it dawned on me that there are so many teens that are left out of my community. We have a high rate of AIDS, teen pregnancies, suicide, alcohol and drug abuse (with teens!), homosexuality and teens that live with abusive parents. It is a largely ignored subculture that no one here wants to deal with so we just ignore it.

And I decided that I want to do something to deal with it. I want these teens to feel loved and accepted just as they are. Mold breeds in the dark and problems grow when ignored. I think there is a real hope that people don't want to really live that way and that it can be curbed. I would like these issues to be the exception to the common, not the expected.

People have an attitude towards teenagers that they want to ruin their lives and live in rebellion. I disagree. I think that teens want to feel loved and accepted just like everyone else on this planet and sometimes that motivation puts them in bad situations. It is sad when someone's potential in life is cut off before they even really get started.

So where do I start? The people I went to this conference with are motivated to start working to reach more teens that we aren't really seeing right now. We are going to cast a vision and build a dream. I actually think that we might be effective! I feel like I am just day-dreaming or that this could all end up being a pipe dream, but if I set a goal and never get there, at least I will get somewhere.

I would ultimately like to see teens free of addictions, diseases, abuse and have them know that life is better than what they are being subjected to right now.

Maybe I will get shot.
(Lights Dim)
(Curtain Closes)

Questions for the masses

Everyone else seems to have answers to all the questions on their blogs. I have questions. Please answer as I must know.

1. Star- What is "sex hair"?
2. Pete- What is tool?
3. Jake- Pick a name already. (Yes, I realize that is not a question.)
4. That Girl- You have the most awesome personality (reminds me of myself *ahem*). Why do you not have a significant other?

Kyle, Luke and Annalisa, what question should I ask you? I don't know.

Who Needs College?

Sunday I went to Phoenix. My best friend from college (well, actually I have two of them, three I guess if you count my husband) had a Super Bowl party. I saw some people that I have not seen in a loooong time. I got caught up on a group of people from college that I haven't really thought about since the last time I saw them. It is kinda funny where people end up. Not too many people are doing what they set out to do when they started college. One dude is the chaplain for the Phx Cardinals. Poor guy probably has to deal with players that suffer from depression quite often. It is almost more status to play for the Rattler's here. (I think that is the team name for AZ's arena football.) Someone else is in a band, traveling the US in a van. The guy I saw is a coach for a large Christian school in Phoenix. And on and on; someone just joined the army (this is four years after graduating college).

So by and large, what is the purpose of college? I think it is mostly social. Unless you are going to be a doctor or something really specialized, I doubt people end up doing what they thought they would 90% of the time. Get good enough grades to stay in, but build your friendships and get to know people. It is the only thing that lasts that you expect to, even if you don't see them for four years.

It is a sham that everyone says we have to go to college now. (Has anyone watched The Apprentice?) I wouldn't have traded it for the world and the above is probably the worst advice ever, but in my case (and friends' cases) so true.

Something for the Guys!

I had a pretty boring weekend. I got sick and so there are no fun stories to post for y'all. Instead, I shall plagerize unlike Kyle. Oh, and to my constituents, I would like to say I really enjoy reading your blogs. Even if your school messed you up for life, I have to say it did make you quite literate. I appreicate ya'll's (can you make ya'll possessive?) sense of humor and great writing style. Thanks! (Yes, I learned to talk in Texas. I live in Arizona and no longer have an accent but I do like the word ya'll.)

Since you usually give me a daily laugh, here is my token of gratitude in return. A little hand up for Valentine's Day. (I stole the whole enchilada from a blog called Evangelical Outpost which often times I find much too narrow for my worldview, but this was really good!)
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Over this past week I’ve written posts on many pointless things that are no use to mankind. But today we must set aside such trivial issues and turn to more serious matters: preparing men for Valentine’s Day. (Your friend, Greg was an inspiration to think of my fellow human.)

With only days left you need to start making plans now. Wait much longer and you’ll find yourself at the Quik-E-Mart fighting other pathetic slobs for the last Whitman’s sampler or single-stem plucked-in-November rose.

But I have an alternative to cheap candy and wilted flowers. It’s thoughtful. It’s romantic. It’s cheap.

It’s the love letter.

Follow these steps in writing your love letter and you just might be able to prevent your Valentine’s Day from becoming another massacre:


Buy some stationery -- You're a big boy now so throw away the Big Chief tablet you've had since 3rd grade and buy some quality paper. Keep in mind that if you don't feel like a total wimp when you buy the stationery then you purchased the wrong type.

Don't even think of typing the letter -- Unless you have the penmanship of a doctor, the letter should be in your own handwriting. If you have the penmanship of a doctor because you are a doctor, then you make enough money that you don't have to worry about impressing women anyway.

Be specific and personal -- Don't just write one letter that you photocopy and hand out to all the new girls you meet. That won't get you anywhere. You have to actually go to the trouble of copying the same letter out by hand every time you give it to a different girl.

Points will be deducted for spelling -- Pretend you're giving the letter to your high school English teacher who'll be taking points off for spelling. Since women pass the letters around to their inner circle - which tends to include every woman in a 50 mile radius - you'll be judged by plenty of people. You might consider having a female friend proofread it for you since she’ll soon be reading it anyway.

(By the way, if the letter is intended for your high school English teacher then you have issues that even I can't help you with.)

Write, rewrite, repeat -- Start out by writing a rough draft. Now take your rough draft and throw it away because it makes you sound like an idiot.

Seriously, it does. Just trust me on this one. I don't know why that's always true. It just is.

Write it again and try not to be so sappy this time. You don't want to scare her away by giving her the impression that you’re some kind of freak. She shouldn't be able to figure out what kind of freak you are until she's been married to you for at least ten years.

Resist the temptation to give her a note that says, "Do you like me? Check yes or no." -- This was cute and original the first 500 times she received this type of note from some faux-sensitive guy who wants to give the impression that he's being "child-like" when in reality he’s just being lazy.

Unfortunately, this is the sole opportunity for a guy to be lazy and have a woman think that he’s being cute. That's also why better minds have thought of using this corny gimmick long before you came along.

Give it to her before you chicken out -- Your brain will try to talk you out of giving her the love letter. It will tell you that you're setting yourself up for future embarrassment. Your brain, of course, is right. But don't listen to reason. Being in love has nothing to do with being reasonable. In fact, love requires that you make completely irrational choices. If we didn’t there would be no romance, no marriage, and no jewelry stores.

A last resort -- If all else fails and you just can’t think of anything, let me know. I'll send you a photocopy of the letter I use. Just remember to copy it in your own handwriting and to not give it to any girl whose zip code starts with 7. Otherwise, there's a good chance she's seen the letter before.

The last paragraph does not apply to me. Sorry! The only thing I can say is use lots of nature allusions. Do not go Song of Solomon on us and compare any female to any part of a goat or sheep. Not cool! In fact, stay away from any animal you might consume.

You can use the comments for a sounding board, but please try not to be too crude. Thanks!

Lost and Usually Not Found

I lost my keys on New Years Eve. I was five hours from my house and couldn't just get the spare. It was quite the ordeal. I spent two hours tearing apart my aunt and uncle's house. They had a huge party the night before and to say the house was disorderly was an understatement. I ended up having to drive halfway home to Phoenix and have a friend meet me there with a spare set. I noticed they were gone when it was time to head to my brother's house for breakfast that morning. Two weeks later they were discovered in the dryer. I know I didn't drink that much.

Once I lost a whole vehicle after a basketball game in Phoenix. I spent close to an hour walking up and down every level of a parking garage until it dawned on me that I was in the wrong one. Probably NOT going to find the car that way.

But the most obvious thing I lost I didn't even realize I didn't have. Yesterday I went and checked my bank statements from last May and I never did deposit $2079. The only reason I thought to check is because the company's accountant was reconciling everything and noticed that check had never cleared. So a week later I got around to checking my bank statements. I really did lose a check for $2079 and didn't notice!

So I was all excited because I need the money right now. I spoke with my supreme office manager on msn chat.
LisaFaye: So the check for $2079 never got deposited?
Ambur: Nope.
LisaFaye: That's too bad. The company policy is that we don't reissue checks after that long.
Ambur: If you think I am going to ride on policy when we are talking about $2000 you must be crazy.
Ambur: You're kidding right? You better be kidding!
Ambur: I am going to drive over there and talk to the broker about this. What a bunch of crap. The company owes me that money.
LisaFaye: I was just messing with you.
Ambur: Oh! My butthole was so puckered I almost suffocated myself to death on the chair!

Fortunately, LisaFaye is my sister and after 24 years of messing with each other at the most inopportune moments, this is okay. I did get my check last night and we went to Nic's to celebrate with a few martinis. We avoided the bar area so that we didn't have to deal with creepy men. We went to Wal-Mart..ahem...Super WalMart afterwards where Annalisa had me dying of laughter.

I would like to note that I may be slow on the uptake, but as I am not "drool-in-a-cup" hot, God had to give me some brains so I have never been confused on whether tuna is really chicken.

Name that Show!

What is more gay than Knight Rider? I don't know.
But the real question is what was your fave sitcom when you were growing up? Mine (sadly) was Knight Rider.

My sister had a level of coolness I didn't, and her's is the A-Team.

So chime in and tell me what your favorite TV sitcom growing up was. You can give the bonus answer by naming your favorite cartoon. (Mine was Scooby Doo.)

Today is a Good Day

Okay, people, we have several things to cover today:

1. My sister got herself a blog today. (She is also off on the side w/ Fave Blogs now, too.)

2. I have to confess I do not understand men and their big screen TVs. The 2nd year I was married I bought my husband a DVD player for his b-day. The 19" TV we had didn't have the correct connections to run a DVD player. So, we went to go buy a 32" TV to fit in the entertainment center. We came home with a 62" TV. I am pretty sure he got away with something but it is always so hard to tell. At least we don't watch TV from the boat. We do not have a boat. That would be silly. We live in Arizona.

The headline story today for my life (Besides that I slept until 11:30- I only had two hours of sleep the night before, my body sometimes won't sleep and then I had to make up for it!):

I only had a dollar in my wallet. I asked my husband for $2 which he obligingly gave me. I wanted to pick up lunch on the way into the office. I had to stop for gas becuause I drove 15 miles w/ the gas light on. I get to the pump and realize I do not have my debit/credit card. Oops! I also do not have my checks. Oops! I cannot drive 15 miles back to get this or I will run out of gas. I start to think that I will have to forego lunch and get gas with my $3.

Then I start to think I should figure out where my card is. I had to rack my brain, but remembered the last time I used it was on Monday for lunch. I drove over to the fast food place and lo and behold, they had it! The guy that was there on Monday was there today, too. He felt bad for not giving it back to me (although I am the retard that leaves access to my account in the hands of a KFC employee).

So I got a free lunch. My car is full with gas. I still have $3 in my wallet. It's a great day.

Just Listed!

The temp high today was only 57 degrees. *sigh* I think it's time to head to Maui.

I decided that I talk about my pet peeves often. I was wondering if someone is allowed to have more than one, and figured that I have two dogs and, as previously noted, my older brother has probably 20 pets. So I can have more than one pet peeve.

Amber's List of Pet Peeves

1. Self-righteous or hypocritical people. I think all people are hypocritical to some degree, but to be blatant about it just irks me. (Take the plank out your own eye.)
2. Being hit on or oogled by some creepy man. You are a creepy man if you do either to me.
3. Indecisive People.
4. Co-dependent People.
5. People asking for or taking the first or last of anything of mine, or using something new of mine that I haven't used yet. This extends to reading a card or letter to me if I haven't gotten to read it yet. This excludes someone reading comments on my post before I do.

But not all is negative. There are things I really like!

Amber's List of the Antithesis of Pet Peeves

1. Honest and Genuine People - That's why I like Jake, Pete and crew so much. (Click over and read at your own risk!)
2. A Sense of Humor
3. Great Music
4. Common Courteousy (please, thank you, excuse me, not cutting me off in traffic, etc)
5. Napoleon Dynamite (#5 is a rotational basis antithesis. It will change depending on what settles me down after encountering one of the dreaded pet peeves. Right now, every time I picture Napoleon slap his brother and run to answer the door, I smile.)

Don't ask me why I want a top five list and not a top ten or top three list. Couldn't tell ya.

So to illustrate my happiness, here's a story:

Yesterday I went walking at a brisk pace. (I actually ran down the large hills due to gravity but I won't exaggerate and say I went jogging.) Before I left, I told my husband the route I was going to take in case someone stole me he would have a trail to start with. I worry about getting stolen sometimes. I worry about my girlfriends and female family members getting stolen. I watch Without A Trace on Thursday nights. Oh, back to my trail of thought.... I went on my fast walk listening to rap on my iPod (The only time I listen to rap is when I work out so that the beat keeps me moving faster than I would without it.) and came back in 20 minutes. My husband was surprised I was back so quickly. I asked, "Why? How long have I been gone.?" He told me 20 minutes. I remarked that I was disappointed because as everyone knows 30 minutes is really the minimum effective cardio workout. I then said, "I could go around the block a few times and be gone for another 10 minutes but I am just not feeling....ambitious."

My sweet, dear husband said, "You don't have to be ambitious. You are Amber-liciuos!" Now how endearing is that?

Aaaawwww. Somewhere a fluffy bunny was just born.

P.S. You should know I am not all that. My husband just loves me.
P.P.S. I am thinking about trying out for American Idol next season. I want to be heinously awful but convince everyone I think I am great. I think there is a lot of human truth in the self-delusion we see on that show.
P.P.P.S. Here is a story to show why you should never leave home without your beer. (I personally don't like the taste of beer, but for those who do, this is another reason to add to the list. It reads like a Homer Simpson scenario.)

Humor Break

I hate it when I cannot sleep at night. I was sound asleep for about two hours and then BING. I am awake. Oh well. Look at the bright side! My sister is picking up our U2 tickets today for the April concert.

No one should go through the day without a smile, so here is a must watch for the day. It takes a few minutes to download but well worth the wait.

New VW Commercial
(Apparently not endorsed by VW. Wonder why?)

Thanks, dad!

Happy February, everybody.