Captivating

I am just wondering if anyone else feels the way I do?

I don't fit in. Anywhere. Not completely anyway. I am a mom and I often feel completely inadequate in that realm. I work and often don't have enough hours to be successful at the job (sales). As a wife, I am often forgetful of my husband's needs or too tired to even care. At church, I am not the Proverbs 31 wife. I am not patient. I like to sleep in. I frequently am caught being snarky. Anyway, I just don't feel like I fit in.

To add insult to injury, I have to go through a class on a book called "Captivating" which describes the universal heart of a woman and how that fits into God's plan. Now, my brain often gets in the way of understand the subject matter, especially when the case that is built upon a questionable foundation. Such is the case of Captivating. The thing is, it has valid points but my brain is so busy trying to justify what they are saying, that I miss the whole point for the holes in the logic.

To compound the issue, I don't relate to women in general. I only had a best friend or two at a time growing up. The rest of the people I hung out with were usually guys. I thought other girls were mean and catty. When I started college, my impression on other females started to change as I was in a dorm with 40 other females. Turns out women are a great part of life. Being a mom now, I don't know what I would do without other moms. The most tender and nurturing people in my life are women. I aspire to be more like many of them.

However, Captivating seems to draw out this femininity factor in other women I think I was made without. Or perhaps, growing up being a complete daddy's girl, looking up to my older brother to the point of trying to do everything the way he did (I mean everything), and being a tomboy in general who would rather solve disputes with my fists than tears, I just feel like I'm missing it.

In the book's defense, I went in with a chip on my shoulder after deciding that the video clips remind me of vagina monologues and the opening chapter was so "girlie" that I felt defensive right away because I wasn't the girl twirling in dresses or dreaming for a knight in shining armor.

Anyway, as I continue to bear with it (because I'm forced to) there are things that speak to me but I'm afraid that it is misleading in some ways and so on the points of inaccuracy or poor fact gathering, I don't want to "buy into" the book in case it is a bunch of malarkey and the God they describe in the book is not the one of reality.

The key takeaway for me at this point is simply that we have a desire to be seen, noticed and cherished. Those desires are good desires that can be fulfilled through things here on earth but really should primarily be filled by our Creator. That I can agree with. I guess from here it's a journey for God to reveal my own heart to myself and how he fulfills these questions/longings/needs that are innate to who I am. Should be fun. I'll go pursue God. I like him!!

Anyone else out there that would like to understand the book but really have a hard time delving into it and seeing themselves in a lot of the descriptions or molds that they assume women share?

I don't care about fashion anymore. I rarely even put my clean laundry away. It sits in a pile, a single article waiting to be discovered and donned once again.

I have been peed on. I have been pooped on. I have been puked on. Two years and two months ago, none of these things had ever happened. I now will leave my house without doing anything to my hair; not even blow-drying it. If I don't have to go into public, the chances of taking a shower are slim. My house is usually a disaster of sorts or has just had emergency work done and is anxiously awaiting the next hit. There is a mop drying outside. It is almost 9 o'clock at night. My shower has not been cleaned in many, many months. It's the same story with the dogs. Exercise? Once a week on the treadmill on average. Grocery shopping? I buy three things here and four things there.

Wow this is depressing me.

There is a break in my life, not a gradual undoing of things. The break is before birth and after birth. (Let's not talk about after birth though. It's a bit gross.) I was never convinced I wanted to really be a mom. The reason was because I thought I would end up doing all of the things I just listed and never be able to sleep past 8 am. It happened. I became a mom. It seems all I'm missing are the jeans.

For me, being a mom is a balancing act. I don't balance well so it is tricky. I tend to get caught up in one aspect of life or another. The beauty of my child is that he helps me keep everything in perspective.

I am maybe a typical person. I work 40+ hours a week. I have a house to clean. I have dinners to cook. I have a husband with whom I enjoy this life. I have bills to pay. I have clothes that need to be put away. I have laundry that needs tending to. I have a relationship with God. I have an iPhone to update. I have dogs to feed. I have volunteer work to do. I have a family I love.

Do you ever feel like you never wholly fit in any one place? There are certain ways that I fit well with one part of my family but then some other things that aren't quite the same. I then have some areas I fit in with another part of my life, such as work, but then there are areas that I just don't quite click. Same thing at church. In fact, this might be more exaggerated at church. I obviously have some things in common with other people I attend church with but then there are a lot of traits that don't mesh well in that situation. There is no place that 100% of who I am is 100% understood or accepted. I don't even 100% understand myself sometimes!

I guess if I stop and think about it (as I am freestyle writing), I may only feel completely comfortable around my 2 year old. Except that I often feel inadequate or lost when mothering my child. I wonder what traits of mine he will end up having imprinted upon him. I hope he is able to see life from a "half full" perspective and has a great hunger for God.

I am a very happy and content person but a skeptic too. Is that possible? Well I guess so because it's true. I like things to make sense. I will analyze things to death but then I also fly by the seat of my pants and make compulsive decisions. This is all a bunch of fun, huh? I guess it's no wonder I don't really fit in anywhere totally.

I'm done rambling for the moment. At least I'm done rambling in prose.