That's why it's called a shortcut. If it were easy, it would just be "the way".

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

My Confession

I guess it comes down to not feeling valued, cherished. Pretty is just a word. Beautiful is hollow. He has the title so it gives him the right but it is no more sacred for it. What difference does it really make? He has his imagination, his lust. Maybe no more should be expected from a man. Now is when I’m having a hard time getting over it and that makes no sense. Just shut it out, put it behind, erase it. But now I can’t. Makes no sense.

I want to feel like there is no one else anywhere that could hold a candle to me, even in his mind. I want to feel like it would be worth giving up everything in the world, fighting wars and facing peril just to have me but he can’t even stop this one thing from getting in between us.

Now the issue is I want to find a place where I do feel like no sacrifice is too big to keep me, to be with me, to understand me. Not this monotony. Not this compromise. Not this day in and day out comfortable because the title exists thing. He may be true to me physically but that’s not enough. I want body, mind and soul. Every inch, every molecule. There is no room for anyone or anything else in this. And if there is, there are holes, gaps. And the gaps are taken from me. What do I use to fill them? I feel lost. I feel that my worth has been traded for something intangible that I can’t lay a finger on or combat. I don’t want to combat it. I shouldn’t have to. This warps everything. My mentality. My marriage. It leads me to think of the what ifs. What if I could be more attractive? What if I needed to feel beautiful? What if this goes on and on? What if I’m tired? What if I’m weak? What if I’m not worth fighting for? What if I give up? What if…….

We are bound; twined together. But something has wrapped itself in us too and it is poison. I am helpless to remove it, pluck it out, strike at it. Nothing I can do will fix it. Not if I were stronger, tougher, smarter. It continues to suck at the life of this union. It is draining the beauty, the mystery, the heartbeat. We are gasping for breath.

The funny thing is the poison is now being withdrawn from us and now is when I am having a hard time coping with even the smallest trace. I feel betrayed. I can’t be violated one more time. I feel like I will just fall off and not be twined anymore, just lay to the side useless.
Where is the strength? Where is the Gardener? Where is the power to deal the final blow to the poison that threatens? Everything is on the line. Everything is at stake. My definition of loyalty, my ability to understand sex, my foundation of a solid marriage. It can’t crack any further, it can’t shift under my feet any longer. It has to become solid, unmoving, dependable, firm, able to hold me through everything, weather the stress, the bad, the good and the ugly. I have to know that we belong completely to each other and no one else. There is a person in me that won’t go down without a fight, won’t be the one to be made a fool of, will protect myself at all costs. This person is growing larger as I feel diminished. I cry out to God to help me stay empty of myself and for him to fill me, mend the gaps, stand guard in the hurt. But this person I feel more closely, gaining strength and speed, crouched waiting for one more assault, one more attack to take over and gain control, to pay back what was taken, to satisfy the longing to be beautiful, needed, loved and glorious. It would make me uglier than I could imagine but I would feel safe. Right now I guess I just want to feel safe. Know my boundaries, know what is going to happen, feel protected.