Really, All I Want to Do

All I want to do is to go to sleep. I went to bed at 10. I don't have to be up until 7:30, so I was quite excited to get over 9 hours of sleep because I have been so erratic in my sleeping patterns that I always seem tired.

10:00 pm I laid down.
10:02 I got hiccups. They hurt.
10:12 Hiccups went away.
10:14 I had to go pee really bad.
10:17 Gave in, got up and went pee
10:18 Christmas songs stuck in my head that blends too easily with my thoughts. "Ding Dong Ding Dong, Merry Merry Christmas. Ding Dong Ding Dong, why can't I just fall asleep?"
10:22 Had to go pee again. Just got up and went
10:23 Told myself that I wouldn't go pee until morning.
10:29 Went pee again.
10:30 Went to bed again.
10:32 My mind is still serenading me.
10:35 Got up. Went pee.
10:37 Took pills guaranteed to make me sleepy.
10:38 Logged into myspace.
11:40 Got tired of myspace, logged in here.
11:43 Decided I needed to post a new blog
11:49 Posted this pile of rubbish.

TKO?

I was mad at my husband. I posted something up here on Saturday morning but took it down Saturday night. I could take it down because it turned out I was right so I didn't need confirmation out here in blogland. But boy oh boy did you miss a juicy blog!

The thing is that J and I think alike so we rarely get mad at each other because we just understand one another so well. We know each other's motives, ideas and driving causes. Friday night I got mad at him but I could see his point so I tried to stuff it.

I had an anger problem quite some time ago. I would never, ever think something through if I thought an injustice had been done to me. When Jeremy and I were first dating, I had already passed this issue of mine in life. I did not know how to process problems anymore because I wouldn't just blow up and dismember everything around me. So he was very, very patient with me. He was actually the one in our relationship who was good at communication and helped me along. If I were at a School of Communication back when we were dating, I would have had to ride the short bus and wear a helmet at all times. We have some funny stories from those days.

And to this day, I still have a hard time processing my feelings, particularly when they are unpleasant and doubly so where J is concerned. So Friday night we had a discussion about what ultimately pissed me off. I was trying to gather all the facts before I made a decision about if I was really mad or not. But his answers were half-truths and I knew it. Saturday night I asked him if he told the whole truth or part of it. He came around to saying he had admitted only part of the truth. So he got a tongue lashing again, but nothing severe. I just told him he was a lousy liar, especially with me because I know him way to well, I am logical and when things don't make sense, my bullshit meter goes off. Plus, women have that weapon that is the undoing of all mankind- woman's intuition.

I still didn't go off on him. I still wasn't sure where I stood on the situation. I understood too well why he did what he did. But it was one statement that stuck out that rubbed me the wrong way. I woke up Sunday pissed off. When I get mad at someone, I can't really look at them. Luckily, he was out of the door before I got out of bed. When we got home, I told him I hoped this was the last conversation we had about the whole situation but I had to say something. So I said what I needed to say. No yelling. No fanfare. No tears. No throwing stuff. When I was done stating my case very briefly, that was it. He apologized. We were done. I was over the whole thing about 2 mintues later.

And that is how we fight.

#204

This is post number two-hundred and four. Aren't you excited? I can see the tension mounting in your face as you read this, hanging on to my every word. Word. Word. Every word.

The other day I called a friend to give her tickets to this production I am going to be in. I am playing a drunk English woman. People ask me if I do the accent and everything and I say, "Yes, but I am drunk so it doesn't have to be very good." Which is good because I probably sound more like a mix of Irish and Australian than British.

When I called my friend to offer the tickets, she started crying. Her husband had moved out of the house and she was going to move back to Florida. She didn't know how to tell her son. She was in tears.

I called today (with several prayers in between). She's doing okay now. Last night her and her husband talked. They seem to think they have nothing in common. He's having problems with paying the bills and she stays at home and there are stinky wash towels in the sink and cobwebs on the ceiling so I guess he got pissed and couldn't take it anymore and moved out. But I guess he realized that even more than not being able to take stinky towels and cobwebs was not being able to take her not being around.

So they are trying to work it out. I hung out there for a few hours today. There were some tense moments. She was clearly teasing him at times and he was taking it all so seriously. She is going to get a part-time job and go to school to be a dental assistant. He's gonna try to make dinner. I don't know. I think it should work. Something about those two tell me they should be together as difficult as it is. There is no communication skills between them and they are having a hard time finding common ground. When is mutual love not common ground enough?

Pillow Fight!

I did it again. I declined going out on Friday night. I got a call from Ellie- all the girls were getting together for a girl's night out. You know- the famed events where men think of women getting trashed and making out with each other after a long pillow fight.

Really, it is usually women talking about one of two things:
1. Why good single men are impossible to find.
2. Why good single men are impossible to find.

If there are enough married women there, we talk about anything but men for the most part.

Saturday night I did go out. I went out with a bunch of teenagers. I wasn't going to because I am old in a teenage world. But they insisted. (No, not so I could buy them beer.) If you have been reading the blog for any amount of time, you might remember the kid that makes me sad because he kicked his meth habit and still couldn't get any respect. Anyway, that kid was in town for a visit. He's been clean! He looks really good. It's a weird thing because as my readers know, I get very attached to these teens. So he's back for a visit and I just want to put him in my back pocket and keep him from harm and heartbreak but I can't. I also can't just wear my heart on my sleeve. So I have to stifle emotion because how akward would that be? Not just with this teen, but with all of them. I don't know if it is unhealthy to get so attached. I'm not sure. I know it makes me fairly decent at working with them. It hasn't been an issue that I have seen to get in the way or warp my point of view in dealing with them.

So it's hard because I wanted to cry and get snot all over him when I had to say goodbye after a great game of bowling with a bunch of the knuckle-heads. But instead, I gave him a hug and told him to come back really, really soon.

It's All True

Once a week, everyone in my area in my profession get together to have a meeting. It's a quick meeting to say what's new, inform each other of events or remind of policy.

This morning we had that meeting. During the meeting, there was a question: Are there any community announcements?

One lady stands up and says this:

"I believe it is appropriate in a setting like this to talk about what we are thankful for. It is almost Thanksgiving. So here where we all stand up and say the Pledge of Allegiance at the meeting, I would like to take a moment to reflect upon the pilgrims. I would like to honor their bravery for leaving a country to start something new. I am not big on history, but I think they left for religious freedom. They were being oppressed by religion. I am thankful for a country with free speech. (Suddenly, I saw how free speech could backfire.) We should be thankful for this land. I believe that we should all be tolerant of people who are different than ourselves. I think that we need to push the separation of church and state."

Um....someone forgot to take her medication. She stood up to tell everyone to reflect on the pilgrims. I had women in black dresses and big white collars pop into my head. This woman is one of only 80 people who are against saying the Pledge of Allegiance when we get together in the morning. I don't know. It was just bizzare. But everytime she popped into my mind today, I died in a fit of giggles.

She got scattered applause when she sat down. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or to say my own speech on what I believe in. (Now that I have one from my last post.)

I Don't Want to Offend

I am not sure I have anything to say. I just sat down to type. I could tell you everything I am going to do today, but that's kind of boring, no?

I would share my views on politics but I don't have many. I don't watch enough TV or read enough newspapers or specialized newsletters to be informed. I do know that common sense tells me that the fabric of what America was is being steadily frayed by all these special interest groups and the inability to be honest because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I think taxes should be almost completely eliminated. I'm about ready to go have my own Tea Party. Taxes are oppressing, especially being self-employed. Speaking of employment, I believe that everyone should have to work. If they aren't working, why should the people have to support them? I suppose that is politics, huh?

I think we should take care of the world we live in a lot better but I also think that scare tactics from environmentalists are silly. I think people tend to resist even more when the person or entity trying to create change seems so radical and out there.

I believe that it is silly to stop 80 year old women at the airport to search her handbag for nail clippers. I believe it is silly not to have profiling. If one demographic is committing 99% of the crime, I think we should spend 99% of our efforts on understanding and watching that demographic.

I believe that gay people should have the right to be gay. (Please just don't make out in front of me, it gives me the willies.)

I believe that we should leave room for everyone to be themselves, but not to expect the population to change to accomodate the newcomers. They came here. I do not believe in free healthcare to non-citizens. I don't get free healthcare and I live here and pay the damn taxes. I also don't believe in free healthcare for people who aren't working that are able to work if they would REALLY go and try to find a job, even if it is a clerk at Circle K or flipping burgers at McDonalds.

I believe our system is all wrong in processing drug addictions. You can't make someone quit. You can send them to rehab but unless they checked themselves in, they are just there to make the judge happy so they can go home and light the match and smoke crack again.

I think child molesters should be chemically castrated. They are predators and that's how their mind works. I think registering them was a step in the right direction.

I think jail is also pretty stupid for the majority of people. There should be a better punishment. Jail just puts all the criminals together so they can hang out and get better ideas of how to be criminals when they get out. Put an innocent person in there and they will come out warped.

Above all, I believe in God. I believe that God loves every human being ever created. I believe God made a way through Jesus to have a relationship with everyone. I believe Christianity would not exist without Israel. I believe in "One Nation Under God" but I think I am going to be the minority before too long. (When I become a minority can I start suing?)

So, I guess I do have a few opinions. Who knew?

You're One Pathetic Loser- No Offense

None taken because I am talking about myself. It's Friday night. I had an invitation to go out with a bunch of friends to go watch a movie. I decided I would rather stay at home and read a book.

When did this happen? Is this 29? Is this marriage? Or is this just the end of a long week? I am not sure. My husband is going to be watching basketball tonight. I went to WalMart. Michael Crichton has a new book. Or at least, one I haven't read yet.

Here's to Friday nights! *cheers*

I guess I know that tomorrow we are going to Phoenix to reunite with a BUNCH of old college friends. Maybe I subconsciously know that I will need all the energy I can spare for tomorrow night. Yeah, I'll tell myself that!