That's why it's called a shortcut. If it were easy, it would just be "the way".

Sunday, February 22, 2009


I am just wondering if anyone else feels the way I do?

I don't fit in. Anywhere. Not completely anyway. I am a mom and I often feel completely inadequate in that realm. I work and often don't have enough hours to be successful at the job (sales). As a wife, I am often forgetful of my husband's needs or too tired to even care. At church, I am not the Proverbs 31 wife. I am not patient. I like to sleep in. I frequently am caught being snarky. Anyway, I just don't feel like I fit in.

To add insult to injury, I have to go through a class on a book called "Captivating" which describes the universal heart of a woman and how that fits into God's plan. Now, my brain often gets in the way of understand the subject matter, especially when the case that is built upon a questionable foundation. Such is the case of Captivating. The thing is, it has valid points but my brain is so busy trying to justify what they are saying, that I miss the whole point for the holes in the logic.

To compound the issue, I don't relate to women in general. I only had a best friend or two at a time growing up. The rest of the people I hung out with were usually guys. I thought other girls were mean and catty. When I started college, my impression on other females started to change as I was in a dorm with 40 other females. Turns out women are a great part of life. Being a mom now, I don't know what I would do without other moms. The most tender and nurturing people in my life are women. I aspire to be more like many of them.

However, Captivating seems to draw out this femininity factor in other women I think I was made without. Or perhaps, growing up being a complete daddy's girl, looking up to my older brother to the point of trying to do everything the way he did (I mean everything), and being a tomboy in general who would rather solve disputes with my fists than tears, I just feel like I'm missing it.

In the book's defense, I went in with a chip on my shoulder after deciding that the video clips remind me of vagina monologues and the opening chapter was so "girlie" that I felt defensive right away because I wasn't the girl twirling in dresses or dreaming for a knight in shining armor.

Anyway, as I continue to bear with it (because I'm forced to) there are things that speak to me but I'm afraid that it is misleading in some ways and so on the points of inaccuracy or poor fact gathering, I don't want to "buy into" the book in case it is a bunch of malarkey and the God they describe in the book is not the one of reality.

The key takeaway for me at this point is simply that we have a desire to be seen, noticed and cherished. Those desires are good desires that can be fulfilled through things here on earth but really should primarily be filled by our Creator. That I can agree with. I guess from here it's a journey for God to reveal my own heart to myself and how he fulfills these questions/longings/needs that are innate to who I am. Should be fun. I'll go pursue God. I like him!!

Anyone else out there that would like to understand the book but really have a hard time delving into it and seeing themselves in a lot of the descriptions or molds that they assume women share?