Some People Wear Their Halos Too Tight

It's scary if you think about it.....what America is becoming. I flew from Arizona to Minnesota to visit my mom's side of the family with my one year old. So here I am with my baby going through security. Prescription medicines and baby liquids like juice & formula do not need to be "claimed" in the liquid zip lock bags in containers under 3 ounces. They told me to take out any thing used to feed him. Took out the 5 oz bottles I mix with the formula. Big scene. I had to dump it out. Can't buy warm water to mix with formula to feed my kid and as any parent knows, when the plane is taking off you want the kid sucking on a bottle so their ears will pop and adjust to the change in pressure. I get so aggrivated when I think about this. They made me throw out the water I needed to make my baby a bottle. To feed my kid. Where am I supposed to get warm water to make a bottle? Have to pay airport prices of $6 for a COLD bottle of water. Being resourceful, I worked it out but the principle of the situation irriates me.

Where has common sense gone? I am a natural born citizen of this country. I am a giving and generous person who does not want to cause harm to other human beings. I am not involved in terrorism in any sense. I believe in America's freedom; our freedom of speech, the right to assemble. Now it is guilty until proven innocent and in case you're not, we're taking away the water you needed to feed your kid. If I would have argued, I would have been arrested. No free speech. I can't say, "Do you really think I am going to blow myself up with my baby?" If I were to say, "Do you think I'm going to commit a crime on a mass scale with my 1 year old son in tow?" that would be grounds enough to detain me. Maybe fine me.

This is scary. Not because I can't take water on a plane but because the rights of American citizens are being erroded. The terrorists are trying to take down America and they are winning. Through fear. Through fear they are chipping away at people's sense of security, the ability for people to say what is on their mind, the right to challenge an assinine government rule. Through fear people stare at men of Middle Eastern descent in the airport. Through fear people are acquiesing to the tighter rule of government in their lives in the name of a "safer America". It's for the good of the masses. Control. Good for the masses. Doesn't sound like a democratic place to be.

To further my rant (and possibly cause an audit by the IRS), taxes are oppresive. I work hard. Put my bills (mortgage, one car, college loan payoffs, 2 credit cards, car, health and life insurance, utilities) against my annual income and there is virtually nothing left. Groceries, gas, birthday presents, clothes for my ever-growing child (plus diapers and formula) require me to take a 2nd part time job. So between me and my husband, there are 3 incomes coming in. And there has to be to make ends meet. We are not extravagant in our spending. I shop at Wal-Mart and sometimes JC Pennys. Since the pregnancy, my feet grew. I still have not bought tennis shoes that fit. And yet, the government has figured out that I owe them $5,600. Am I here to serve my government? Obviously. I have to work, cut the small, tight budget I already live by in order to pay them back out of fear that they will take everything I have ever worked for.

My younger sister often says it is time for a revolution. The government has taken too much control, gotten the idea that We the People are here to serve them. The Senate and the House write up and pass laws for We the People yet put in clauses that make them exempt from the laws that they see as good enough for the rest of us. The IRS was created during the civil war to pay for the war. It stayed around long after the civil war. States are not allowed to vote out of federal law anymore. We cannot do what is best for our local government body. Did you know that if you make over a certain dollar amount (like $1.5M)you are exempt from taxes on any earnings above that? The U.S. collected $2.2 Trillion dollars last year in taxes from its citizens. And who benefits from the taxes? Surely We the People do. I don't mean all sour grapes. I like paved roads, electricity in the government buildings, etc. I appreciate that people who need help buying food are not left to starve in this country. I really like that kids in low income homes get health care. There is something askew about this country when there are so many instances where the constitution is stuffed. Things are getting off kilter when a hard working family is burdened by a bill from their own government and has fear that if they don't figure out how to take care of it, their whole adult life's work will be gone with just the life lessons left to stand by.

I don't know. I'm not a politics hound. I don't keep tabs on much in the political arena. These are just small observations from a voting citizen of a country that I love. I am only concerned. I am not labeled as a Republican or Democrat. I don't back any particular political icon. I am not trying to tell anyone who to believe or what to do. I am just a person who feels a bit oppressed, crushed against a government that is so big that there is nothing this one person by herself can do. There is no one that will listen to common sense because this country is so big that the Federal Government can't worry about a single individual's experiences and hardship. They can't judge a person on a specific situation as the laws apply, it is the law applies to all situations. And there are so many laws. So many rules. And the constituion isn't taught. We know more about Brittney Spears than our potential presidents for the next election.

I'm worried.

July 21, 2007

Yay for July 21, 2007. The newest and last book of the Harry Potter's series is being released on that date. I am sure I will be reading every word and every page in every spare moment I have.

Being that I am a new mom, you are probably wondering if I am in Amberland thinking I could actually read a book with what will then be a seven month old. Well, I managed to read "Next" by Michael Crichton in just a few days with a two month old. I was sort of surprised, honestly. Someone had gotten me John Grishams' "Innocent Man" for my birthday when Karsten was only four days old and I tried reading it when he was about six weeks old but to no avail. The book never really seemed to get started. It all seemed like story background, even halfway through. But "Next" was really exciting and fun with quick chapters that developed and moved the characters along at a very nice clip. So I was committed to reading that book and was finished in a few days.

Being that JK Rowling books are getting to be the length of "Gone with the Wind", I am sure it will take me weeks to finish and maintain life outside of the novel so I am also sure I will be obsessing about what happens next and speed through the diaper changes as quickly as possible to get back to my chair, holding my child in one arm and holding the book that weighs the same as my child in another arm. But I am a wee bit excited. Is Dumbledore really dead? Who has been retriving the trinkets that hold Voldemort's soul? Who is next to die? What will happen with Ron and Hermoinie- do they fall in love happily ever after? Does Ginny make things work with Harry? Huh? Huh? Huh?

My First Mistake as a Mom

I keep my house clean. I constantly wash my hands. I disenfect his room and the house doorknobs occasionally. I pick him up constantly, talk to him, play with him. I am quick to change a diaper. I spot treat his clothes.

Yet I feel like the worst mom in the world right now.

Kids should come with an instruction manual. In today's uber-informed day, I google everything. For example, I have a vast knowledge of RSV, homeopathic remedies for babies, pros and cons to immunization shots and some little tricks, why newborn babies don't shed tears when they cry, what developmental milestones he should hit and when, how to wash clothes, special mixtures for diaper rash.

Yet somehow I missed this. In my defense, I went to go pick up the Tylenol one week after he was born, right after he was circumcized. I was a bit daffy still.

So at two and a half months old, I took Karsten in to get his first round of immunization shots. Usually babies get them at exactly two months old, but it is was Christmas with lots of parties to attend and the immunization shots forces the body to be sick so it is wise to keep the baby away from potential germs.

So yesterday at 3:00, before we went to the pediatrician, I gave Karsten 8 ml of Children's Tylenol as the nurse had instructed so it wouldn't be so painful because he would be stoned. He was a champ. He didn't get a fever, hasn't been too fussy except for some gas. This morning at 9, I gave him 8 ml more because he had a slight fever but he was still all smiley and happy with me.

Tonight about 8:00 his fever seemed a bit warmer and he was yelling and even offering him food didn't quiet him. So I put some milk in a bottle and added the Tylenol. As I was doing this, I noticed that 80ml was enough for a 35-47 pound kid. That's roughly three times more than Karsten weighs.

So I went to go make sure I had the correct dropper. I did.

I called the pediatrician's office and had an after hours nurse call back.

Apparently Tylenol comes in a strength for children and another type for Infants. I had Children's Tylenol in liquid form. In my mind, infants are children so that was the stuff I bought when Karsten was 9 days old.

So I have overdosed my kid with Tylenol which is potentially fatal. My first mistake as a mom is a fatal one.

My husband called his mom who said the same thing the pediatrican's nurse did. He should be fine because he had only 2 doses which were 18 hours apart and there are no apparent side effects yet. We should make sure he gets more liquids than normal. (Yea for me, I get to wake up every 3 hours like he's a newborn again. Small pennance for how bad I feel though.) If the spot under his ribcage feels hard or is really tender to Karsten or if he turns yellow, we are probably in big trouble.

We googled acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol. An overdose could require a liver transplant or it may result in death. Acetaminophenis a toxin. Ever hear of a teenager trying to overdose on a bottle of asprin? Tylenol is more likely to work better.

So I called Poison Control Center. 1-800-222-1222 I didn't have to look that up. I now have it memorized.

The guy on the phone was very nice. He asked questions like Karsten's age, weight, potency of the Tylenol. After doing some math he told me that the doseage he got was three to six times what he needed but it didn't pose a real problem.

My holistic doctor called me after I left a message for her. She told me to take milk thistle, a liver maintenance pill, viatmin C, enzymes and acidophilous every four hours for the next two days.

He'll be fine. I just wonder why my first mistake couldn't be putting his shirt on backwards?

Sleep

My social life is making a comeback. I have been out to all sorts of Christmas parties with my baby. We are both getting our social fix, I guess. Of course, having a newborn attracts all sorts of attention, even from people I would like to not get attention from.

Jeremy and I went to my company's Christmas party last night. First of all, most of the people I work with are very upper class that own multi-million homes, BMWs, have investment portfolios, etc. They aren't people I feel completely comfortable around. I am middle class and work well with blue collar or even white collar people. But people who are so rich they have no collars because they don't have to work, that is a different story. I would like to be one of those people someday, but hopefully I can still be down to earth.

So this lady last night who I have never met kind of camped out near Jeremy and I and offered tidbits of advice like, "Babies are small." Okay, it wasn't really advice but more obvious facts that anyone would know about a baby. She was wearing a gold shirt and a vest that was embroidered with what looked like a scene from a Victorian painting. I am sure she was wearing pants, but I don't remember because of the upper half of her outfit. I had never met this woman before, but she hovered and stared a lot. I had to nod and smile quite a bit. It was odd.

Tonight we had the Christmas party with the teenagers. We probably had 35 people there. It was a blast and I felt so much more natural and comfortable. No one gave me baby advice. I had lots of compliments on how handsome Karsten is which a mother always likes. (I hear it so much I wonder if it is sincere though.) The teens played games and laughed and teased. It was wonderful.

Tomorrow night is another Christmas party at our friend's house. Thursday night is a Christmas party for my husband's work. We will leave to go to the in-laws for Christmas on Sunday.

So I have to finish wrapping presents, hit Wal Mart for a few last items and count my blessings again. I love Christmas!

This year I think I am more in the Christmas spirit because we don't have money this year. We had to keep our gifts to everyone at about $10. We didn't buy a Christmas tree. My husband and I aren't exchanging presents with each other. I was sad at first. I love buying gifts for people without much consideration for cost. I am sure we usually blow about $1000 every Christmas. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in getting EVERYONE a present, shopping, wrapping, and the busyness of the season that I feel more exhausted than anything. This year I have had time to reflect on the true blessings I have in my life which no store bought gift could ever rival. I have a home. I have a loving husband. I have a well behaved, easy to care for baby boy who is beautiful. I have family who cherishes me. I have friends who care for me. My family is healthy. My family is functional. I have good in-laws. The weather is still in the 60s and 70s here. God has given me so many gifts that mean so much! He is the best gift giver.

On to Motherhood updates: (Even though my readership is zero!)

My baby is sleeping through the night. I feel so blessed that at only seven weeks, he started going to sleep through the night. The first time I had eight hours of sleep in a row, I actually felt more tired than when I was getting about three hours at a time. My body apparently was saying, "Okay, give me more."

Did I mention that I fit into all of my pre-pregnancy jeans? It is such a great feeling. I still feel pretty. I still feel beautiful like a woman should. I thought I would lose a big chunk of that as a mom. Not so. Moms can be sexy, I guess. Who would've thunk it?

I am also getting up at 6:00 in the morning without a problem. I wake up before he does now. I have quiet time by myself before Jeremy wakes up. I actually got a lot of cleaning done.

To Be Honest

Well, I am writing to you because I just want a "sounding board". So I'm talking about the "F" word! (In my life, the "F" word is "feelings".) I'm not really looking for a response or anything.
I have finally figured out that I am feeling insecure because I know I am changing and I am afraid that Jeremy won't like me as much.

I told Jeremy this and he says I'm being silly. Which is pretty much the response I expected.

I want to like myself and I guess I'm having a hard time accepting the changes and liking them. It's been a very long time since I've not liked myself so I'm losing self-confidence which is the ONE thing a woman needs to be attractive. Vicious cycle!

So the solution? I should probably figure out what I am not liking about the changes and work on making positive changes.

Motherhood is a beautiful, wonderful thing. I think it makes me be more aware and more attentive to the kind of person I am becoming for my sake, the sake of my husband and the sake of my son. I would like my family to be as functional as possible and the dysfunction usually starts with a crazy mom. The world does not need another one of those!

Amberland has been bought out!

I'm bored. I just want to relax. I need a back massage. I don't relax very much anymore because I think Karsten will need me at any minute so I feel like I'm constantly "on".

Now I feel like having a nap. Or a margarita. Or something.

I don't feel as fun as I used to be. I don't know. It's serious to be a mom but I just want to have fun and laugh and keep things light. I feel like I am losing that "keeping things light" part of myself.

My marriage has changed. I didn't want it to. We have to function more as adults, I guess. It takes more communication, talking about things even when things are not pleasant and just fun and silly. I like just fun and silly. I don't like confrontation of any sort, really. However, I know it is unhealthy to keep things bottled up or to stuff problems when everything isn't just fine. Parenthood takes more compromise in a marriage I guess.

If anyone has tips on how to stay silly with a newborn, please let me know. I try to think of silly things to do, or make light of situations I have to deal with repetitively with my son. But I don't feel like I have the resources outside of that to cope, to find as much humor, to truly enjoy the lighter side of life. Which is sad because it's that side that is the best side for me.

I want AmberLand back!

Money Issues

I think a lot more about things like health insurance, drug problems in my community and the state education system now that I'm a mom.

My momness is stressed about bills. I really want to be responsible about paying everything on time. I need health insurance for my family. I am self employed. My husband works at a small church.

I have been thinking a lot about finding a "real" job instead of being self employed but the potential for money in this job is so good. I am in my third year and building my business, so I should just get busier and learn more to do better, correct? I don't know.

I want to go back and finish school. I want to live somewhere that is close to a four year college. I am looking for a profession that will pay well and be reliable. Not something I necessarily love because now I love my son and my family and that's what I will work for.

I want to live in a state where the education is better than 48th out of 50.

I could sell my house, take the profit and buy a home in Iowa free and clear. The downside is that I would then live in Iowa.

All of a sudden, life as it was two months ago is not going to cut it for life with a son. I am going to have to step up my game in real estate and start pulling down the money I know I can make if I apply myself. I am going to have to live within a budget. I am going to have to start saving for retirement and Baby K's college fund.

I feel motivated to do all of these things now. It's just the immediate future that is stressing me out. Maybe by the Spring, I will be rolling along in business enough to generate income for a good insurance program, get an online education and start that savings program!!

Anyway, that is what's on my mind right now. Thanks for letting me get it out!