Something for the Guys!

I had a pretty boring weekend. I got sick and so there are no fun stories to post for y'all. Instead, I shall plagerize unlike Kyle. Oh, and to my constituents, I would like to say I really enjoy reading your blogs. Even if your school messed you up for life, I have to say it did make you quite literate. I appreicate ya'll's (can you make ya'll possessive?) sense of humor and great writing style. Thanks! (Yes, I learned to talk in Texas. I live in Arizona and no longer have an accent but I do like the word ya'll.)

Since you usually give me a daily laugh, here is my token of gratitude in return. A little hand up for Valentine's Day. (I stole the whole enchilada from a blog called Evangelical Outpost which often times I find much too narrow for my worldview, but this was really good!)
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Over this past week I’ve written posts on many pointless things that are no use to mankind. But today we must set aside such trivial issues and turn to more serious matters: preparing men for Valentine’s Day. (Your friend, Greg was an inspiration to think of my fellow human.)

With only days left you need to start making plans now. Wait much longer and you’ll find yourself at the Quik-E-Mart fighting other pathetic slobs for the last Whitman’s sampler or single-stem plucked-in-November rose.

But I have an alternative to cheap candy and wilted flowers. It’s thoughtful. It’s romantic. It’s cheap.

It’s the love letter.

Follow these steps in writing your love letter and you just might be able to prevent your Valentine’s Day from becoming another massacre:


Buy some stationery -- You're a big boy now so throw away the Big Chief tablet you've had since 3rd grade and buy some quality paper. Keep in mind that if you don't feel like a total wimp when you buy the stationery then you purchased the wrong type.

Don't even think of typing the letter -- Unless you have the penmanship of a doctor, the letter should be in your own handwriting. If you have the penmanship of a doctor because you are a doctor, then you make enough money that you don't have to worry about impressing women anyway.

Be specific and personal -- Don't just write one letter that you photocopy and hand out to all the new girls you meet. That won't get you anywhere. You have to actually go to the trouble of copying the same letter out by hand every time you give it to a different girl.

Points will be deducted for spelling -- Pretend you're giving the letter to your high school English teacher who'll be taking points off for spelling. Since women pass the letters around to their inner circle - which tends to include every woman in a 50 mile radius - you'll be judged by plenty of people. You might consider having a female friend proofread it for you since she’ll soon be reading it anyway.

(By the way, if the letter is intended for your high school English teacher then you have issues that even I can't help you with.)

Write, rewrite, repeat -- Start out by writing a rough draft. Now take your rough draft and throw it away because it makes you sound like an idiot.

Seriously, it does. Just trust me on this one. I don't know why that's always true. It just is.

Write it again and try not to be so sappy this time. You don't want to scare her away by giving her the impression that you’re some kind of freak. She shouldn't be able to figure out what kind of freak you are until she's been married to you for at least ten years.

Resist the temptation to give her a note that says, "Do you like me? Check yes or no." -- This was cute and original the first 500 times she received this type of note from some faux-sensitive guy who wants to give the impression that he's being "child-like" when in reality he’s just being lazy.

Unfortunately, this is the sole opportunity for a guy to be lazy and have a woman think that he’s being cute. That's also why better minds have thought of using this corny gimmick long before you came along.

Give it to her before you chicken out -- Your brain will try to talk you out of giving her the love letter. It will tell you that you're setting yourself up for future embarrassment. Your brain, of course, is right. But don't listen to reason. Being in love has nothing to do with being reasonable. In fact, love requires that you make completely irrational choices. If we didn’t there would be no romance, no marriage, and no jewelry stores.

A last resort -- If all else fails and you just can’t think of anything, let me know. I'll send you a photocopy of the letter I use. Just remember to copy it in your own handwriting and to not give it to any girl whose zip code starts with 7. Otherwise, there's a good chance she's seen the letter before.

The last paragraph does not apply to me. Sorry! The only thing I can say is use lots of nature allusions. Do not go Song of Solomon on us and compare any female to any part of a goat or sheep. Not cool! In fact, stay away from any animal you might consume.

You can use the comments for a sounding board, but please try not to be too crude. Thanks!