You Really Love Me-Underneath It All

When I first met him, I took him at face value. Sounded good- looked good. Why not? I would always, unquestioningly do whatever he would ask. I became a puppet for him. If I saw someone trying to out-do me, I would always one up them, thinking I was doing better than they were.

In high school, I would do things I knew he didn't want me to do. But I did them and felt guilty. It was horrible. I wanted to be liked by people I had no business being friends with and I knew he disapproved but I forged ahead. Eventually the guilt went away. I would still admit to knowing him if people asked because they would hear something about our relationship. It didn't mean much though.

After a while, he decided to let me be friends with those people. It was what I thought I wanted. Then I got angry. I cursed him. I did horrible things just to anger him and show him I could make it on my own. I didn't want him in my life anymore. I tried to kick him out. He left me alone. Life got worse but I was determined to make it on my own.

Then one day I realized that I was being stupid. This guy had promised to give me everything I ever wanted. He took care of me when I let him. Life was simple when I was friends with him. So I went back. It was hard at first. I had to swallow my pride and tell him sorry. I was afraid he might try to hurt me or continue to ignore me or tell me to go away. Instead, he still loved me.

So I slowly began to do things to be nice to him. I have never forgotten how horrible I was to him so I always keep him in mind. Sometimes I want to do something that I know would hurt him. I struggle over it, but in the end I won't do it. I remember how it was when he wasn't around. It wasn't fun.

Now I feel so free. Not just barely free- abundantly totally free. I do pay attention to not just giving in to doing whatever I want to. It's like any friendship. I have to be aware of him and be considerate. But the coolest thing is the total abundant love I have. It makes me whole. It makes it so I can go through life making good decisions because I am not so worried about what people will think because I know at the end of the day, no matter what, I love him, he loves me and he's the only one that really counts. I find that I am kinder to people because I am secure. I can help people because I myself have more to give. I can be drained of all my resources for caring and concern because I know he's just gonna fill me up anyway. His love for me never runs out. He has been watching me and loving me for a very long time.

He'll be with me forever. He promised. I believe him. He didn't give up during the rough times. He stood by, ready to lend a hand when I fell in my 6" slut heels. How could I not love him?