Confessions of a Christian

I No Longer Have Teens to Try This Stuff On...

2010-11-22T21:54:00.001-08:00

Life is short. We of all people should know that. There is no guarantee of tomorrow. It's today. Today, this moment, the present choice that counts. It's not what you plan to do when you grow up, retire, get "that" job, have a family, have kids, move. It's all now that matters, this moment.

But what about my friends, my relationship, my coworkers? What about school? I have too much going on. My responsibilities are too much. I can't quit now. I have to ease from one life to another.

Maybe for you the excuses aren't the present variety but the past.

If you only knew. I'm holding back because of my:

Parents
Pastor
Church
Friends
The way people treated me
Family
Trauma
Health
Finances
Spouse
Teachers
Lack of Opportunity
Education

Jesus said, leave what you are doing this moment and follow me. For some, it's the things you love holding you back. For others, the responsibilities of life trap you into feeling like you can't do anything. And some want to never get up & move because the past taught them they cant love, they can't trust or there will be "someday" to do what they should. Luke 9:57-62

There are 3 stumbling blocks for people to follow Jesus in this passage: possessions/security, people they don't want to let go of now (shown by needing to say goodbye to family), and the past/responsibility (shown by needing to bury someone).

Here's my challenge. Wipe away all of the excuses. Forget the past (and press on to what God has called you to), remember that the people are not more important than Jesus. Disregard how you will get where you are going. Just go. This is the only moment you have.

The Blanket

2009-03-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to sit still and be quiet.

Writing was my way to focus my thoughts, still my mind and quiet my soul. Once I had Karsten, I stopped writing. Not only did I stop blogging, I stopped journaling. I used to journal my prayers, my conversations with God. Now most of my conversatons with God are done on the freeway at 85 MPH, in between tasks and duties or while playing with my son, amazed at who he is.

Busy-ness is a poison that robs the soul of beauty. When I cannot take time to stop and reflect, to channel my emotions, impressions and feelings through to my Maker everything gets too busy. I get so busy that even when my son manages to get my attention and we are sitting on the floor without the TV on, two other projects playing out and things needing to be done, I suddenly have to go pee or I remember the forgotten load of laundry in the washing machine.

I do not rest.

It's not so much fixing the 100s of tasks I have to complete in a day. It's not reducing the amount of hours I work. It's not cutting out anything.

It is making time for something.

It's making time to sit in a place and rest. Rest with my weary thoughts, my heavy load, my joyful moments, my new experiences. It is feeding my roots so deep in the ancient path of the Word of God that will slow everything else down so I can grasp every moment in every task that is laid before me. If I try to do every task and then stop, I will continue to run, to pant and to grow weary. If I start off in the depth of ancient wisdom, seek out paths that my soul craves and explore the beauty of the life I have been gifted with, I will find rest. I will be at peace.

This is my pause. This is my break. This is what truly binds my life together, encompasses every detail. I must take time to acknowledge the Maker of it all and see the beauty in the weaving he is creating through my life. As I stop to see where He is taking me and watch how He pulls it all together, I can finally rest in the knowledge that I am right where I need to be.

Recounting SLIP: Part II

2009-03-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

I met 'Boy with Sweaty Hands' and 'Creepy Sidekick' within an hour after being permanently left at SLIP forever. Well, if forever meant until Labor Day, then forever. At any rate, watching the brake lights to my dad's car before he turned onto the main road and drove way gave a sense of finality to the fact that I was starting a new journey in life. I was stuck. I think my parents established an 800# at home while I was away so I could call but there was no way I was wimping out. I'm way too tough. After my dad's car faded into a heat wave behind a wall of traffic, I turned to my dorm room.

I felt the walls closing in as I began to unpack my meager belongings. My roommate had shown up with her ultra-preppy belongings as if she had just come from the country club after finishing her tennis lessons and refreshing herself with a cool glass of iced tea with a sprig of mint. Looking back, I'm mildy surprised that an entourage of pool boys did not carry her well organized boxes, freshly done dry cleaning and down comforter in to the room. She reminded me of a 55 year old in an 18 year old body. Her parents lived in Malaysia for a lot of her teenage years as her dad was a "muckitymuck" for his company. She drove a Lexus with leather interior. She was a college student. I had no car. I would later find out that her car was nicer than even the staff and faculty at SLIP. I think she left her silver spoon at home. "Spoons" was my roomie.

After being in the same room with her for about ten minutes, I was ready for some fresh air. I decided to wander away from my dorm room with all the unpacked belongings. Procrastination becomes an art form in college. I started early.

I opened the door to the dorms and stepped into blinding, hot, white light. A heat wave rolled over me and instantly every pore of my body poured forth sweat. Luckily, I'm a girl and I only glisten and it smells rosy.

I descended the stairs and turned to my right. I know now I should have turned left. 'Boy with Sweaty Hands' and 'Creepy Sidekick' were about five paces to my right and closing in. There they were, physically looking somewhat like Laurel and Hardy. Their personalities were not nearly as cool or amusing. Creepy Sidekick started in by introducing himself. He had a weird smile plastered on his face and looked at me as if I were his long lost best friend. After saying "Hello" and giving my name, I felt like I was expected to say or do something more than the occasion called for. Awkward. I stood there with nothing more to say and they stood staring at me. They had the look in their eyes that boys get when they want to be dashing and daring but end up saying something like, "I'm madly in love with a school boy."

No exaggeration, as soon as I was able to extricate myself from the moment of great awkwardness and continue to peruse the grounds solo (not that they boys hadn't offered to escort me), I realized that my unnamed fears of not being able to relate to anyone at this Conservative Christian school may be very, very well founded.

Recounting SLIP: Part I

2009-03-03T19:46:00.001-08:00

My dad drove me to SLIP. I think perhaps it felt a bit like summer camp. My meager belongings were crammed into his car for the drive to a new place where I had apprehensions about the people I would meet and what this would be like.

I vaguely remember as I arrived and registered, I was recruited to play volleyball. Growing up I vehemently opposed any form of action that required coordination. In high school, I was heavily recruited by the basketball and volleyball coach to play in sports. I am tall. I am not coordinated. I had a huge fear of making a fool of myself. I'm good at making a fool of myself without moving and having objects whizzing about. I tried to put the person at the registration desk off but they were having none of it. I figured I was trying something completely new in life, and as I had a new found respect for myself due to a good decision about eight weeks earlier, I decided "What the heck!". I agreed to at least show up for the first practice.

As I walked out of the main building with my room assignment and papers in hand, I felt a knot form in my stomach as I pondered what kind of person the school assigned me to live with and what it would all be like. I also realized as I read the list of college rules, none of my clothes fit into the school's dress code. Let's say I had a bit of a "working lady" wardrobe happening as I was quite fit, men liked me and I liked to be noticed. This was great when walking around my small hometown with the bottom of my butt cheeks hanging out of my shorts, barley concealed behind the ruffles sewn on the hems but not so much when a person joins a small Christian school. These are the things I did not really consider when deciding on SLIP.

I was committed. I had already paid the registration fee and filled out the FAFSA Forms. My dad was proud. There was no turning back.

Luckily, my first test of this resolve was not until after I had placed my belongings into my room and my dad took me on a shopping spree to deck out my dorm room and then left me there.

It was just after that that I encountered my first serious doubts about having decided upon this course of action for my life. I met 'Boy with Sweaty Hands' and 'Creepy Sidekick'.

To Be Continued.

Set the Stage

2009-03-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

I have decided to undertake a writing project for as long as I'm interested in finishing it out and depending on how well I can recollect little stories from my past. My memory used to be razor sharp, now it is a bit more loose than that. I'll try to pull some gems out and dust them off and place them in a way you can appreciate. We will see how it goes!

I'm specifically targeting about 2 years of my life when I attended a small college in the U.S. We shall call it Small School with Lots of Interesting People. That's a little long. SSLIP? Haha. Yes. SLIP!

I think I will start at the beginning with SLIP: Day 1. Or maybe a prequel? Hmmmm....

Captivating

2009-02-22T12:31:00.000-08:00

I am just wondering if anyone else feels the way I do?

I don't fit in. Anywhere. Not completely anyway. I am a mom and I often feel completely inadequate in that realm. I work and often don't have enough hours to be successful at the job (sales). As a wife, I am often forgetful of my husband's needs or too tired to even care. At church, I am not the Proverbs 31 wife. I am not patient. I like to sleep in. I frequently am caught being snarky. Anyway, I just don't feel like I fit in.

To add insult to injury, I have to go through a class on a book called "Captivating" which describes the universal heart of a woman and how that fits into God's plan. Now, my brain often gets in the way of understand the subject matter, especially when the case that is built upon a questionable foundation. Such is the case of Captivating. The thing is, it has valid points but my brain is so busy trying to justify what they are saying, that I miss the whole point for the holes in the logic.

To compound the issue, I don't relate to women in general. I only had a best friend or two at a time growing up. The rest of the people I hung out with were usually guys. I thought other girls were mean and catty. When I started college, my impression on other females started to change as I was in a dorm with 40 other females. Turns out women are a great part of life. Being a mom now, I don't know what I would do without other moms. The most tender and nurturing people in my life are women. I aspire to be more like many of them.

However, Captivating seems to draw out this femininity factor in other women I think I was made without. Or perhaps, growing up being a complete daddy's girl, looking up to my older brother to the point of trying to do everything the way he did (I mean everything), and being a tomboy in general who would rather solve disputes with my fists than tears, I just feel like I'm missing it.

In the book's defense, I went in with a chip on my shoulder after deciding that the video clips remind me of vagina monologues and the opening chapter was so "girlie" that I felt defensive right away because I wasn't the girl twirling in dresses or dreaming for a knight in shining armor.

Anyway, as I continue to bear with it (because I'm forced to) there are things that speak to me but I'm afraid that it is misleading in some ways and so on the points of inaccuracy or poor fact gathering, I don't want to "buy into" the book in case it is a bunch of malarkey and the God they describe in the book is not the one of reality.

The key takeaway for me at this point is simply that we have a desire to be seen, noticed and cherished. Those desires are good desires that can be fulfilled through things here on earth but really should primarily be filled by our Creator. That I can agree with. I guess from here it's a journey for God to reveal my own heart to myself and how he fulfills these questions/longings/needs that are innate to who I am. Should be fun. I'll go pursue God. I like him!!

Anyone else out there that would like to understand the book but really have a hard time delving into it and seeing themselves in a lot of the descriptions or molds that they assume women share?

2009-02-04T19:40:00.000-08:00

I don't care about fashion anymore. I rarely even put my clean laundry away. It sits in a pile, a single article waiting to be discovered and donned once again.

I have been peed on. I have been pooped on. I have been puked on. Two years and two months ago, none of these things had ever happened. I now will leave my house without doing anything to my hair; not even blow-drying it. If I don't have to go into public, the chances of taking a shower are slim. My house is usually a disaster of sorts or has just had emergency work done and is anxiously awaiting the next hit. There is a mop drying outside. It is almost 9 o'clock at night. My shower has not been cleaned in many, many months. It's the same story with the dogs. Exercise? Once a week on the treadmill on average. Grocery shopping? I buy three things here and four things there.

Wow this is depressing me.

There is a break in my life, not a gradual undoing of things. The break is before birth and after birth. (Let's not talk about after birth though. It's a bit gross.) I was never convinced I wanted to really be a mom. The reason was because I thought I would end up doing all of the things I just listed and never be able to sleep past 8 am. It happened. I became a mom. It seems all I'm missing are the jeans.

For me, being a mom is a balancing act. I don't balance well so it is tricky. I tend to get caught up in one aspect of life or another. The beauty of my child is that he helps me keep everything in perspective.

I am maybe a typical person. I work 40+ hours a week. I have a house to clean. I have dinners to cook. I have a husband with whom I enjoy this life. I have bills to pay. I have clothes that need to be put away. I have laundry that needs tending to. I have a relationship with God. I have an iPhone to update. I have dogs to feed. I have volunteer work to do. I have a family I love.

Do you ever feel like you never wholly fit in any one place? There are certain ways that I fit well with one part of my family but then some other things that aren't quite the same. I then have some areas I fit in with another part of my life, such as work, but then there are areas that I just don't quite click. Same thing at church. In fact, this might be more exaggerated at church. I obviously have some things in common with other people I attend church with but then there are a lot of traits that don't mesh well in that situation. There is no place that 100% of who I am is 100% understood or accepted. I don't even 100% understand myself sometimes!

I guess if I stop and think about it (as I am freestyle writing), I may only feel completely comfortable around my 2 year old. Except that I often feel inadequate or lost when mothering my child. I wonder what traits of mine he will end up having imprinted upon him. I hope he is able to see life from a "half full" perspective and has a great hunger for God.

I am a very happy and content person but a skeptic too. Is that possible? Well I guess so because it's true. I like things to make sense. I will analyze things to death but then I also fly by the seat of my pants and make compulsive decisions. This is all a bunch of fun, huh? I guess it's no wonder I don't really fit in anywhere totally.

I'm done rambling for the moment. At least I'm done rambling in prose.

More Candy Please

2008-11-04T19:31:00.000-08:00

My recently-turned 2 year old son was a monkey for Halloween. Everyone said, "What a cute little bear!"

"Thanks!"

He was training how to hold out his pumpkin bucket and say "Twick or Tweet" all week but when it came down to the big night, he usually abandoned the usual saying for "More Candy, please."

It worked. Melts grandmas hearts apparently. He has a thing for suckers.

I recently acquired an iPhone. It compares to no other phone. It's not phone-centric. Apple didn't sit down and think, "Let's build a cell phone with some cool features." I think they took a product that was working and thought, "How can we get this to function as a cell phone too?" Cha-ching! It is brilliant. Enough said. Old news, I know. I just adapted several months later than the original launch.

On the other hand, I just got a Blackberry Bold yesterday on the AT&T Network. Early adapter on this one. I like it better than the iPhone in some regards. It is easier to text/email with. It is actually more powerful with out of the box features like aGPS which is exclusive to AT&T as satellite GPS instead of just cell tower GPS. The phone has another AT&T exclusive- Cellular Video. It's not like you record a video and send it. Everyone can do that. With cellular video, you initiate and phone call and then start the cellular video over that and it is a real time video-conferencing call. Also, on a lighter note, the Bold comes pre-loaded with Blackberrys classic brickbreaker as well as Soduku, Poker and Solitare. Oh, and if I decide to stop in Japan or Korea, guess what? The AT&T Bold is up to snuff to take on that need to. It works seamlessly there much like the iPhone 3G. Last big feature that I like it the Bold's ability to work on any available WiFi Network. So basically, tether your laptop to the Bold using WiFi or just for a faster browsing experience overall. Which leads me to the highlight of the Bold- the browser experience. It is much like the iPhone with a real, graphic rich user experience that is much more like desktop browsing instead of what we used to get with Blackberry which was an adaptation of websites broken down into text only. This has a beatuiful full color screen with graphics and links where you are used to seeing them plus a mouse that moves to where you need it to on the page instead of having the trackball only select certain spots on a webpage.

There's some great random blogging for a night when most people are glued to the screen to see the inevitable outcome of today's elections- we will have a new president residing in the White House come January. No matter who it is, it will be a good direction and change for the U.S.

God Bless America. Please.

My Confession

2008-07-23T09:16:00.001-07:00

I guess it comes down to not feeling valued, cherished. Pretty is just a word. Beautiful is hollow. He has the title so it gives him the right but it is no more sacred for it. What difference does it really make? He has his imagination, his lust. Maybe no more should be expected from a man. Now is when I’m having a hard time getting over it and that makes no sense. Just shut it out, put it behind, erase it. But now I can’t. Makes no sense.

I want to feel like there is no one else anywhere that could hold a candle to me, even in his mind. I want to feel like it would be worth giving up everything in the world, fighting wars and facing peril just to have me but he can’t even stop this one thing from getting in between us.

Now the issue is I want to find a place where I do feel like no sacrifice is too big to keep me, to be with me, to understand me. Not this monotony. Not this compromise. Not this day in and day out comfortable because the title exists thing. He may be true to me physically but that’s not enough. I want body, mind and soul. Every inch, every molecule. There is no room for anyone or anything else in this. And if there is, there are holes, gaps. And the gaps are taken from me. What do I use to fill them? I feel lost. I feel that my worth has been traded for something intangible that I can’t lay a finger on or combat. I don’t want to combat it. I shouldn’t have to. This warps everything. My mentality. My marriage. It leads me to think of the what ifs. What if I could be more attractive? What if I needed to feel beautiful? What if this goes on and on? What if I’m tired? What if I’m weak? What if I’m not worth fighting for? What if I give up? What if…….

We are bound; twined together. But something has wrapped itself in us too and it is poison. I am helpless to remove it, pluck it out, strike at it. Nothing I can do will fix it. Not if I were stronger, tougher, smarter. It continues to suck at the life of this union. It is draining the beauty, the mystery, the heartbeat. We are gasping for breath.

The funny thing is the poison is now being withdrawn from us and now is when I am having a hard time coping with even the smallest trace. I feel betrayed. I can’t be violated one more time. I feel like I will just fall off and not be twined anymore, just lay to the side useless.
Where is the strength? Where is the Gardener? Where is the power to deal the final blow to the poison that threatens? Everything is on the line. Everything is at stake. My definition of loyalty, my ability to understand sex, my foundation of a solid marriage. It can’t crack any further, it can’t shift under my feet any longer. It has to become solid, unmoving, dependable, firm, able to hold me through everything, weather the stress, the bad, the good and the ugly. I have to know that we belong completely to each other and no one else. There is a person in me that won’t go down without a fight, won’t be the one to be made a fool of, will protect myself at all costs. This person is growing larger as I feel diminished. I cry out to God to help me stay empty of myself and for him to fill me, mend the gaps, stand guard in the hurt. But this person I feel more closely, gaining strength and speed, crouched waiting for one more assault, one more attack to take over and gain control, to pay back what was taken, to satisfy the longing to be beautiful, needed, loved and glorious. It would make me uglier than I could imagine but I would feel safe. Right now I guess I just want to feel safe. Know my boundaries, know what is going to happen, feel protected.

Half Life

2008-06-03T23:56:00.000-07:00

The difference is that I have lost hope. So much potential and beauty and meaning and purpose and destiny is written in the face and heart of every adolecent. Makes no difference who their parents are, where they grow up, how much money they are entitled too. They all get it. At least the ones I meet.

Maybe it's because when I meet them they are ready. They are expecting. They are hoping. They may be fearful or use pride and arrogance as a shield at first but they always lay down their weapons of protection with very little prodding.

They need to know they are loved. They need to know they are special. They need to know that they are the only one in life who can be who they are made to be. They need to know someone wants to see them when they are at their very worst, most angry, saddest, stupidest, beligerent and is there to celebrate the wins, the victories, the right choices and the hard road.

I gave up. I didn't realize it until tonight.

Quick background: Raised in church. Rebelled. Lonely. Self destructive. I realized I had betrayed the essence of who I was in my search to find who I was. Went back to my roots. Got sick of religion. Found God in life. Followed God. Ended back in church. In ministry.

I don't know what to say to describe the connection I had with the group of teens that I worked with. I invested so much. Realized so many of my notions about teenagers were completely wrong even though I had just recently been one and had been working with them since I was one. Something about this group captivated my heart. No matter what happened to them in life, they continued to press on in life. They got it. Circumstances did not dictate who they were. Their purpose was not tied to how people saw them. God created them. God knew. God led. They followed.

Josh died. People got ripped to pieces. Hobbling along they kept going. They inspired me. Moved me. Awed me. I loved them. I cried for them. I prayed for them. I encouraged them. I let them live with me. I gave them shoes. I bought them gifts. I fed them. I invested every molecule that I could into God and the love just gushed out of me.

One by one they started to fall.

I did not know that face by face and name by name my heart retreated. It hushed. I focused on the future, the next group.

They had all graduated. They made it. I wish I could carry them around in my back pocket and keep them safe. Instead I cried and prayed and fasted. I saw improvements, then backsliding, then hope, then a tapering off of growth.

Did God fail them? Did I fail them? Did they fail themselves?

I have a whole new group. Every last one of those first teenagers has now graduated. I recognize I do not have the passion, the drive, the hope or the connection that I once had with that first group at E.F.

Tonight it hit me as I lay praying in bed.

I don't think that what I do ultimately makes a difference in a single one of their lives. The prayers bear no fruit, the love has no consequence, the truth has been traded, the worship has been swallowed.

God, there was such destiny in that room. There was such greatness.

Now. Now what? Nothing different than any other person they knew. Same lifestyle. Same views. Same actions. Same reactions. Nothing different. They fell. They have not gotten up.

And so I sell short this new group. The next phase of teenagers is only getting part of my heart, part of my time, part of my prayers. I can't give it all. It hurts. It cuts. It despairs. It has no return. It is meaningless.

I have lost hope. Yet I am hoping that recognizing my problem is the first step towards recovery. Recover hope, recover love, recover compassion. Fully give without thought of the 22nd birthday.

Those teens still call, still text, still check in. When they are in need, the first group turn to me for advice, friendship, encouragement. But I don't see the difference it has made except that my heart hurts. Maybe they would say different. Maybe to them it has made a difference but I don't see any of them living with hope that they are what we told them they are- More than their circumstances, more than what people give them credit for. They forgot. They don't believe. It was too much for them.

I can't really make a difference beyond creating that initial environment of love and showing them Jesus. The rest seems immaterial.

Some People Wear Their Halos Too Tight

2007-10-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

It's scary if you think about it.....what America is becoming. I flew from Arizona to Minnesota to visit my mom's side of the family with my one year old. So here I am with my baby going through security. Prescription medicines and baby liquids like juice & formula do not need to be "claimed" in the liquid zip lock bags in containers under 3 ounces. They told me to take out any thing used to feed him. Took out the 5 oz bottles I mix with the formula. Big scene. I had to dump it out. Can't buy warm water to mix with formula to feed my kid and as any parent knows, when the plane is taking off you want the kid sucking on a bottle so their ears will pop and adjust to the change in pressure. I get so aggrivated when I think about this. They made me throw out the water I needed to make my baby a bottle. To feed my kid. Where am I supposed to get warm water to make a bottle? Have to pay airport prices of $6 for a COLD bottle of water. Being resourceful, I worked it out but the principle of the situation irriates me.

Where has common sense gone? I am a natural born citizen of this country. I am a giving and generous person who does not want to cause harm to other human beings. I am not involved in terrorism in any sense. I believe in America's freedom; our freedom of speech, the right to assemble. Now it is guilty until proven innocent and in case you're not, we're taking away the water you needed to feed your kid. If I would have argued, I would have been arrested. No free speech. I can't say, "Do you really think I am going to blow myself up with my baby?" If I were to say, "Do you think I'm going to commit a crime on a mass scale with my 1 year old son in tow?" that would be grounds enough to detain me. Maybe fine me.

This is scary. Not because I can't take water on a plane but because the rights of American citizens are being erroded. The terrorists are trying to take down America and they are winning. Through fear. Through fear they are chipping away at people's sense of security, the ability for people to say what is on their mind, the right to challenge an assinine government rule. Through fear people stare at men of Middle Eastern descent in the airport. Through fear people are acquiesing to the tighter rule of government in their lives in the name of a "safer America". It's for the good of the masses. Control. Good for the masses. Doesn't sound like a democratic place to be.

To further my rant (and possibly cause an audit by the IRS), taxes are oppresive. I work hard. Put my bills (mortgage, one car, college loan payoffs, 2 credit cards, car, health and life insurance, utilities) against my annual income and there is virtually nothing left. Groceries, gas, birthday presents, clothes for my ever-growing child (plus diapers and formula) require me to take a 2nd part time job. So between me and my husband, there are 3 incomes coming in. And there has to be to make ends meet. We are not extravagant in our spending. I shop at Wal-Mart and sometimes JC Pennys. Since the pregnancy, my feet grew. I still have not bought tennis shoes that fit. And yet, the government has figured out that I owe them $5,600. Am I here to serve my government? Obviously. I have to work, cut the small, tight budget I already live by in order to pay them back out of fear that they will take everything I have ever worked for.

My younger sister often says it is time for a revolution. The government has taken too much control, gotten the idea that We the People are here to serve them. The Senate and the House write up and pass laws for We the People yet put in clauses that make them exempt from the laws that they see as good enough for the rest of us. The IRS was created during the civil war to pay for the war. It stayed around long after the civil war. States are not allowed to vote out of federal law anymore. We cannot do what is best for our local government body. Did you know that if you make over a certain dollar amount (like $1.5M)you are exempt from taxes on any earnings above that? The U.S. collected $2.2 Trillion dollars last year in taxes from its citizens. And who benefits from the taxes? Surely We the People do. I don't mean all sour grapes. I like paved roads, electricity in the government buildings, etc. I appreciate that people who need help buying food are not left to starve in this country. I really like that kids in low income homes get health care. There is something askew about this country when there are so many instances where the constitution is stuffed. Things are getting off kilter when a hard working family is burdened by a bill from their own government and has fear that if they don't figure out how to take care of it, their whole adult life's work will be gone with just the life lessons left to stand by.

I don't know. I'm not a politics hound. I don't keep tabs on much in the political arena. These are just small observations from a voting citizen of a country that I love. I am only concerned. I am not labeled as a Republican or Democrat. I don't back any particular political icon. I am not trying to tell anyone who to believe or what to do. I am just a person who feels a bit oppressed, crushed against a government that is so big that there is nothing this one person by herself can do. There is no one that will listen to common sense because this country is so big that the Federal Government can't worry about a single individual's experiences and hardship. They can't judge a person on a specific situation as the laws apply, it is the law applies to all situations. And there are so many laws. So many rules. And the constituion isn't taught. We know more about Brittney Spears than our potential presidents for the next election.

I'm worried.

July 21, 2007

2007-02-05T06:17:00.000-08:00

Yay for July 21, 2007. The newest and last book of the Harry Potter's series is being released on that date. I am sure I will be reading every word and every page in every spare moment I have.

Being that I am a new mom, you are probably wondering if I am in Amberland thinking I could actually read a book with what will then be a seven month old. Well, I managed to read "Next" by Michael Crichton in just a few days with a two month old. I was sort of surprised, honestly. Someone had gotten me John Grishams' "Innocent Man" for my birthday when Karsten was only four days old and I tried reading it when he was about six weeks old but to no avail. The book never really seemed to get started. It all seemed like story background, even halfway through. But "Next" was really exciting and fun with quick chapters that developed and moved the characters along at a very nice clip. So I was committed to reading that book and was finished in a few days.

Being that JK Rowling books are getting to be the length of "Gone with the Wind", I am sure it will take me weeks to finish and maintain life outside of the novel so I am also sure I will be obsessing about what happens next and speed through the diaper changes as quickly as possible to get back to my chair, holding my child in one arm and holding the book that weighs the same as my child in another arm. But I am a wee bit excited. Is Dumbledore really dead? Who has been retriving the trinkets that hold Voldemort's soul? Who is next to die? What will happen with Ron and Hermoinie- do they fall in love happily ever after? Does Ginny make things work with Harry? Huh? Huh? Huh?

My First Mistake as a Mom

2007-01-04T22:18:00.000-08:00

I keep my house clean. I constantly wash my hands. I disenfect his room and the house doorknobs occasionally. I pick him up constantly, talk to him, play with him. I am quick to change a diaper. I spot treat his clothes.

Yet I feel like the worst mom in the world right now.

Kids should come with an instruction manual. In today's uber-informed day, I google everything. For example, I have a vast knowledge of RSV, homeopathic remedies for babies, pros and cons to immunization shots and some little tricks, why newborn babies don't shed tears when they cry, what developmental milestones he should hit and when, how to wash clothes, special mixtures for diaper rash.

Yet somehow I missed this. In my defense, I went to go pick up the Tylenol one week after he was born, right after he was circumcized. I was a bit daffy still.

So at two and a half months old, I took Karsten in to get his first round of immunization shots. Usually babies get them at exactly two months old, but it is was Christmas with lots of parties to attend and the immunization shots forces the body to be sick so it is wise to keep the baby away from potential germs.

So yesterday at 3:00, before we went to the pediatrician, I gave Karsten 8 ml of Children's Tylenol as the nurse had instructed so it wouldn't be so painful because he would be stoned. He was a champ. He didn't get a fever, hasn't been too fussy except for some gas. This morning at 9, I gave him 8 ml more because he had a slight fever but he was still all smiley and happy with me.

Tonight about 8:00 his fever seemed a bit warmer and he was yelling and even offering him food didn't quiet him. So I put some milk in a bottle and added the Tylenol. As I was doing this, I noticed that 80ml was enough for a 35-47 pound kid. That's roughly three times more than Karsten weighs.

So I went to go make sure I had the correct dropper. I did.

I called the pediatrician's office and had an after hours nurse call back.

Apparently Tylenol comes in a strength for children and another type for Infants. I had Children's Tylenol in liquid form. In my mind, infants are children so that was the stuff I bought when Karsten was 9 days old.

So I have overdosed my kid with Tylenol which is potentially fatal. My first mistake as a mom is a fatal one.

My husband called his mom who said the same thing the pediatrican's nurse did. He should be fine because he had only 2 doses which were 18 hours apart and there are no apparent side effects yet. We should make sure he gets more liquids than normal. (Yea for me, I get to wake up every 3 hours like he's a newborn again. Small pennance for how bad I feel though.) If the spot under his ribcage feels hard or is really tender to Karsten or if he turns yellow, we are probably in big trouble.

We googled acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol. An overdose could require a liver transplant or it may result in death. Acetaminophenis a toxin. Ever hear of a teenager trying to overdose on a bottle of asprin? Tylenol is more likely to work better.

So I called Poison Control Center. 1-800-222-1222 I didn't have to look that up. I now have it memorized.

The guy on the phone was very nice. He asked questions like Karsten's age, weight, potency of the Tylenol. After doing some math he told me that the doseage he got was three to six times what he needed but it didn't pose a real problem.

My holistic doctor called me after I left a message for her. She told me to take milk thistle, a liver maintenance pill, viatmin C, enzymes and acidophilous every four hours for the next two days.

He'll be fine. I just wonder why my first mistake couldn't be putting his shirt on backwards?

Sleep

2006-12-16T21:28:00.000-08:00

My social life is making a comeback. I have been out to all sorts of Christmas parties with my baby. We are both getting our social fix, I guess. Of course, having a newborn attracts all sorts of attention, even from people I would like to not get attention from.

Jeremy and I went to my company's Christmas party last night. First of all, most of the people I work with are very upper class that own multi-million homes, BMWs, have investment portfolios, etc. They aren't people I feel completely comfortable around. I am middle class and work well with blue collar or even white collar people. But people who are so rich they have no collars because they don't have to work, that is a different story. I would like to be one of those people someday, but hopefully I can still be down to earth.

So this lady last night who I have never met kind of camped out near Jeremy and I and offered tidbits of advice like, "Babies are small." Okay, it wasn't really advice but more obvious facts that anyone would know about a baby. She was wearing a gold shirt and a vest that was embroidered with what looked like a scene from a Victorian painting. I am sure she was wearing pants, but I don't remember because of the upper half of her outfit. I had never met this woman before, but she hovered and stared a lot. I had to nod and smile quite a bit. It was odd.

Tonight we had the Christmas party with the teenagers. We probably had 35 people there. It was a blast and I felt so much more natural and comfortable. No one gave me baby advice. I had lots of compliments on how handsome Karsten is which a mother always likes. (I hear it so much I wonder if it is sincere though.) The teens played games and laughed and teased. It was wonderful.

Tomorrow night is another Christmas party at our friend's house. Thursday night is a Christmas party for my husband's work. We will leave to go to the in-laws for Christmas on Sunday.

So I have to finish wrapping presents, hit Wal Mart for a few last items and count my blessings again. I love Christmas!

This year I think I am more in the Christmas spirit because we don't have money this year. We had to keep our gifts to everyone at about $10. We didn't buy a Christmas tree. My husband and I aren't exchanging presents with each other. I was sad at first. I love buying gifts for people without much consideration for cost. I am sure we usually blow about $1000 every Christmas. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in getting EVERYONE a present, shopping, wrapping, and the busyness of the season that I feel more exhausted than anything. This year I have had time to reflect on the true blessings I have in my life which no store bought gift could ever rival. I have a home. I have a loving husband. I have a well behaved, easy to care for baby boy who is beautiful. I have family who cherishes me. I have friends who care for me. My family is healthy. My family is functional. I have good in-laws. The weather is still in the 60s and 70s here. God has given me so many gifts that mean so much! He is the best gift giver.

On to Motherhood updates: (Even though my readership is zero!)

My baby is sleeping through the night. I feel so blessed that at only seven weeks, he started going to sleep through the night. The first time I had eight hours of sleep in a row, I actually felt more tired than when I was getting about three hours at a time. My body apparently was saying, "Okay, give me more."

Did I mention that I fit into all of my pre-pregnancy jeans? It is such a great feeling. I still feel pretty. I still feel beautiful like a woman should. I thought I would lose a big chunk of that as a mom. Not so. Moms can be sexy, I guess. Who would've thunk it?

I am also getting up at 6:00 in the morning without a problem. I wake up before he does now. I have quiet time by myself before Jeremy wakes up. I actually got a lot of cleaning done.

To Be Honest

2006-12-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I am writing to you because I just want a "sounding board". So I'm talking about the "F" word! (In my life, the "F" word is "feelings".) I'm not really looking for a response or anything.
I have finally figured out that I am feeling insecure because I know I am changing and I am afraid that Jeremy won't like me as much.

I told Jeremy this and he says I'm being silly. Which is pretty much the response I expected.

I want to like myself and I guess I'm having a hard time accepting the changes and liking them. It's been a very long time since I've not liked myself so I'm losing self-confidence which is the ONE thing a woman needs to be attractive. Vicious cycle!

So the solution? I should probably figure out what I am not liking about the changes and work on making positive changes.

Motherhood is a beautiful, wonderful thing. I think it makes me be more aware and more attentive to the kind of person I am becoming for my sake, the sake of my husband and the sake of my son. I would like my family to be as functional as possible and the dysfunction usually starts with a crazy mom. The world does not need another one of those!

Amberland has been bought out!

2006-12-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

I'm bored. I just want to relax. I need a back massage. I don't relax very much anymore because I think Karsten will need me at any minute so I feel like I'm constantly "on".

Now I feel like having a nap. Or a margarita. Or something.

I don't feel as fun as I used to be. I don't know. It's serious to be a mom but I just want to have fun and laugh and keep things light. I feel like I am losing that "keeping things light" part of myself.

My marriage has changed. I didn't want it to. We have to function more as adults, I guess. It takes more communication, talking about things even when things are not pleasant and just fun and silly. I like just fun and silly. I don't like confrontation of any sort, really. However, I know it is unhealthy to keep things bottled up or to stuff problems when everything isn't just fine. Parenthood takes more compromise in a marriage I guess.

If anyone has tips on how to stay silly with a newborn, please let me know. I try to think of silly things to do, or make light of situations I have to deal with repetitively with my son. But I don't feel like I have the resources outside of that to cope, to find as much humor, to truly enjoy the lighter side of life. Which is sad because it's that side that is the best side for me.

I want AmberLand back!

Money Issues

2006-12-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

I think a lot more about things like health insurance, drug problems in my community and the state education system now that I'm a mom.

My momness is stressed about bills. I really want to be responsible about paying everything on time. I need health insurance for my family. I am self employed. My husband works at a small church.

I have been thinking a lot about finding a "real" job instead of being self employed but the potential for money in this job is so good. I am in my third year and building my business, so I should just get busier and learn more to do better, correct? I don't know.

I want to go back and finish school. I want to live somewhere that is close to a four year college. I am looking for a profession that will pay well and be reliable. Not something I necessarily love because now I love my son and my family and that's what I will work for.

I want to live in a state where the education is better than 48th out of 50.

I could sell my house, take the profit and buy a home in Iowa free and clear. The downside is that I would then live in Iowa.

All of a sudden, life as it was two months ago is not going to cut it for life with a son. I am going to have to step up my game in real estate and start pulling down the money I know I can make if I apply myself. I am going to have to live within a budget. I am going to have to start saving for retirement and Baby K's college fund.

I feel motivated to do all of these things now. It's just the immediate future that is stressing me out. Maybe by the Spring, I will be rolling along in business enough to generate income for a good insurance program, get an online education and start that savings program!!

Anyway, that is what's on my mind right now. Thanks for letting me get it out!

Maui!!

2006-12-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

I can tell I am getting more rest. I actually have brain capacity to daydream and wish. It is a change from the grind of worrying about the basics of food, sleep and cleanliness. However, day dreaming is dangerous. I found myself wanting a brief vacation and only six weeks into this new momness! I am ready for Baby K to be a bit more independent, but only for a week so I can go to San Diego or Maui. Ahhh....beaches and mai tais. I could just wave my worries and stresses away. I could sleep in again. Just some simple things to look forward to.

I think I have a year to go at least for something like that. And I am sure five hours into an excursion, I would be missing Mr. J and Baby K and would have to turn around and go home immediately.

So this evening I was feeling a wee bit sorry for myself. I gave the dogs a bath, did dishes, did laundry, took out trash, fed changed and burped Baby K countless times today. By this evening, I just wanted someone to make dinner for me. I wanted to take a long bath or have sex or do something normal. I wanted the house to be magically clean and the laundry to put itself away. Just a break where I didn't feel guilty for leaving Mr. J to tend to things just because I didn't want to for a while.

I am grateful that I have a great husband who can help out and is more than willing to. He is constantly telling me, "Amber, just ask for help when you need it." But I feel guilty for not wanting to do it myself. If I don't want to do it, why would anyone else?

On a side note, Mr. J needs to take cooking classes.

Boring or Strange?

2006-12-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

I don’t like blending in, being normal, hum-drum or status quo. I think it is part of the reason I waited a while to become a mom. Everyone has kids it seems. I know God made us to reproduce and it’s fairly easy to do, even without intending to.

I am a middle income American, wife of a youth pastor, a mom and I don’t even think I qualify as a MILF. I don’t think there is much originality in that. The thought sort of depressed me for a few days. I am just glad I have today’s version of a wagon instead of a white minivan I guess. Plus, I don’t have to take anyone to soccer practice just yet.

I now wake up between 4:30 and 5:30 in the morning and go to bed no later than 9:00 at night in most cases. I do laundry, clean the house, get urges to make homemade cookies, make dinner, feed the dogs, compulsively vacuum the living room. I watch Oprah and Dr. Phil in the afternoon. I even think about looking for coupons online before I go shopping and I budget and figure out how much I have in the bank account and how many bills I have to pay to see if they balance. (The good news is that I live in a country where the national deficit will always be something to consider before I begin to panic. Do other countries call the White House daily asking about payment? I digress.)

I worry about germs and sickness and coughs and cleanliness. I have a working knowledge of how to change a diaper on a six week old baby at 2:30 in the morning when he is squirming, kicking and screaming and can manage to get the diaper on and all fifty snaps repositioned in no time flat. I eat even faster. I can down lunch or dinner in under two minutes flat.

Where’s my originality? Basically, it’s in my DNA.

Psalm 139 (The Bible)

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

I talk to my teens a lot about purpose and identity. (Or, at least I did before I became pregnant and I formed a one track mind for Mommy-ville.) I have been stripped of my previous purpose and identity. It still exists, but in a much smaller, less significant way. I still have a profession. I still enjoy my relationships with teens. I still write blogs occasionally. I still read books sometimes, have conversations with my husband and shop at Wal Mart. My purpose and identity in life might be confused with being a 30 year old mom, a pastor’s wife, my looks, my checking account balance, the vehicle I drive or a myriad of other things.

The truth is my identity has been given to be uniquely by the unique Creator. My husband shared with me that God says, “I know the plans I have made for you.” The word "plan" there correlates to “invented”. God invented something unique and special for this run-of-the-mill mom.

My true identity might be hidden to most people behind the yellow cleaning gloves, lack of coiffed hair, spit up on my shirt, or slippers that perpetually grace my feet. But I know my true identity. I am unique. God spent time on me personally, starting from the inside out. From day one, he had invented a whole story for me and me only. Even if I fit the profile of 300 million other people, I am my own person with my own story. My power and my life flow from the Creator of the universe. Imagine, he invented something for ME and he also invented things like Earth, flowers, animals, the sun, the moon, DNA, string theory, integers, the way a woman’s body works when she gets pregnant to after the baby is born, thought of everything, planned for everything….He invented me and a story for me.

I am excited to see what the next sentence of my story will be!

P.S. I am sure a bunch of people would label me a "nut" for this post alone! Here's to not being normal!

Mom Blogger Group?

2006-11-30T07:39:00.000-08:00

I wonder if there is some sort of mom blog group? Being a first time mom, I often have questions about if my experiences are falling into the realm of "normal", plus it would be nice to vent and comment on what this is like.

I have turned into the speediest eater ever. I could win a short eating contest, I think. I managed to eat a whole bowl of soup in under 60 seconds yesterday for lunch just so I could nurse on a full stomach instead of sitting with a grumbly tummy during the 10-45 minutes it takes to feed my son.

One thing that has changed since having a son is my blogging. I don't like my style of writing as much. It's not as interesting but I guess it is hard to keep a complicated train of thought that would hold an audience when I have to look at my child every 15 seconds or so to make sure he is beautiful as ever! Plus, about halfway through a post, he tends to get fussy and want to be held. He seems to have a sixth sense to be able to know when I want to do something (eat, take a nap, write, read) and will suddenly get very unsettled and need me for something.

It's funny though. As I mentioned in my previous post, I don't tire of him. It doesn't upset me in the least to be interrupted. He is such a beautiful bundle of skin, bones and soul that I can't help but to be seriously in love.

So if there is some sort of mom blogger group, let me know! I'd be interested in joining the circle! If not, I might have to go search for other new moms and start one!

Being a New Mom

2006-11-22T18:46:00.000-08:00

No one will probably visit since I haven't written in about seven months. Oops! Well, I have a good reason.

I am a mom.

I love it.

My son is a month old as of yesterday.

Here's my thoughts on motherhood:

My life is completely different now. I wake up at 4 am but sit in my PJs until about 1 in the afternoon. I go to bed at 9:30 on a late night. I watch lots of daytime TV, clean the house and of course, attend to Karsten's every whim.

He has a head cold right now. He's "snorty". I have a humidifier on in the living room and one in his room. He has to sleep sitting up (reclined a little bit). I use that blue nose sucker thing to suck his boogers out of his head for him since he can't blow his own nose yet.

Of course, since he is my first child, I had to rush him to the doctor yesterday morning and make sure he didn't have the dreaded "RSV". If you are not a mom of a newborn recently, you probably don't know what "RSV" is. It is not when you are supposed to call to tell a hostess that you will be attending the party. It is when babies get a cold in their lungs. Then they have to go to the hospital.

Jeremy was so concerned about Karsten on Monday night and the dreaded "RSV" that he stayed up and literally watched Karsten until 4 o'clock in the morning to make sure he wasn't having any problems breathing. I took over after that but fell asleep at about 7 in the morning. I am not as good of a parent, I guess.

So what's this motherhood all about besides spit up, dirty diapers, crying and a cute face? It's hard to describe. As much of a challenge and a drastic change as motherhood is, it is completely rewarding for reasons unexplainable. It's the moments when you put your child on the changing table to change yet another poopy diaper and you look at him and your heart melts. It's the little expressions the child has and the way you can read their minds (after a few weeks).

Sometimes at 2:30 in the morning when they are so squirmy they have stuck their foot in the dirtiest part of the diaper once again and you can't fasten the clean one on them because of their excessive movement and all the while they are crying that you try to figure out why you don't just give up and maybe slap them a few times. But there is something protective and patient in a parent's love. As annoying as the loudest scream directly in your ear may be, you just think, "Oh how cute", or "Poor kid". There are only a few moments for self-pity in parenthood and they can't last long.

I don't know why I am writing this except to explain to my former self that she was right- parenthood isn't fun. But even more than that, my former self (who is quickly fading into oblivion) should know that it is all more than worth it. I am already a better person.

The first two weeks were the hardest. I couldn't go grocery shopping, I could hardly walk, I didn't have any extra time to go online, play games, or cook. It was always a choice in my spare moments to take a shower, eat or sleep. If I chose to eat, I would wolf down my food as fast as possible because either I wanted to finish before Karsten woke up again or the time I spent eating was cutting into my precious sleep time. I was so worn down during that time that I would make really stupid mistakes like forgetting to take that center strip off of my pad so the wings could fold down and off I would go with myself and a little bit later I would have a mess. And I didn't even commit that error just once but at least three times.

Of course, there were the crying jags which for me always seemed to happen right about sunset. I would cry because I was sleepy, hungry, wanted to spend time with Jeremy but too tired to carry on a conversation, I was in pain, Karsten woke up again, I spilled water or whatever. My emotional ability to cope was at an all time low.

And yet, Karsten was so small (at 10 pounds) and he didn't really cry but made these squeaking nosies so I called him Squeaker. After the second week, he started yelling and screaming and Squeaker is a thing of the distant past. He is now a month old and 13 pounds of beautiful. Even being sick, he is a really good baby. Now I even get out to go grocery shopping or travel with him to my parent's house in Prescott. It is all very exciting. I can answer the phone, check email and have visitors over without stressing myself out. It's like getting my life back from a short but unforgettable incarceration.

I suppose this is a dim view of motherhood. It's not for the selfish or faint of heart. Those people turn out lost and broken children. Yet if you can give all of yourself without bitterness it truly is the most amazing thing you could ever do.

I Like to Be Called Mama (Not Prego)

2006-04-11T05:33:00.000-07:00

**Warning- this is a self-absorbed post by a pregnant woman all about herself and pregnancy in general.**

One of the interesting things about being pregnant this week is finding myself in a new circle of acceptance with people. Maybe it's just having something in common with them (them beng moms) or maybe its because they now have a new audience for their old stories of when they were pregnant and had newborns.

Regarldess of the reason, it's fun because these are people I never said much to beyond "Hello" and "How are you doing". I'm getting to know them in a new way, and it's kind of a private way but most women go through it so it's not so private because its universal.

The worst thing this week about being pregnant (next to the aches and pains and headaches) is my inability to sleep past 4 am. I despise mornings. Can't really find a good reason for them to exist. No matter how late or early I go to sleep, whether or not I have taken a nap the day before or gone without one for a week, what I eat or don't eat I cannot seem to get any shut eye past 4 o'clock in the morning. And I'm not drinking coffee due to the fact that I am petrified of having a hyper-active colicy baby with indigestive problems because I had to much caffine. I can't take sleeping pills because I can't take any medication. This new life due in six months is apparently very fragile so I must now be sturdy. And being sturdy means that I have to grin and bear my worst bout of headaches without Excedrin, experience shin splints and growing pains in my legs and hips all over again.

The upside is this kickin' metabolism that I haven't had since I was 18. I eat and eat and eat somemore and my stomach is getting bigger, but I'm losing weight everywhere else. To date, I am two pounds lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight. I go see the doctor next Monday and I'm hoping this isn't too big of a deal. I eat so much that I don't know what I could do to gain weight. I mean, for crying aloud, I am taking straight oil for my vitamin E. Forget putting potatoes in it and calling it french fries, it's just straight oil. (Not vegetable oil but still not pleasant.) I go to a holisitic doctor and the oil is supposed to help with my itching and dried out nose. Also, as my stomach protrudes more I am hoping it aids in skin elasticity for minimal stretch marks. (Did you know that only 10% of women DO NOT get stretch marks? My mom was one so I'm hoping to follow suit.) And lastly, there's the pleasant subject of the perinium tearing and I'm hoping (really, really hoping) that doesn't happen either.

So this is pregnancy. I might have told you the most fun part (besides having new friends in the secret "Been There Done That (Pregnancy) Society" I didn't know existed as a non-pregnant woman) is registering for gifts. I can't resist looking at a million and one things manufacturers make for babies and new moms. It's shopping, people but on a whole new level. I realize that I am going to have to cut corners in my budget now. I might actually have to pull weeds instead of paying a company to come and spray them. I already found a suit for a little boy (like 6 months) that costs $70 and the kid will grow so fast I'll be lucky if I would get 2 uses out of it. So I'm already having to tell myself that I'm gonna hafta have a wee bit of self control if I don't want to go bankrupt in the first year of the child's life.

I guess that's one thing I had a bit more together in my life before I have a child, my finances. My grandma said, "If you waited until you had enough money to have a child, you would never have a child." That might be true, but I still would be more comfortable if I knew that I didn't have to control my spending when looking at baby stuff. I mean, I watched E! (the channel) and the celebrity baby bonanza that is happening in Hollywood right now and they have no problem dropping $200 on a stupid shirt I could probably find at WalMart. Does money grow on trees at the Emmys or something? Do they secretly have money trees in the green room there?

I realize I am rambling and this post is too long to keep anyone's interest but it's amazing how much I have on my mind lately. That's the best part of blogging, siphoning off some of these thoughts that swirl madly in my head.

Oh, and I have to go get a form for a tax filing extension today. Boo for taxes!

I'm Due

2006-04-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, right? You're not even sure why you clicked to come see my link because you were pretty sure there would be nothing new here, correct?

I don't blame you. I've been missing for almost...what...2 months? Well, I promise I have the best excuse ever. (Not that I really need one for blogland anyway.)

I'm 13 weeks pregnant.

So the last two months I have spent barely able to do what I am supposed to do in my life. It was a struggle to get out of bed, pretend like I wasn't sick and proceed to complete everything I am supposed to do as a modern day woman. For a while, I was wishing I could live in the times of "Gone with the Wind" when it was improper for a woman to do anything while pregnant. Ah! Those would be the days. Unless you were like Scarlett and had to get out to run the sawmill. However, that would not have been me. I would've gratefully accepted the bed rest and pampering.

For those of you who have never been pregnant or never will be- the people who tell you that they love being pregnant are lying. Well, I assume they are because my whole body revolted against me. I had no control. I was miserable for a while. I was constantly either tired, hungry or sick or maybe all three at once. Everyone wants to know if I am excited. Sure, in some respects but for the most part, I don't want to think about or talk about being pregnant because if I ignore it, I feel better! So quit asking, please. Am I looking forward to squeezing out a head and shoulders out of my cooter? Not really. I don't like pain per se. Am I looking forward to be dazed with a lack of sleep for the next year after my child is born? Worrying about crummies and germs like I am an OCD patient? I am not looking forward to figuring out how to get out of debt or rearranging my house and selling a bunch of my stuff to make room for a baby.

But there are a lot of things I am looking forward to. Like my husband getting to be a dad. I am probably most looking forward to seeing my baby's eyes for the first time for some reason. I am excited to find out what kind of personality the kid is going to have and what things in life they decide to put their heart and mind to doing. I have already started to register for stuff like diaper bags and breast pumps. It's amazing how much some of this crap costs. For plastic and rubber suction machine, we're talking $250. What kind of crap is that? But the shopping is already fun. No names are picked out yet. It's hard to think of names for a kid when I still can't quite imagine the fetus as a real child. I think I will do better once I find out if I am having a boy or girl. (Oh yes, I am a find out kind of person. I can't even wait until Christmas Day to open presents.) When I find out if the person arriving in October is a boy or girl, I think I can imagine them as a person with a personality and ergo a name. Then I can start decorating the room and picking out baby stuff accordingly. My grandma already sent me the cutest bibs. I can't believe an actual person is going to be wearing them. They are so small. The neck opening is only about the size of my upper arm. Craziness!

Now I am feeling much better. I'm at the tail end of the first trimester, so the sickness has abated. (Thank God!) Last weekend was the big gala of concerts, skateboarding, giving away a free car and all over funness. It went off perfectly. Couldn't have asked for better.

So now I am trying to figure out if I should go take a nap or clean the house. The weather is perfect, the birds are chirping their little heads off and everything in the world seems to be pretty close to perfect.

Imagine This

2006-02-22T21:18:00.000-08:00

Maybe I am busy.

So what? Is that so wrong? Too busy to blog?

Part of the problem is that deep down I'm boring so after a year of blogging, I have nothing new to say. It's weird because I could be someone completely different here than in my real life because no one from real life reads this thing. The problem is a lack of imagination, I guess. I blame it on MTV, video games and sugar. I had a good imagination when I was a kid.

Maybe lack of imagination is just safer. Imgination could be dangerous. If I imagined myself as a rich multi-millionaire who went to Maui all the time I might get frustrated with my life. As a kid, you fantasize to make your life more exciting. Walking the dog isn't all that cool. Taking your dog to through the Land of Oz is much cooler. Cows become enemies. Trees become soliders.

As an adult, I guess imagination would just show us that life is always going to be lacking. We will never really get to a place where we are 100% happy with the way things are. There are always bills to be paid, weather to tolerate (yes, even in AZ) white pasty legs to tan, brains to inebriate, things to learn, savings accounts to pad, Brad Pitts to get to know.....and we're never gonna get there.

Dont' call me a hater. Don't say I am negative. In fact, I am a very positive person. But I'm a realist. The lotto just doesn't pay enought anymore.

Hope

2006-02-13T05:32:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 5:30 this morning. Don't ask me why. For most people, I suppose that's not too early. For me, it's way too early. It's an hour since I woke up and still dark. It will be dark for a little bit over another hour. I dislike waking up to darkness. Makes me feel like maybe it's still 3 o'clock in the morning. (For those of you who know me, I'm a sunshine baby.)

What does a person with no kids do so early in the morning? I do laundry, website maintenance, check myspace messages and write something to you all. Oh, and have yogurt.

I have a new obsession in life. It's called Organized Chaos and it's happening on April 1st.

No, this is not a planned April Fool Joke with weapons of mass destruction. It's an all day concert event in my town with 8 bands from all over Arizona playing, a live DJ, skateboarding ramps and rails, raffle, games like sumo suits, bungee races, a 2-story slide and jousting. We might even throw in a rock climbing wall for good measure.

So my new obsession is quite a fun thing to do. Right now the thing I am most concerned with is raising the money for the event. $5,000 should do it. I have $500 so far.

So what to do? Well, this girl put a call in the form of an e-mail out to everyone involved and supporting it to let them know they need to get off their duffers and start asking the local business community for money.

The event is geared towards teens all over the community. We have several youth groups, community based organizations and government organizations geared towards helping teens that are going to be there to hang out and meet some teens.

I know I have written this before, but our small community has a high rate of meth use, teenage pregnancies, high school dropouts, domestic violence and so forth. I guess this is the first drop in the bucket toward starting to show a unified front around here that we are going to do something about it!

My biggest dream is simply to see the teenage culture in this area completely revolutionized. I want the society illnesses to be the exception and no longer the normal rule. The local high school tends to handle the issues in the negative. I think teens need hope. They need a reason. They need to be told who they can become. They need to know the power an uniqueness of being a teenager. They need to know a lot of things. They mostly need hope.

So I know it is weird to think of hope being packaged in an all day concert event with loud music, skateboarders, rebellious teenagers and silly games. But I hope it sparks hope in a lot of them. Hope that what they won't get at school and in many cases won't get at school can be found in people they don't even know lending a hand, putting their hearts out there to help them realize their full potential.

My Life Laid Out

2006-02-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

Maybe I am glad that my life is undramatic. I am not a highly emotional person. I do cry sometimes without much provocation. I get the giggles without much humor sometimes, too.

My weeks are pretty much the same. I am married. I have two dogs. I have a house, a car and the bills that go with them. My mail goes to a PO Box. My drycleaner is the cheapest in town. I pick up pre-made chicken cordoun blue for dinner when I am too tired to cook and burnt out on pizza. My car is usually dusty on the outside because everytime I get it washed, it rains. My habits act as if I have more money than I do. I would rather hire people to take care of the weeds, cut my dogs nails, clean the house than do it myself. I am in hyper-drive and I've been this way for a long time. I consider it cheating to eat cookies, french fries or non-diet soda.

Relationships are the most important thing in my life. I could probably make more money than I do. I could find more time to pull my own weeds, clean my own house and wash my own car if I didn't make so much time available to people.

I don't wake up early in the morning. My typical wake up time is between 8 and 9 in the morning. This also makes me feel guilty, but I usually have evening engagements that make me unable to get home before 9 pm and by the time I unwind it's about 11 or 12.

I spend a lot of time worrying about things I shouldn't. My mind is a steel trap in some ways. When I have a list of things to do, I have a hard time letting something go until I can completely cross it off of my mental list as done. Therefore, I tend to feel like I am pestering people and taking on too much responsibility. I should let people handle what their job is.

Then sometimes I get overwhelmed by everything and I end up shutting down totally. I take a day off for no reason and spend most of the day watching my Friends DVDs in bed and eating chips and salsa or string cheese. This happens about once every other week.

I spend the majority of my time either working at my profession or working on my passion. As the past year has rolled by, my passion in working with teenagers has grown. I have increased my energy and time spent with them. Jeremy and I are planning more and more things to help build a basis for a huge amount of growth. We want to establish a steady program to meet most of the teenage sub-cultures and issues. We want to be able to have after school tutoring to a crisis hotline to kickin' events like our all day concert. Our passion is to see them change. We live in a small community that is overrun with meth use, domestic violence, poverty, teenage pregnancies, crime and a high drop out rate.

Yet even with our current meager resources, we have seen an impact on some individual lives. We know that if we weren't here doing what we are doing, they would be different people without much going for them. As it is, they still struggle and get into trouble but they are managing to be better people than their circumstances are dictating.

Today I am finally taking down the Christmas lights from the roof line, replacing light bulbs that have been burnt out for six months and I'm gonna clean the house. We used to have a set meeting in place on Saturday nights. This is the first Saturday without it. I feel free. It's the only day a week that I now have unaccounted for. So it's 11:22 and I'm still in my PJs. I gotta go change and go to Home Depot.

La-La-La

2006-02-03T19:02:00.001-08:00

Well, it's good to be "back". I will be MIA again as I am going to another conference. Jeremy's not going so I am trying to figure out if I should just make up an excuse as to why I can't go. (Jeremy would be my husband.)

I have been thinking about learning a new language or taking some random course at the community college. I love to learn. I could have been a student for life if it paid anything, but alas, the colleges expect me to pay them. My mom has a Masters Degree and my dad a Doctorate. My oldest brother is finishing his degree in Math. Talk about some crazy ass classes! He gives me the problems he's supposed to know how to solve and all I can say is "Huh"? But he has 2 semesters left so that's pretty cool for him. He's gonna make good money when he's done.

Oh, the other thing new in my life is that my little brother and sister in law have found out that they are having a boy. She's due in May. So in addition to my three nieces, I will now have a nephew.

We are thinking about having J quit his regular job to pursue his passion which doesn't pay anything and there is really no way to make it pay. Should be interesting. Thank God I'm in a profession where the sky is the limit on the pay for the most part. We haven't decided yet what to do about him quitting. It would be a stretch.

Okay, no ending to this rambling.

La-La-La

2006-02-03T19:02:00.000-08:00

Aren't You Glad You Read This?

2006-02-02T19:55:00.000-08:00

Hello! Did you miss me? I missed you. Deeply.

I guess I haven't had much to vent lately because I haven't been writing.

I am working with my doctor to lose weight. I am at the point where I am completely unhappy and thinking that I would rather not look like I do. Well, I mean, my body anyways. My face is beautiful as ever. :) Too many pieces of fudge over the holidays, I suspect.

So I am juicing. That means I put vegetables and a little bit of fruit into a thing that takes all the juice out of them and I drink it. So now I'm getting about a weeks worth of veggies twice a day.

She had me start taking new supplements, too. However, she told me to take 4 pills twice a day. So I did. I threw up magnificently! Called the doctor. Oops- she forgot to mention I have to ease my way into it and take one twice a day and work myself up.

Oh, and too much beet juice makes my poop really red.

Dreamer

2006-01-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

I know- Long time no see. I travelled a lot until about 2 weeks ago and then I had lots of work and sleeping to do.

Now I am working on planning this huge event on April 1st which involves 8 bands, a skateboarding half pipe, games like sumo wrestling, jousting and other fun things (or so I'm told), raffle giveaways like PSPs, iPods, computers, a car....all sorts of stuff.

Plus, believe it or not, it is time to also start focusing on the week long camp for the teens in June. So much to do. Plus, this year I am planning on working my tail off and paying off my debt and buying the perfect piece of land to build my perfect house on.

2006 is full of ambition and big dreams. What's 2006 hold for you?

Christmas Pictures

2005-12-27T21:07:00.000-08:00

Um...okay. Here are some pics. Please still talk to me after you see them. Thanks!

I think I should take off the last pic because I am cracking up and you can see a second chin. Cripes! But, oh well. I'll be brave. It's not the best pic of me, but it shows the fun we had.

It's a Merry Christmas

2005-12-26T21:50:00.000-08:00

I had a really fun Christmas this year.

Last year was a bit...strained. It's water under the bridge now, so I will refrain from rehashing all the unpleasant details.

This year we went down to the in-laws house on Christmas Eve and stayed the night. I only slept between 4 am and 6 am because the dogs were so wound up, they wouldn't lay down and be still and I am a light sleeper. I woke up thinking the lack of sleep could spell trouble because when I get tired, I am often cranky. Surprisingly, I think I might be growing out of that trait. Jeremy's dad made me oatmeal and coffee for breakfast. The dogs got banned to the backyard. Jeremy, me and his parents all hung out until about 9 am when Jeremy took the karoke machine, put in a Mexican polka CD, cranked it as loud as possible, opened the door to the room where his sisters were sleeping and pressed PLAY.

You may think that is really mean, but it was simply a pay back for 2 years ago when Jeremy got the same wake-up treatment, just with a different song. Jeremy donned a Mexican blanket and sombrero and danced in the hallway until the girls came out.

We didn't start opening presents until 10:30 or so because the girls wanted to get dressed to the nines for a picture of the family that mom wanted for about a year. Being in the festive Christmas mood, everyone decided to give her what she wanted. So now we have a family picture for my husband's family.

I shall post some of these pictures later.

Present opening took two and a half hours. For one, Jeremy is the king of slow unrapping. When it was pointed out to him, he felt the need to go even slower. Plus, there were gobs of gifts. Everyone had about 20 gifts. The mom had 28. So it took a while. We all are required to ooh and ahhh over the gift that has been opened before proceeding to the next unwrapping. I got lots of stuff: a candle, picture frames, belts, earrings, Friends DVDs, coffee accessories, a creme brulee set (the torch in it is very cool), video editing software, and more.

It was so nice out (about 65 degrees) that I gave the dogs a bath because they smelled like poop and the ride down was not pleasant. So the dogs got a Christmas bath. We went to Walgreens and had some of the pictures developed.

It was probably the first Christmas that I really felt like a family member with my husband's family. I had fun, I felt relaxed, I was myself. It was a good time!

On Friday night, Jeremy and I opened presents together. He got me a telescope that is so advanced that I can't even figure out how to use it. Hahaha. I also got jewelry, chocolate, elephant sculpture (I kinda collect them) and some other stuff from him. I gave him a whole bunch of stuff, including a book "Karma Sutra". It's actually funny if you read the book. Gentlemen should wake up, take a bath, clean their armpits and spend the morning watching fowl, cocks or bulls fight then have lunch, take a nap and then party with their friends into the night. LOL.

Blog Awards

2005-12-18T16:34:00.000-08:00

I was reading Sex's site where she applauds people who write blogs just to write blogs. So I thought it was interesting to think of the people I read and see how they have changed over the past year or so. It's been fun to get to know people. So I thought I would share some thoughts and spotlight my regular reads.

The first person who pops into my head is That Girl. Over the last year, I think she has changed the most. I see her leaving a lot of the past behind and with Krypto, having something she thought might very well not exist in the universe.

Greg is probably my favorite read. Don't throw tomatoes for not being my favorite read. I just never know what to expect from him. He manages to insult everyone and deny everything but I appreciate people who are just themselves. Because he is so diverse in what he writes: humor, theology (or lack thereof), drunken satire, etc, it is always fun to click on his link and hope he has written something new.

Martinilove is great for a lightheartedness. It's kind of like Sex in the City meets Friends meets Wonder Years.

My first blog love is Jake. His perspective on everyday life of a 20 year old is hillarious! Plus he gets deep and tells lies so you just never know where he might be coming from. The best blogs he does are when he has his attention fixed on the opposite sex. Or when he is fleeing bees.

The funniest man out there is hands down Bugsbutt. If you aren't reading his blog, you are doing yourself a serious injustice. Agree with his opinions or not, you will laugh. YOU WILL LAUGH!!

Dan is the mellow man of my blog read group. He has opinions, especially where music is concerned, but he rarely gets ruffled.

The most sensitive award goes to VegasGustan who tries to figure out his place in a town he doesn't really like, in a job he doesn't care for and in a fairly new marriage. It's good times at his place. He likes to talk about music, poetry and the injustices of life.

Eric gives the best perspective on life from a dad seeing life from the perspective of his kid. He's also funny and original. His funny is usually family jokes funny. His orginality is in a innocence of life because he gets to revisit a lot of things with his son.

Jasmine makes me feel sophisticated just for reading her blog. She is New York in a way you think exists only on the TV. In fact, I think her version of NY would give TV shows that try to glam up NY a run for their money. Oh, and I love her bluntness.

I used to love Luke, but he stopped commenting on my site. So he officially gets the "You suck" award. The only problem is that Luke is too nice of a guy and too well rounded to give the "You suck" award to. We couldn't even give Luke the "I Suck" award because he might blush.

When I think of Pete I think: roughneck construction lovin, big truck driving, testosterony guy who hates fat girls, gay men and doesn't mind cheap beer.

Blue probably is the bluest guy out there. He works on computers and is puzzling out love and life, but in a nice guy way which makes it sad.

DJ Shane writes a good blog. I like that he always ends everything with a question so you have a reason to comment.

And the genesis of this all, over at Sex's site: I like that she is so deep I comment on less than half of her blogs because I have no idea what to say without sounding trite or stupid.

Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year!

Silent Night? Yeah Right.

2005-12-13T21:24:00.000-08:00

Just writing today to let off steam and let my brain settle down. It has been a crazy couple of days. Business was supposed to have tapered off long ago. Instead, I am busy as ever, writing multiple contracts a day, meeting with client after client, hopping from meeting to meeting, faxing, answering the incessant ring of my cell phone, balancing deals, keeping 'em together, making 'em happen.

I love it.

It's like Boiler Room or Wall Street. Only I don't use that much gel or swearing. Plus, I get all I want by actually just being good at what I do and not a crook. But I love movies like that. They get me all wound up. I don't think I will ever have a chauffer though. That's just stupid. A maid, a cook and a nanny? Sure thing! Maybe rolled into one. I could name her Consuela or Heidi.

Due to the lack of time in my schedule, it appears my husband and I will have no Christmas tree this year. We have too many nights out due to work parties and other holiday parties along with the usual rounds to have a night after work to pick up a tree and decorate it. I have 18 pretty Christmas cards on my countertop that might not go out until next year.

I bought a hundred Happy New Year's card for 2005. I sent out about 20. I am always way more ambitious to be Martha Stewart-like in my mind than I am in practice. Although I am quite the Christmas present wrapper. I have one sister in law left to shop for. My mom's present is on the way. I ordered a lamp for her. She likes the one that she gave me for my birthday last year. Every time she comes over, she comments that she should have kept if for herself. They don't make that particular lamp anymore, so I ordered the same one but it doesn't have an elephant on it.

And that is my life for now.

How is your holiday season shaping up? Do I dare ask?

A Poem

2005-12-11T05:21:00.000-08:00

Yes.

I'm so mad I could write a poem.
But I won't.
Because that would suck.

Sunny

2005-12-10T15:16:00.000-08:00

I walked into my parents house and I was crying within 30 seconds. There has been an unexpected death in the family. My mom's parrot died.

Don't laugh. The parrot gave me kisses, called my mom "mom", laughed when the rest of us did (and sometimes he seemed to get jokes before the rest of us and laugh first), made a long list of noises and words. He had his own personalities, likes and dislikes and was much more personable than a dog or cat. Parrots are said to have the emotional and mental capabilities of a 3 year old. So the little animal that acted like a three year old died.

Parrots are supposed to live to be like 90 or something. He got a virus and died at 4. I loved him. The only bird ever that I wasn't terrified of. I was still wary of his beak, but the little goober loved me so he was always nice and only nipped me once. I was the only one he would give kisses to.

So I cried because there are no more noises and words and fun quirky things that only Sunny did. He's dead. I don't think I will ever like another bird because I am pretty sure no other bird will like me. I'm too scared of them. The funny thing about Sunny is that he pretty much only like me, my mom and my husband. Oh, and kids. He liked to laugh when kids were romping about.

When Did I Become Responsible?

2005-12-06T00:33:00.000-08:00

Part of who I am bugs me. I wish I could just cut it out and leave it somewhere.

I feel responsible for my surroundings. It usually works in my favor. I think it is a driving force that enables me to work with teens. I don't enter into a situation thinking that there is nothing that can be done. I don't walk away from seemingly hopeless circumstances without doing my best to help. I try to always keep a sense of balance and not get controlling.

This sense of responsibility comes out even during this time when we have a cast of almost 300 people and at the end of the night there is trash everywhere. I picked up a lot of the trash, cleaned off tables, put stuff away. And none of it was mine, not even a sugar wrapper. But I felt responsible that the whole room was a raging mess. I feel responsible when people aren't where they are supposed to be. I feel responsible when people are being loud and they shouldn't be. I feel responsible when people say mean things they shouldn't say.

I don't feel like I should do something to make them stop or to force people to change their habits or force decisions upon them. However, I do get tense, I try to help, I try to make things be as they should. I have this idealistic outlook on life.

So I am really frustrated because I wish I couldn't not care if people are being jackasses but I do. I have a scene at the end of the production with about 8 other adults and 2 of them will not be quiet when they are supposed to and they look at me like I am crazy or funny when I ask them to be quiet. I am so frustrated right now. I wish I could just not care, but that doesn't seem to work. I still care. We have worked hard and they just don't respect that for 60 seconds they are supposed to not say anything while we are waiting backstage and someone has a solo. I don't know. Long rant for something so stupid, but do adults have to behave like they are three? Why do they have to be obnoxious the only time they are really required to be still? AaaaAAAaaaaaa

Does anyone else have personality quirks they wished they could get rid of? What are they?

Tis the Season

2005-12-02T13:39:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to go Christmas shopping this year. Just not in the mood. Usually, I am mostly done with all my Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving. I am not sure if I didn't want to because we haven't had much money this year anyway or if it was due to the fact that I have been so busy.

Yesterday I sat at home until 1 pm. I got bored. I ordered sweaters, PJs and lotions for the females in my life from the Victoria Secret catalogue. Apparently, spending $200 was motivation enough to finish. I am now done with everyone except my husband, my dad, his dad and my oldest brother. Even my cousins are all taken care of!

Tonight is opening night for the 3 hour Christmas Production Spectacular! We have six shows. Quite exciting! I play the drunk English woman. I am having a blast! I have a lot of friends and family coming to watch over the next few days. I am really excited. Yes, the Christmas caroles get stuck in my head and prevent any normal sleeping but it's worth it.

Really, All I Want to Do

2005-11-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

All I want to do is to go to sleep. I went to bed at 10. I don't have to be up until 7:30, so I was quite excited to get over 9 hours of sleep because I have been so erratic in my sleeping patterns that I always seem tired.

10:00 pm I laid down.
10:02 I got hiccups. They hurt.
10:12 Hiccups went away.
10:14 I had to go pee really bad.
10:17 Gave in, got up and went pee
10:18 Christmas songs stuck in my head that blends too easily with my thoughts. "Ding Dong Ding Dong, Merry Merry Christmas. Ding Dong Ding Dong, why can't I just fall asleep?"
10:22 Had to go pee again. Just got up and went
10:23 Told myself that I wouldn't go pee until morning.
10:29 Went pee again.
10:30 Went to bed again.
10:32 My mind is still serenading me.
10:35 Got up. Went pee.
10:37 Took pills guaranteed to make me sleepy.
10:38 Logged into myspace.
11:40 Got tired of myspace, logged in here.
11:43 Decided I needed to post a new blog
11:49 Posted this pile of rubbish.

TKO?

2005-11-21T09:45:00.000-08:00

I was mad at my husband. I posted something up here on Saturday morning but took it down Saturday night. I could take it down because it turned out I was right so I didn't need confirmation out here in blogland. But boy oh boy did you miss a juicy blog!

The thing is that J and I think alike so we rarely get mad at each other because we just understand one another so well. We know each other's motives, ideas and driving causes. Friday night I got mad at him but I could see his point so I tried to stuff it.

I had an anger problem quite some time ago. I would never, ever think something through if I thought an injustice had been done to me. When Jeremy and I were first dating, I had already passed this issue of mine in life. I did not know how to process problems anymore because I wouldn't just blow up and dismember everything around me. So he was very, very patient with me. He was actually the one in our relationship who was good at communication and helped me along. If I were at a School of Communication back when we were dating, I would have had to ride the short bus and wear a helmet at all times. We have some funny stories from those days.

And to this day, I still have a hard time processing my feelings, particularly when they are unpleasant and doubly so where J is concerned. So Friday night we had a discussion about what ultimately pissed me off. I was trying to gather all the facts before I made a decision about if I was really mad or not. But his answers were half-truths and I knew it. Saturday night I asked him if he told the whole truth or part of it. He came around to saying he had admitted only part of the truth. So he got a tongue lashing again, but nothing severe. I just told him he was a lousy liar, especially with me because I know him way to well, I am logical and when things don't make sense, my bullshit meter goes off. Plus, women have that weapon that is the undoing of all mankind- woman's intuition.

I still didn't go off on him. I still wasn't sure where I stood on the situation. I understood too well why he did what he did. But it was one statement that stuck out that rubbed me the wrong way. I woke up Sunday pissed off. When I get mad at someone, I can't really look at them. Luckily, he was out of the door before I got out of bed. When we got home, I told him I hoped this was the last conversation we had about the whole situation but I had to say something. So I said what I needed to say. No yelling. No fanfare. No tears. No throwing stuff. When I was done stating my case very briefly, that was it. He apologized. We were done. I was over the whole thing about 2 mintues later.

And that is how we fight.

#204

2005-11-16T22:16:00.000-08:00

This is post number two-hundred and four. Aren't you excited? I can see the tension mounting in your face as you read this, hanging on to my every word. Word. Word. Every word.

The other day I called a friend to give her tickets to this production I am going to be in. I am playing a drunk English woman. People ask me if I do the accent and everything and I say, "Yes, but I am drunk so it doesn't have to be very good." Which is good because I probably sound more like a mix of Irish and Australian than British.

When I called my friend to offer the tickets, she started crying. Her husband had moved out of the house and she was going to move back to Florida. She didn't know how to tell her son. She was in tears.

I called today (with several prayers in between). She's doing okay now. Last night her and her husband talked. They seem to think they have nothing in common. He's having problems with paying the bills and she stays at home and there are stinky wash towels in the sink and cobwebs on the ceiling so I guess he got pissed and couldn't take it anymore and moved out. But I guess he realized that even more than not being able to take stinky towels and cobwebs was not being able to take her not being around.

So they are trying to work it out. I hung out there for a few hours today. There were some tense moments. She was clearly teasing him at times and he was taking it all so seriously. She is going to get a part-time job and go to school to be a dental assistant. He's gonna try to make dinner. I don't know. I think it should work. Something about those two tell me they should be together as difficult as it is. There is no communication skills between them and they are having a hard time finding common ground. When is mutual love not common ground enough?

Pillow Fight!

2005-11-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

I did it again. I declined going out on Friday night. I got a call from Ellie- all the girls were getting together for a girl's night out. You know- the famed events where men think of women getting trashed and making out with each other after a long pillow fight.

Really, it is usually women talking about one of two things:
1. Why good single men are impossible to find.
2. Why good single men are impossible to find.

If there are enough married women there, we talk about anything but men for the most part.

Saturday night I did go out. I went out with a bunch of teenagers. I wasn't going to because I am old in a teenage world. But they insisted. (No, not so I could buy them beer.) If you have been reading the blog for any amount of time, you might remember the kid that makes me sad because he kicked his meth habit and still couldn't get any respect. Anyway, that kid was in town for a visit. He's been clean! He looks really good. It's a weird thing because as my readers know, I get very attached to these teens. So he's back for a visit and I just want to put him in my back pocket and keep him from harm and heartbreak but I can't. I also can't just wear my heart on my sleeve. So I have to stifle emotion because how akward would that be? Not just with this teen, but with all of them. I don't know if it is unhealthy to get so attached. I'm not sure. I know it makes me fairly decent at working with them. It hasn't been an issue that I have seen to get in the way or warp my point of view in dealing with them.

So it's hard because I wanted to cry and get snot all over him when I had to say goodbye after a great game of bowling with a bunch of the knuckle-heads. But instead, I gave him a hug and told him to come back really, really soon.

It's All True

2005-11-08T19:04:00.000-08:00

Once a week, everyone in my area in my profession get together to have a meeting. It's a quick meeting to say what's new, inform each other of events or remind of policy.

This morning we had that meeting. During the meeting, there was a question: Are there any community announcements?

One lady stands up and says this:

"I believe it is appropriate in a setting like this to talk about what we are thankful for. It is almost Thanksgiving. So here where we all stand up and say the Pledge of Allegiance at the meeting, I would like to take a moment to reflect upon the pilgrims. I would like to honor their bravery for leaving a country to start something new. I am not big on history, but I think they left for religious freedom. They were being oppressed by religion. I am thankful for a country with free speech. (Suddenly, I saw how free speech could backfire.) We should be thankful for this land. I believe that we should all be tolerant of people who are different than ourselves. I think that we need to push the separation of church and state."

Um....someone forgot to take her medication. She stood up to tell everyone to reflect on the pilgrims. I had women in black dresses and big white collars pop into my head. This woman is one of only 80 people who are against saying the Pledge of Allegiance when we get together in the morning. I don't know. It was just bizzare. But everytime she popped into my mind today, I died in a fit of giggles.

She got scattered applause when she sat down. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or to say my own speech on what I believe in. (Now that I have one from my last post.)

I Don't Want to Offend

2005-11-07T09:04:00.000-08:00

I am not sure I have anything to say. I just sat down to type. I could tell you everything I am going to do today, but that's kind of boring, no?

I would share my views on politics but I don't have many. I don't watch enough TV or read enough newspapers or specialized newsletters to be informed. I do know that common sense tells me that the fabric of what America was is being steadily frayed by all these special interest groups and the inability to be honest because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I think taxes should be almost completely eliminated. I'm about ready to go have my own Tea Party. Taxes are oppressing, especially being self-employed. Speaking of employment, I believe that everyone should have to work. If they aren't working, why should the people have to support them? I suppose that is politics, huh?

I think we should take care of the world we live in a lot better but I also think that scare tactics from environmentalists are silly. I think people tend to resist even more when the person or entity trying to create change seems so radical and out there.

I believe that it is silly to stop 80 year old women at the airport to search her handbag for nail clippers. I believe it is silly not to have profiling. If one demographic is committing 99% of the crime, I think we should spend 99% of our efforts on understanding and watching that demographic.

I believe that gay people should have the right to be gay. (Please just don't make out in front of me, it gives me the willies.)

I believe that we should leave room for everyone to be themselves, but not to expect the population to change to accomodate the newcomers. They came here. I do not believe in free healthcare to non-citizens. I don't get free healthcare and I live here and pay the damn taxes. I also don't believe in free healthcare for people who aren't working that are able to work if they would REALLY go and try to find a job, even if it is a clerk at Circle K or flipping burgers at McDonalds.

I believe our system is all wrong in processing drug addictions. You can't make someone quit. You can send them to rehab but unless they checked themselves in, they are just there to make the judge happy so they can go home and light the match and smoke crack again.

I think child molesters should be chemically castrated. They are predators and that's how their mind works. I think registering them was a step in the right direction.

I think jail is also pretty stupid for the majority of people. There should be a better punishment. Jail just puts all the criminals together so they can hang out and get better ideas of how to be criminals when they get out. Put an innocent person in there and they will come out warped.

Above all, I believe in God. I believe that God loves every human being ever created. I believe God made a way through Jesus to have a relationship with everyone. I believe Christianity would not exist without Israel. I believe in "One Nation Under God" but I think I am going to be the minority before too long. (When I become a minority can I start suing?)

So, I guess I do have a few opinions. Who knew?

You're One Pathetic Loser- No Offense

2005-11-04T16:37:00.000-08:00

None taken because I am talking about myself. It's Friday night. I had an invitation to go out with a bunch of friends to go watch a movie. I decided I would rather stay at home and read a book.

When did this happen? Is this 29? Is this marriage? Or is this just the end of a long week? I am not sure. My husband is going to be watching basketball tonight. I went to WalMart. Michael Crichton has a new book. Or at least, one I haven't read yet.

Here's to Friday nights! *cheers*

I guess I know that tomorrow we are going to Phoenix to reunite with a BUNCH of old college friends. Maybe I subconsciously know that I will need all the energy I can spare for tomorrow night. Yeah, I'll tell myself that!

Happy Halloween

2005-10-31T18:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween!!!!!!!!

I love kids dressed up, all jazzed to get high on sugar. I especially love it when they are so young they can't say Trick or Treat, they say, "Twick or Tweet".

Something about October. I love this month. I think I love it because in Arizona, this is when the weather is perfect. It stays perfect for a few months. Our winter doesn't really start until January most years. Plus, my birthday is in October so everyone feels obligated to take me to lunch or dinner, get me cards or buy me presents. Or if they don't, they feel obligated to say sorry for not attending to such things.

I just feel content. It's not drunken contentment, either. Earlier this month I was stressed. I felt like there was so much going on that I was on a merry-go-round that wouldn't stop, only speed up. I decided to simplify. After throwing my cell phone away, leaving my purse in a different town and forgetting all sorts of basic things, I simplified. I also have gotten better at not feeling guilty for doing everything I thought I should. I turned off the OCD switch. Life is much more enjoyable now.

Plus, I am floored at how much people love me. I don't know why they love me. I get compliments and calls and I dunno.....it's great. I like being loved.

In marriage I have my best friend. It is always a great marriage, but there are times when we seem to be "in love" like when we were dating. It's so much fun when this happens!! :) He's been so good to me. How could I not love him? But sometimes, he is so good to me, I get all butterfly-ie. I dunno. Okay, I made up a word. Have a goulishly good night!

I Stink

2005-10-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

Really. I haven't stepped out of the house since Thursday evening. I have The Crud. It's bad. I lost my voice on Tuesday, but what convinced me I need to rest and get rid of The Crud was The Headache that manifested Thursday afternoon. I was in massive pain. Luckily, I woke up Friday and the headache was gone, but I have watched movies and TV mostly. I did take this whole morning and super-cleaned my house. It was way overdue. I have been so very busy that my house being clean wasn't much of a priority. It does mess with my OCD but sometimes I just have to flip the switch on that and set it aside so I can function and prioritize things that really do matter over dust bunnies and crud in corners.

All the dust bunnies and cruddy corners are dead as of now. I still don't understand why I end up feeling so grimy when I am done cleaning the house though.

Opinions are Like Buttholes

2005-10-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

I tried to be a people pleaser. I grew up with a natural tendency to try to please my family and my peers. Some people are very good people pleasers and everyone seems to be pleased with them. They kiss butt wherever they go, and it seems that they get far in life. They have gobs of friends. They say "yes" to every situation. They change to be like the people they are around.

I tried to be that way. No one liked me growing up. I had no friends for stretches at a time. I was the worst people pleaser ever. Unless I pleased everyone by letting them hate on me. Not wanting to rock the boat, I didn't really say anything to anyone.

It got me in trouble as I got older because I would try to fit in and I would compromise everything I knew to be wrong to have people like me. I ended up with no friends and a very crappy boyfriend.

For a long, long time I tried to figure out why I had no friends. I tried to figure out why my butt kissing didn't work like it did for other people. I could never seem to get it right.

Just before college, I realized that I had enough of my own crap to deal with and I stopped worrying about other people's opinions of me. I changed. I have my own beliefs that aren't superimposed from the outside. I have a real easy time saying "no" to anything that goes beyond my boundaries. I am a generous person, but I have limits now. I rarely seek approval from people, and if I do, it is most likely from my husband.

Sometimes I look around at these groups of women who all compliment each other, hang out and tend to flock. I am not in that group. I probably never will be. I started to wonder why again.

Then it hit me. Quite honestly, my purpose in life is directly opposed to being a people pleaser. I could not accomplish what I know I am supposed to do if I were always looking back at people for my approval as I try to move forward. I know my calling in life. I know what I am supposed to do. I fix broken teenagers. I help give them tools they need to survive. People's opinions aside, I cannot try to please people when I have the responsibility of taking care of people.

So I am a complete odd-ball. I don't fit in with the typical Christian. I live by the standards I think I am called to and don't put on an act to try to live up to other people's standards for me. I don't fit in with other people, either because I don't back down on my beliefs or standards. I am not in anyone's face because I think they need to come to their own conclusions about God, but I also don't change my identity to fit into theirs anymore. I think I am on the road of becoming the weirdest person in my family, and that is going to be hard. The rest of my family seems to play safe in their beliefs. It's not a huge motivator in their life that I can see anyway. Somehow I am ending up being the one to really go after a life that is centered around my beliefs and that means I have to live what I teach and live what I know. That's gonna be hard. I have always lived and talked in a way to make everyone as happy as possible with me. The hardest part is changing away from my family. But I can't look at anyone else to tell me I am doing a good job or to tell me that I am right. Because everyone has their own opinions, and no one knows the direction my life is taking because no one has lived my life before.

Hurricane Amber

2005-10-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

I am not pregnant!

I do have my laptop back. I don't know if any of my virtual Pajamaland Bloggers remember me.

My brain found its way home. I tried to ask it where it had run off to, but it refused to answer. The hamster is back on the wheel. It might be a replacement hamster. You know what a replacement hamster is. It's the hamster parents buy for their kids when their original hamster dies. It has to look pretty close to the previous one as to not be detected. That's what I've got- the aliens stole my brain and replaced it with a look-alike.

I have had really bad hiccups all day. The kind that hurt sometimes. The kind that create hurricanes and earthquakes.

Brain Drain

2005-10-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't been visiting here lately because I still don't have my laptop back from the store so when I get in front of a computer, I have to do necessary stuff and it turns out blogging isn't necessary. Who knew?

I think someone stole my brain. I have been extremely absent-minded lately. Here are a few of the incidents I actually remember.

I couldn't find my cell phone. I called it numerous times. I finally heard faint strains of the tune wafting towards me from outside. So I honed in on the sound and got closer and closer to the side of my house. I had thrown it in a trash bin. Good thing it wasn't trash day!

Yesterday I had to take my house key to my brother's house because I was going to be gone until midnight and someone needed to let the dogs out to do their business. So Jeremy and I are headed out the door and I ask him if he has HIS house key so I can drop MY house key off with my brother. Yes, he does. We drive to my brother's house to drop off my key. I left it at home on the table. Apparently as I was walking out the door, I put my keys away.

Last night we were in Phoenix, about a 2 hour drive from our house to a Southeast suburb where my in-laws live. My mother-in-law was celebrating her 50th birthday. We left the party just after 9. (I had to work early this morning.) About 45 minutes into the drive home, I realize I left my purse (ie. my life) at the in-laws house. They are mailing it back to me.

I haven't been drinking or doing drugs. I am not getting headaches so I doubt it a tumor. I don't have blonde hair. I have always been a bit spacey and prone to one of these antics about once a month, but three in two days? What is wrong with me?

Was I a Weird Kid?

2005-09-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

I kinda feel like I have to sneak my posts in since I am using my husband's computer. He is happily playing baseball on the Playstation right now, so I think I have a few minutes.

I think life is full of choices that make this huge tapestry that our are memories, impressions and thoughts. For example, I remember at the age of seven laying on a grass lawn covered in clover with bees buzzing around. The sun made everything bright and warmed me quite nicely. For some reason, I thought at the age of seven I should remember that moment and never forget. So I still have this moment etched in my mind of my front yard in Texas. I chose to remember. I remember playing in a pool of mud and having deep thoughts at the age of five. I was contemplating God way back then. Whatever conclusions I came to then still shape who I am now. At the age of eight I couldn't figure out the idea of God not having a beginning and an end when everything else around me does, including myself. I had a discussion about that with another friend who was about eight as well. Do most eight year olds talk about this stuff? Do most seven year olds decide they need to remember a moment of contentment laying on the front lawn?

Should the Time Come

2005-09-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well, this is my 193 post here at Confessions.

The 193rd post was going to be put together last Friday but it sounded so stupid. Not that this will be any better.

My laptop is still broken, but it is with someone who is trying to resurrect it. I am making money. I am happy. I am helping people. No one (none that I am aware of) is currently upset with me. My husband is happy. Even my dogs seem content. (I guess that is a big part of being a dog though.)

My younger brother's wife is pregnant. So he's gonna be a daddy. Weird. I really am the last sibling to end up with children. The thing is, my life is so full. I can't think of anything I really want to give up. I know the first thing to go for me would be my work with the teens. I guess I have a hard time thinking about kids of my own when there are so many people already born who need my help. I know that I mean a lot to them. They connect with me. They like having a married couple that functions pretty normally and consistently to be around them. I suppose I could keep that part of my life and give up work, but um...I make more money than the husband. We have already discussed that if I do get pregnant, he gets to be Mr. Mom.

The discussion went like this:

Me: J, I make the money to pay the bills and buy your car/musical/electronic toys. I love my work. You hate your job. If I get pregnant, you get to stay at home, okay?

J: Ok.

I wonder if he will remember that. He wasn't making eye contact, just pushing the buttons on his game controlled with a frenzied motion and rabid determination.

Chicken Little

2005-09-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

After yesterday, I am still watching to see if the sky is going to fall some more.

It was weird, because all day I felt as if I were a soldier in enemy territory who was under attack but I just had this calm and peace. It was bizarre. One thing after another just came my way and I couldn't get out from under it.

The meeting with my client who was upset with me had some volition, but ever hear the saying "mountain out of a molehill"? I wasn't aggressive enough with prospective buyers for her home. I can see how I could be percieved that way.

So, more agressive Amber. Amber on Steroids is my new goal. Should be great!

Murphy's Law?

2005-09-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to even bother to ask if it could get worse.

I spilled a whole glass of water on my laptop while it was open. (Add that to yesterday's post, a mad client and a morning that I accomplished absolutely nothing due to a high amount of drama).

Yet, I'm okay. I wasn't. I wanted to rant and rave and cry and throw stuff. But I'm calm now. I've even managed to make a few calls!

:)

Post script: This is why I won't ask if it can get worse. I do not have a "protection plan" against water on my $1700 laptop that I have not yet paid off.

Wanna Get Away?

2005-09-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

In this part of the country, we have a commercial where someone does something really assinine and the tag line is "Wanna Get Away?" due to a high level of embarassment and shame.

I should be a star in one of those commercials RIGHT NOW.

You will not believe what I just did. It was a classic "I'm a super dumbass" moment.

I talked to the head of the youth group. Remember the teen I told you about earlier this week? Well, he got shipped back to his mom's. I have been emailing him a lot. The head of the youth organization met briefly with this teen's dad today. The dad was upset because he feels like we are believing the wrong things. He thinks we are saying that his dad is wrong, horrible and not a good father. (We are totally for both parents and teens. We constantly tell the teens no matter how bad they think their parents are that they still have to honor and respect them unless they are being abused or something.) So his dad wanted to meet with head of the youth group and the head of the church because he feels he's been done wrong.

So the leader of the youth group asked me to send him the emails I had been sending to the teen just in case the father had read them and saw something in there that made him upset. Sure, no problem. I have nothing to hide!

So I emailed the 10 letters that went back and forth between me and the teen that talked about his situation in detail.

After I got done, I realized I sent them to a distribution list, not the individual person.

Pinch Me

2005-09-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

I am sure I should be doing something else this morning (like working which I have neglected all week long). However, I stayed up until 3 this morning. If you are not married and under 25, that probably seems like no big deal. Even some people who are over 25 and/or married, that's no big deal.

I am in a stupor. First of all, for the past two mornings I have woken up with my stomach rebelling until I eat something. I don't think they are unusual hunger pains, so I will clarify that position. Secondly, the latest I stay up anymore is 1 o'clock in the morning, and that is when I want to stay up for my inner-child who wasn't allowed to stay up past 8:30. I am making up for all of those nights as a child that I was forced to eat my dinner, take my bath and go to bed so I could be refreshed in the morning. Screw refreshed! I want to howl at the moon.

But last night I went to bed late because I was addicted. I realize if I am going to make a habit of this addiction, I might need to start using crack so I can have enough energy to get through the day. Okay, I am kidding. The only reason I would ever do crack is to lose weight. Ever. I have my standards after all.

So what was I doing up until 3 am? Smoking pot? Drinking? Having an orgy? Of course not! This is Confessions of a Christian, not Taxicab Confessions. (Although I did have a night where I told a taxi driver he could make millions if he would just go into real estate sales. Hopefully the speech was too slurred to hear because that's a load of crap. Some months I can hardly pay my bills. But, if you see above, some months I hardly work because I neglect work because I get obsessed and/or addicted, which brings me back to my point.)

I was addicted to making a movie. Once again, Confessions of a Christian, people. Shelly was over and we were setting this footage we have of the teens just going off and dancing to all sorts of different music. I can't wait until it's done. We worked on it for eight hours last night for six minutes of film.

When it's done, I want to post it so you can watch it. You will see why these teens are so awesome. They crack me up. They are totally not afraid to be who they are when parents and authority figures aren't watching! (Well, I do realize I am an authority figure, but of a completely different nature.)

So I am going to go through my day in this fog like state. Should be interesting. I have a tailgate party and high school football game to go to tonight. Woohoo. I will probably fall asleep to the clanging of cowbells.

Melancholy

2005-09-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

Why is life so hard sometimes?
I really wonder.
Why do things have to go down the crapper?
Why can't things be good? Just worked out for good, I guess.

Because in the end it always seems that if you look back you can tell from here why you had to go around the mountain, or up the mountain but at the time you were wondering why the mountain was there at all. In the end, you can figure out what the mountain was all about and what it did in your life and usually, as hard as it was, there is good in it.

2005-09-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an interesting journey.

One of the teens I work with E-mailed me. His dad took him completely off of his medication for bi-polar disorder because his dad doesn't believe in that disease. See, M (the teen) moved here at the end of the summer. His mom shipped him here from elsewhere in the US. He was addicted to meth and had gotten kicked out of school. She didn't know what to do with him.

M started showing up at the end of July. He is a sweet, skinny, punk lookin' guy. Right away, the other teens took him under their wing. Under their tutalage, he has gotten off the drugs and life is looking up. Except for the big mess of a relationship with his dad. Obviously that's not working out too well. He got kicked out of the house last night. Now he doesn't know what to do. Neither do I, all truth be told. I want to jump out of my chair and make some calls and get some co-conspirators so we can keep him here in this town and get him all better.

But that's not really my job, is it? When I see M, I see a regular teen who has so much potential and such a great personality, combined with a spirit that really does want to succeed that I can't help but to be a little broken-hearted. If he goes back to his mom's, the old people and the old habits will be waiting to put their arms around him and lead him off into oblivion. He is at a crossroads. He either will become an eternal junkie who constantly makes bad decisions and will probably repeat his old man's mistakes that were pushed onto him, or he will decide once and for all to give the finger to the world and start living life to take care of himself and start making good decisions for himself.

God, come clean up the mess that is so often our lives.

Nothing Happening

2005-09-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

I do not believe I have any confessions today. I only drove 5 mph over the speed limit, I didn't curse, didn't lie, steal or cheat. See, pretty boring day!

Shirley Mae

2005-09-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

Usually when I sit down to write, I have a vague idea where I might be headed. I don't put a lot of thought my post. I guess many professional bloggers think it is necessary to put hours of forethought into their subject for the greater good of man kind. I'm not like that. Whatever is on my mind, well developed or not, ends up in this space.

So what's on my mind tonight?

The kind of women I admire most. I think the type of woman I would say I admire in a knee-jerk response would be some sort of brazen, loud, stand up for yourself and take on the world kind of a woman. It would be some sort of woman who never backs down and makes sure that everyone knows that she is taking a stand. In my mind, she stands seven feet tall and has long, flaming red hair. She could take on any lumberjack or backstreet thug.

In reality, the women in life I admire the most end up being the "silent partner" type women. They are the women who work behind the scenes, never raising their voice, never drawing attention to themselves. They are always supporting other people in unobtrusive ways usually displayed by some act or type of love. These women don't demand that people mold to their image and their idea of life. In a fight with a man, they would probably lose in the short run.

My mom is this kind of person. So is Shirley Mae. I had to say goodbye to Shirley Mae today. I probably will not see her again in this lifetime. (For clarification, she didn't die.) I have known Shirley Mae for the past three and a half years. I can't readily tell what impact Shirley Mae has had on my life because she is the silent partner type. She holds her own, has grace and dignity and a soft voice. However, the way she works is more through a whisper here, a watchful eye, a soft spoken prayer. She gives and her spirit of generosity is felt rather than seen. She organizes and mobilizes from the sidelines. She was a teacher only by example. She has been married for over 60 years, and got up to dance with her husband today in front of 500 people because the band started playing their song. She has composure even though there is deep emotion in her. She said goodbye. She said it is tough leaving. She said she thought she had said her goodbyes but there is sorrow and sadness in leaving. She has had to leave a lot during her life and even at her age, she is not done so she continues on to be an example in someone else's life. Sometimes the biggest wars in life are won without more than a whisper and watchful eye.

Give Something...anything

2005-09-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

If you haven't been to your local WalMart and seen the donation box, or don't know how to help the Southeastern part of our country, click and go donate. If it's only $5, I am sure every bit will help. Thanks!

Red Cross

Black or white, poor or rich, Democrat or Republican, innocent or criminal......they are in trouble. We need to help.

And if anyone caught the NBC Concert for Hurricane Relief, did you see Kanye West? That man will be the laughing stock of the nation. Does he really think this is a racial issue? Does he think that President Bush has witheld aid because he hates black people? According to him, yes. The press is also at fault for showing the black people as the evil ones and they haven't shown any black people as good people according to Kanye. Weird.

Deleted

2005-09-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

The thing is, I didn't really like my last blog either.

I don't know if it is because I hate thinking about who I was as a teenager. There was so much hurt back then. I didn't feel like a single soul really understood me. I guess maybe that is just part of teenage angst.

My teenage angst turned into teenage anger. Most of my regular readers are under the impression that I care a lot about people. It's true. I think the reason that I care so much is because I used to care so little. I didn't care about my parents, my siblings, my friends or myself. I made destructive choices on purpose. I had a raging temper that I was willing to release on anyone for the slightest of offenses. If I knew there was a rule, I went out of my way to break it.

I suppose that's why I am now so in awe of the teens I know. They stay strong through some really tough times. They are faced with the same crappy situations I was, but they choose a different route. They are truly different and I see such beauty in that. Life is no easier for them, and in fact it is often harder.

My last post that I deleted reminded me of how wasteful I was with that time in my life. I don't have regrets because it definately shaped me into who I am today, but on the other hand, it was so senseless and meaningless. I hurt a lot of people. A lot of people hurt me. There are many people I hope I never see again. There are some people I still miss to this day.

My Space

2005-08-31T09:29:00.000-07:00

WARNING: THIS POST IS LONGER THAN USUAL.

I deleted this post because apparently it was so lame everyone just skipped it and went to the next post and commented just to show how lame it is.

I know I am supposed to blog for self and not change anything due to public opinion, but that's just not my personality.

2005-08-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

So summer must be coming to a close, but there is good news.

Jake, Pete and Kyle are back!

Lovely. (If you don't know who those guys are, check the sidebar for some of the best blogs ever.)

I got the comment again today. Someone wanted to know how long I have been married.

Six and a half years.

"Wow. I thought you were still newlyweds. I thought maybe you had been married a couple of months."

Well, why's that? Why a couple of months? Why newlyweds?

"Because of the stories you tell about him. You sound like you are so in love."

Well, duh. I'm married to him, right? What is marriage without love? People tease him saying that opposites must attract or ask him what he did to marry me. In college we were very much alike. We were best friends.

Things have changed since college. I have to wear suits and look like a million bucks so people will trust me to get my job done. He still wears jeans and T-shirts as often as he can get away with it, which is about 360 days a year.

He is a great musician, athlete and auto guy. I can't run and dribble a ball at the same time. I can't sing or play anything. Everything on a car is a "doohickey" and I think 99% of lowered vehicles are ugly.

Yet we are still best friends. I think because my heritage of family role models is great. My grandparents used to tell me, "Some people think that they have to give 50% in a marriage. Expect to give 110%."

I realize that is mathematically impossible. But somedays when my husband has had a rough day, I have to give more of myself than I want to. Somedays the relationship works because I will it to. Luckily, he subscribes to the same motto. The days that I am being bitchy for no reason he puts up with me. He patiently deals with me. He doesn't patronize or condesend or get angry. He lets me have my addictive quirks to cleaning even at his own discomfort. (Think modes of Monica from friends in the scary obsessive cleaning department.)

The other thing my grandparents told me is that my marriage is like a boxing ring. You have to be in the other person's corner no matter what. You have to be there to back them up. It's the two of us against the world. I never put him down, correct him, or do anything to disrespect him in public. He does the same for me. He sticks up for me to other people even when I am being completely ridiculous and demanding. (It happens.) He would rather lose face or drop a notch in someone else's view than to compromise me and leave me fighting for myself.

I dunno where this all came from. Just to say that my husband serves me the world on a golden platter. What's not to love? Why would I ever wander, stray or begrudge him anything?

Thunder of Life

2005-08-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

Star wrote about innocence. We lose it in simple ways like not understanding how bad it hurts to skin our knees as a kid, especially when the antiseptic spray gets put on. That burn seems like the worst thing that can happen at the age of six.

Greg talked about his burn. He decided to walk across embers. That was a whole new pain.

Pain is in our lives. Sometimes it is self-inflicted from not thinking ahead about wearing our pads when riding a bike or walking across a hot fire. A majority of pain comes from circumstances beyond our control.

It is this pain that often times produces strength and beauty in a someone, or bitterness and lonliness. Rachel lost her brother almost two years ago. He was 17. Rachel is now 16. Thomas lost his little brother who was 3. Thomas is 17. The pain doesn't subside over the years. They learn to cope and deal with life. But when those emotions are brought to the surface, they hurt as if it was yesterday that they suffered the loss.

In their hurt, they are like the legendary Phoenix that rises from the death, ashes and destruction. I watch them time and time again take a stand against the pain. They choose to celebrate life anyway. They choose to continue to have beliefs that can't be shaken even though they are tested. They choose to find sweetness in life and some assurance in the face of death.

This pain robs innocence yet it also brings a purity. When humans face trials in their lives and choose to continue on with grace and dignity, when they choose to rely on God, when they tap a strength they never knew they had, they are suddenly free of circumstances. They know they can deal with just about anything. They know that the worst of life has hit them and they are still standing. It is like the air after a really good thunderstorm. They can inhale, look at the destruction around them and still know they are standing. They are still alive. They are still whole.

Name that Addiction

2005-08-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to home improvement shows, fashion magazines, pedicures, iced tea, organizing just to name a few.

J and I got our line of credit for our house today. I am trying to figure out what improvements I really want to do. I know flooring is #1. The backyard is in SERIOUS need of a facelift. Good thing I am addicted to home improvement shows. I will find lots of ideas to be sure.

Last few days have been stressful. Working with a lady whose personality is like turpentine. Should be taken in small doses...but only in wine. French people, gotta love 'em. (That's all from a Simpson show I saw the other night. I am feeling a wee bit silly right now.)

Good Night, Blogland!

I Need Trading Tips

2005-08-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

My sister left town. As you know (those of you who have been around for a while), she and I are close. Not that kind of close, though.

My little brother and sister in law moved into town.

Not really a fair trade.

I think I might have an addictive personality. I never thought I did but I get addicted to weird things like working and blogging.

Strange.

I Would Apologize, But......

2005-08-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

But you don't care and I don't care that I was gone. So why bother?

I am not sure why exactly I am blogging now except I have some down time and I don't feel like reading, cleaning, watching TV or sleeping.

I checked in on a few of you and I was happy to see that V and Jake had written something new. Maybe when the summer is truly over everyone will be back to blogging with more regularity, I don't know. My life doesn't seem like it is going to slow down anytime soon. It is like a merry-go-round that just keeps spinning faster and faster. I am really finding out what my priorities are though. Housework is always the first thing to fall by the wayside. The dust bunnies blowing through my house are the size of Texas tumbleweeds! If I run out of time or energy, I sacrifice things in my business. I cut corners and ignore the tasks I don't like doing anyway. I do all the things that clients will miss if I don't do them, but the infrastructure stuff like continuing to build my business and find new business just doesn't get done. My attitude towards that? Guilt at first then "Oh well". It seems I compromise very little when it comes to my volunteer work, my spirituality and my marriage. I am trying to do better about staying in touch with real live in the flesh friends (vs. blogger friends) and this summer I have done pretty well with that.

Oh, and my bills are always paid about a week late so every month I seem to pay an extra $100 in late fees. Bastards! (I know, it's my responsiblity and my fault.)

My younger brother and his wife moved in to town. It's been interesting. I haven't really been close to my brother. I don't know how to build a relationship with my sister in law because she's not a friend (in the normal sense of the word) but she doesn't really act like family either. I am really learning something in that new situation!

Bye for now.

No Boundaries

2005-08-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

I just feel the need to express myself.

Ahh...that's better. So I was thinking about the idea of "No boundaries". Sounds wild and adventurous but it is really just the label on my pajamas that I got from Wal Mart.

Where in life is it good to have no boundaries? In art? In spiritual expression? In creative ideas? In music? In sex? In diet? What appetite benefits from living full on without any boundaries?

Most appetites are destructive if given their full whim. Take emotions for example. If you wanted to fully express your rage, you would probably do some damage to something or someone. Was it worth it? Sadness expressed and allowed to run free is destructive at least to the person that unleashes it all. I supposed happiness and contentment are okay.

Anyway, I was thinking about how cool "no boundaries" probably sounds to teenagers who have lived with boundaries their whole life. New won freedom sometimes is used the wrong way and just leads to enslavement of a different kind. Vices of the normal sex, drugs and rock and roll (okay, well I don't believe you can O.D. on rock and roll) can end up ruling a life. Even the need to be cool and keep an image can self destruct when a person has no boundaries in their life.

Have fun with that thought. Thanks for letting me express myself!!

Created Out of Nothing

2005-07-18T23:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the title itself is somewhat objectional- bear with me.

I was bored. Really, really bored. It was 7 o'clock and I had already eaten dinner at the Elephant Bar where Night of the Living Retirement Home was in full swing. I drank some very good appletinis, but that didn't lift the boredom. The mother ship's honing beacon was turned on the way back to my hotel because I managed to find the street of shopping complete with Ann Taylor and Banana Republic.

Anyway....got back to my room. Checked some blogs. Watched some friends.

BORED BORED BORED BORED

So I went back to the hotel where the convention is being held and met some people. First was Vera (or something like that) who lives in Oakland. She was nice. Saw Bob, the middle aged balding man. Hung out with Bob. He is also safely married. Met some people from Virginia. They left. Guy sat down with me, Bob and Vera. He was laid back and cool. His roomate joined him very much stoned. Vera and I left to another area in the hotel which was supposed to be like a night club. I felt very weird. Text messaged Jeremy. He called. The bass was so loud I didn't hear my phone. Saw he called so I left with promises of being right back. Talked to Jeremy for a while in the 110 degree temprature at 8 at night.

Saw Bob again. Sat at a table with a bunch of middle aged women. Got bored very quickly and had to leave after one woman started going off on how her husband was going to leave her...blah, blah, blah and her teenage daughter joined in. I have to work with teens who are all screwed up because of moms like this so I had to leave.

Saw laid back guy and roomie again. Sat and listened to the guitar player and monopolized the couch. Finally left. Back in my room, completely not tired and thinking I have to get up kinda early. Stink! I hate travelling. I miss Jeremy.

2005-07-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

Why haven't I been writing as often? I am in a strange time warp in life right now. Things are happening so quickly they don't seem to be happening at all. I don't have time to really adjust to anything that is going on because so many things are coming and going in my life right now.

AJ moved out. My sister is moving away at the end of July. My younger brother and sister-in-law moved back last weekend. I started paying a ridiculous amount of money to help my business that I own. I am trying to get a credit line on my house so I can get some things around here remodeled. My husband quit his job. He starts a new one this week. He has started having more and more responsibility with the teens and will probably be taking over the whole youth program in a month or two. I am trying to help him out more with that as I am the super administrative sort with tons of ideas to implement. I am going to California (Palm Desert- wanna come visit, Greg?) and Minnesota so I won't be around at all the last two weeks of this month.

I have to do things everyday that I don't want to do. When I was a kid, there was always the threat of a spanking or some sort of punishment if I didn't do what I was supposed to. There were cookies and time with mom when I was a good kid. Life has it's innate rewards and punishments and I have my own intrinsic and external motivations in life.

If I stop and think about all the little things in life I have to handle (won't bore you with details) and all the things I am required to deal with, I get panicky and overwhelmed. But in a day to day existence, things march in, things march out and I continue to function at my best knowing something is required of me and some things make a difference in life in so many different lives other than mine. The thing is, I never know what makes a difference while I am doing it so I have to give my full energy and attention to whatever the task at hand might be.

End of the Lion Hat Era

2005-07-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

Enough with the lion hat already.

I made a large financial commitment to help my business grow and now I am scared because what if it doesn't and I just threw all that money out of the window? It's not like I don't already have enough bills to worry about paying for and I just added a hefty one. So wish me luck on doing what I am supposed to be doing everyday starting tomorrow because I sure am nervous. Although, I am nervous enough to create some action to make sure I don't fall into some sort of financial hole.

Has anyone else ever taken a gamble in hopes of a large win? How did it go?

EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! (Someone will know what that sounds like.)

Ferreting Out the Truth

2005-06-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

I was driving in Prescott on Thursday behind a Jeep Cherokee with a bumper sticker that looked like a "Got Milk" ad. But it didn't say "Got Milk". I had to drive up closer to read what it said. I thought my eyesight was going bad when I deciphered, "Got Ferrets". I decided to ride the tail of the Jeep in order to be sure. Yup. "Got Ferrets" it said.

I thought that was hillarious. A ferret nut. Instead of a single lady with 20 cats, she probably has 20 ferrets. Then I started to wonder where she got such a bumper sticker. I don't think I have ever seen anything like it, even at PetSmart or some other shop where pets are given the rank of humans.

I started to wonder if she got it from a ferret convention. Wouldn't that be funny? A bunch of ferret owners getting together. I wonder if they would be pretty much the same members that show up to a Star Wars convention. Are there specialized bumper stickers at those conventions, like Got Force? I dunno.

I wonder if it is a huge dating scene, these Ferret conventions. Don't get lovin' all year, but show up at one of these as a sad, dilapidated 40 year old woman and presto bango, serviced! (Although you were just serviced by a man named Jeff who has a potbelly the size of a 4' egg with balding hair he has grown out to his shoulders to make up for the bald patch in the middle who either has a job at a call center for customer service or is a cranky tech guy at some skyscraper Fortune 500 company.)

Sneak One By

2005-06-20T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's official- Real life has taken over blogging!

Just to confirm, I am totally strange. I know it isn't good to hear voices in one's head, but what about faint bass lines? I am trying to sleep and it sounds like a neighbor is having a large party but all I can hear is the faint bass line through the insulation of my home. I check at all the windows and doors and I don't hear anything. Satisfied that I have conquered the sound by my mere presence, I lay back down, only to have it start again.

I lay in bed (patiently) for fifteen minutes and the noise seems to be growing louder. I can almost pick out a melody. I get up, go the the windows. Nothing. I go to the doors. Nothing. I resign and eat a bowl of cereal and blog.

What's Next?

2005-06-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I have anything to say. I thought I did, but I have a headache and now I am looking at this big blank BOX and I don't know what I was going to say.

J finally (FINALLY) quit his job. I have been telling him for years to do it. They treat him like dirt and he's a really good worker. We live in a small town, he has a great reputation and I am sure someone will snatch him up in a heartbeat.

However, this sense of things not being in their place makes me feel discontent. The job, the house in the neighborhood I don't like, lots of contributing factors make me wonder where all of this is headed. I feel restless. I need to just stay the course and ride things out but I suddenly have a wild hair. I am frustrated because I know in life I have a lot more potential than what I am currently doing. I don't want to sit around waiting for life to happen and have it all pass me by. I want to really use everything I have to do something more than I am doing now. I know a lot more talent and resources have been placed in me than what is being used. I feel an itching to break free and go for the gusto and start doing something different, something that counts in the grand scheme of things.

Now, I know. People are going to say that I can be effective and make a difference right where I am at. You are right. I am not denying that or taking it for granted. I feel like I am at critical mass and ready to move into the next atmosphere or something. I feel like a soda can that has been shaken up and is ready to be opened. I am being bubbly right where I am at, but if someone would just pop the top, I would be much more than I am right now.

A sticky mess, I guess is what I am aspiring to be!

Sweet and Sour

2005-06-10T23:26:00.000-07:00

I am moving out of my neighborhood. I am going to buy a piece of land and build a house. I came home and noticed an egg in my driveway. Some person suffering from boredom and bad aim decided to send two eggs flying into my house. No harm, no foul but a little bit of the yolk got on the car so I had to wash that off at 10:30 tonight so it wouldn't dry and ruin the paint job. So stupid.

In other news, I have this enormous bathtub in my master bathroom. It is one of those tubs that a 6' tall person can fit into comfortably, complete with jets. It's lovely. I was taking a bath, reading my book (always reading) and J walked in with his guitar and serenaded me. Not only did he sing to me, he sang our wedding song. Not only did he sing our wedding song, the wedding song is the song he wrote for me, a J original. How romantical!

I'm not ticking

2005-06-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. I think God forgot to install a clock in me. You know, the biological one. Either that, or it is set to go off so late I won't be able to do anything about it.

I am going to pontificate about children some more. I am 28 and a half! (And a half people!) Most people have kids by my age or want them. I love kids. I love babies, toddlers and teenagers. The ages of 8-12 don't thrill me but that isn't my deal stopper. And I am not sure what my deal stopper is for having children. I find them amusing. I think they are everything adults should try to be for the most part. I love their laughs, the fact that their skin is perfect, that they say clever things all the time, and they accept things for what they are.

I have the energy to keep up with them. I can out do them in most cases. I even have the discpline to keep a schedule and be a happy, well adjusted mom.

But I don't want to do it. Looking into the eyes of a child doesn't out weigh the lack of sleep. Holding little fingers doesn't undo the projectile poop from the day before. Hearing the laugh doesn't make all the dirty dishes and dirty diapers go away.

I don't see in my mind how it is worth everything. I am sure kids are worth it all. 99% of parents say it is. (I feel sorry for the poor bastards that make up the remaining 1%.) I just don't have it figured out. I don't comprehend with my mind how these little people make up for all of the work that is required.

So I believe I might be done talking about children for a while. I feel like I SHOULD want to have them. I wouldn't be disappointed if I did get pregnant, but I don't desire and crave and have to have a child. I think someone went in and cut the red wire before I was set to go off.

Gezundheidt (You know what I mean!)

2005-06-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

It is beautiful outside with blue skies and a very sunny sun. The wind is breezy. Flowers are blooming. The air smells wonderful. Therefore, my sinus are backed up, I have no energy, my ears feel like they have an ice pick down them and of course, a great big headache.

I need to go get my allergy prescriptions refilled. It seems like a huge feat to go take a shower, do my hair (which is now overdue for it's regular beautifying) and put on my face. If I don't do it, I will be miserable for even longer.

I miss my friend's baby still. (No, this does not mean I want to have kids. I just wish hers were closer.) I keep hearing his baby laugh. You know the baby laugh right? The one that is clear as a bell and gurgly. Why does Colorado have to be so far away?

Stood Up

2005-06-07T10:37:00.000-07:00

I am all irritated and bent out of shape.

I love getting my hair done. Love it. I have an appointment today. I went. I got there a bit early. The shop was closed. I waited. I waited some more. I got bored of waiting and decided to go to the post office and mail my friend in Colorado the pictures from my vacation along with some coloring books.

Came back. Still no sign of Raul the Hairdresser. Decided he blew off work today. Thanks for calling, buddy!

I thought maybe I had the time written down wrong. I have called the shop about five times. No answer.

Now I am feeling all pissy and grumpy and I don't want to do anything. I drove half an hour there and half an hour back and missed an important office meeting that wasn't as important as getting my hair done. My poor hair needs a lift. I just want to watch a movie or take a nap or read. I really have work I should go to Sedona to do, but I am all bent out of shape. My hair looks like crap. I am all irritated.

I should write a dark, meaningful play about Raul the Hairdresser.

Changes

2005-06-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

The first two days of being back I mostly slept. Isn't that the greatest blog story ever? I am sure if nothing else, it is the most exciting, riveting read you have had in a while.

I miss my friends and their families. They have a lot going on and I only get glimpses of it every couple of years. I really should move to Colorado!

In other news, I am back into my routine. I am a routine kind of person. I get up, let the dogs out to go to the bathroom, make my coffee, let the dogs in to feed them, read and have some quiet time, let the dogs inside, clean the house a little, blog and then get ready. I like having a routine. I am a routine kind of person.

However, I don't like my routine to be set in stone. I hate too much predictability. I could never have a job where I had to sit for the day and do the same tasks over and over again.

I can be married to the same person. I can live in the same house. I can keep the same dogs. I go to the same grocery store.

I cannot keep the same wardrobe. I have to change the towels and other decorations. I have to park somewhere different every once in a while. I have to buy different trash bags. Every six weeks, I try to get a different hair do.

Ring My Bell

2005-06-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

(A few pictures from Colorado below.)

So spending four days with a house full of children has given me a new perspective of a mom's life.

The people I usually associate with worry about things like being polite at the table when they go out to eat, having a great hair day, wearing the latest trend for an outfit and taking a shower daily.

I went to eat with my friends, their husbands and the five children at a Chinese buffet. I didn't have time to manage to get my shower in that morning because I woke up at 6 and felt the need to clean the kitchen and living room. By the time I was done, the baby was awake and my friend was still sleeping because we had gone out to the bar the night before and she's not used to being out until 11:30 at night anymore. So the day progressed and by the time lunch rolled around and we were leaving, it never crossed my mind to take my shower. I think the husbands managed to get clean. I don't think anyone else was.

At the lunch table, I was eating a chicken skewer thing. A bite of chicken had a bunch of gristle and fat. Usually, I would discreetly wipe my mouth and the chicken would end up in the napkin or I would just eat it so I didn't appear to have disgusting table habits. At lunch with the two families, sitting across from the two four year olds, I just picked it out of my mouth with my fingers and put it back on my plate. No one noticed.

My girlfriends are no longer worried about the designer labels, the latest hair fashion, whether their shoes match the diaper bags or table manners. They don't worry about if the car is clean. They worry about if diapers are clean, if the kids are going to hurt themselves, and nap time. They concern themselves with making meals, cleaning dishes and making sure the kids are happy. There is no more quiet time or leisure time in their schedules. They are lax in so many areas but are really concerned about really basic things that I never even stop to think about.

After this trip, I am still not sure that raising kids are for me. My best friend's husband says my maternal instincts are really good, but I think it was all the nanny jobs I had in high school and college. I cannot listen to a kid cry and not do something to make the crying stop. I thought I would be relieved to get away from the constant overwhelming noise and activity and in some ways I am but in a lot of ways, I am not. Their kids are seriously great fun and full of life. There is something you get being around a kid a lot that you can't get in any other way. They want to please, they are easily amused, and they are full of ideas. They are most of the things adults wished they wouldn't have lost somewhere along the way.

During my nap today, I dreamt about Ben, the baby in the photo below. Ben and I spent a lot of time together. I miss him. I miss my friends. Their kids are incredible even if they are incredibly overwhelming. (Four boys and one girl probably doesn't help either.) I think being a mom is the hardest, most unappreciated job ever. It requires so much more than my job. My life is still very much about me, even though I give chunks of it away to my husband, the teens I mentor and my clients. I still get my hair done every six weeks. I get pedicures. I get my eyebrows waxed. I go shopping. I spend a minimal amount of time in my house. My dogs are the most demanding relationship I have because they have to eat on their time schedule.

I am going to stop rambling now. I think motherhood is rival to the demands of being a Marine and has a much longer tour of duty. I would have rung the bell already.

Me & my best friend.

The three amigos in Colorado!

The baby- I really miss the little guy and kissing those cheeks!

The middle child.

The oldest kid. (See why I miss them?)

It's Almost Midnight

2005-06-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

It's almost midnight and I am sorta drunk blogging. I haven't even checked my email in 3 days yet I am writing you peeps to say hi.

Everything is fine. We went to the dueling piano bar tonight that Star talked about. We had fun. I had fun after the second drink. Thought I might have saw Star as I was walking in. Short blonde with brown eyes- just got a few second glance but she was staring at me like she knew me and it was in front of a place Star has been so I thought it might be her. Dunno.

So, beotch actually went out of her way to apologize and is no longer a beotch. In fact, she is very much like she was our freshman year of college when we were basically best friends. She said she was sorry and cried and everything. I love her. I always have which is why I wanted to hate her for so long even though at the same time I wanted to forgive her. So I can finally forgive her and we really have had a nice time and it makes me want to cry because we missed so many years together. :o( She has wanted to say sorry for five years. I have wanted to forgive her for about three. So stupid.

My bestfriend whom I came to visit is stressed with her three boys all four years old and younger. It makes me sad to see my friend worn so thin. She gives everything to her three precious boys and the husband wants everything else.

Amber's National Vacation

2005-05-31T09:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Blogger,

I am leaving to go to Colorado. My flight leaves early tomorrow morning so I will be staying in Phoenix tonight. All of my laundry is done so I can choose which outfits I want to wear. I was thinking of having a T-shirt made with a picture of me, my friend and my arch enemy back in the college days where we were all dressed as hookers. I thought that would be the perfect shirt to wear around the first day I am there. It would really piss off my arch enemy and get under her skin because she is now a "holier-than-thou" type to a T and probably wants no record of herself ever sinking to the level of dressing as a hooker for fun. Although in college, she was the one showing all the guys the picture when I didn't want it shown to anyone. It was really just a joke between the three of us. We no longer have jokes between the three of us, so this might be a good new joke!

I shall resist the urge. I think.

I am very much looking forward to visiting with my best friend and her boys. Her husband kind of stays out of our way which is fine with me. My friend and I have a little too much fun most of the time and I don't think we have ever been drunk together. We just click. Same sense of humor, close personality types without being exactly the same so we can still get along.

Last night I had a dream about my arch enemy and her husband saying that their kids were crying because their kids could sense that I was possesed by evil spirits. I woke up trying to figure out why I have to see them. Why?

I think because (being that I believe in things we can't see) that I honestly have to deal with this beotch and apply all that I know now and all that I am now to that broken relationship. I don't need to be friends with her ever again, but I have to heal or everytime someone talks about unforgiveness, I will know she is my one unforgiven.

So wish me luck. Luck that I will have a blast. Luck that I won't kill said arch enemy. Luck that I will succeed in finally just getting over the whole thing and put it behind me.

I might have time to post. If I do, it will probably just be pictures as my brain will not be working due to the fact that I will be surrounded by five kids and said arch enemy.

Blow Off

2005-05-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

I have been robbed! I feel cheated. It's all my sister's fault. Well, we always blame everything on Nathan, so we'll say it's Nathan's fault.

She has been bugging me for weeks to go on an early morning hike with her in Sedona. I have been busy. Last night I got a call that freed me for half the weekend so over the martinis, I asked her if she wanted to get up early today to go on the hike.

She said no.

And why can't she? She can't go hiking today because she has to clean a bathroom! (In whiny voice: "But it's top to bottom.")

I feel like I just got the blow off, "I can't go on a date tonight because I'll be washing my hair."

You know the real reason? In my absence over the last few weeks she has found a new hiking buddy AND Josh called her to go hiking on Monday. So she knows she's gonna get her hiking quota filled this weekend. I swear, life with Annalisa: Enter man, Exit Annalisa.

I guess I need to find a new hiking buddy. It shouldn't be too hard being that I live in the nature capital of the world. Plus, making new friends is always good.

I've Been Liberated

2005-05-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

Make hay while the sun is shining.

It has been shining and I have been as busy as the proverbial one legged butt kicker or one armed paper hanger. (That's really busy in case you didn't know.)

So I was convinced I had to work all weekend long. I had a day off on Tuesday but all the days are a blur and as far as not thinking or talking to anyone relating to work on my days off- that hasn't happened in a month.

I had high maintenance lady to work with this weekend. She is even dragging me out tonight to work with her because it was all the time she had. Then, she had me commit to her all day tomorrow and possibly most of Sunday.

Hallelujah! Her cat got really sick so she has to take her cat in for surgery tomorrow and wants to spend time with her cat so I don't have to work with her until Sunday afternoon.

I have a whole day and a half off. What am I going to do with myself?

Well, in 27 minutes I am celebrating my emancipation with an apple martini. I am hoping to fit my Star Wars movie in there somewhere. (I had to bring it up, yes.)

I am a Hiker

2005-05-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

I think I would like to be a writer in theory because I admire the ability of good writers to be able to tell a story in a way that creates a movie in my head and holds me through the end. I like sitting in bed reading, unable to move because I am mesmerised by what I am taking in to the point I will get up and interrupt the story for an emergency potty break sometimes.

But in reality, I have to be able to be on the move. I have to have the responsibility of managing a thousand different tasks at one time and knowing that I create my own wealth and paycheck by my ability to do business. I have to strategize timing. I have to choose which activities to perform and figure out which tasks to write off and no longer pursue. It is feast or famine by my own doing (although I strongly believe in the blessing of God).

I like everyday to be different. I like the ability to work a total of 10 hours one month and blog all day and the following month to work 12 hours a day, six days a week and four hours on the seventh day. I like that somedays I will spend 15 minutes at the computer in the morning and the rest of the day is taken up with phone calls and driving. I like prioritizing and taking off in the middle of the chaos for five days to go to Colorado for the hell of it.

And I don't think writing a book could ever get that crazy or change so drastically so much from one day to the next. I have great respect and a tinge of jealousy towards those who can use words as an art form and turn them into something worthwhile. I think books leave a mark on society (when widely read) that allows the author to continue to be known way after they are gone or no longer writing.

I know what I am doing in business is dust in the wind so to speak. It is why my volunteer work is so important, and yet that only lasts for a generation after me at the most.

Yet I am happy. I am fulfilled. I don't wrestle with demons. I don't loathe aspects of my life. I am able to look everything that comes my way in the proverbial face and deal with it and make it fit into my life and continue on. I don't lay down and take less than the stars because I only got to the moon. I keep pushing until I get where I want to go and I will die trying. I will have purpose until I breathe my last breath. I will always have something more beautiful, more meaningful to strive for. I have never reached a mountaintop and not seen another one in the distance to strike out for. I have never felt that I have arrived. I have never given up because I have felt like I should have arrived by now.

I have never gotten angry because there was no easy way to the top. I have never felt guilty for getting to the top because half the people quit and were still sitting in the valley. I am proud of the fact that I always get up. I rest. I find still pastures. I enjoy the scenery on the way. Heck, I even stop to smell the roses. I am rarely the first to the mountaintop, but I thouroughly enjoy the trip up.

I strap my boots on and take routes that are rarely trod. I balance many aspects of life where most can only concentrate on one or two. I spend time on what is important to me and I don't let my values get trod on to get to the top. I see the most spectacular beauty in life because of the ways that I go.

I Ran Out of Time

2005-05-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

Bizzee as a beaver- you best believe her.

That is 90s rap, thank you very much. Yes, it is classy, high brow stuff. Glad you noticed.

Have I mentioned lately that life is fun? Well then, let me tell you- Life is fun.

I will finish posting later- must go now.

Ta-ta!

Books on the Brain

2005-05-24T12:26:00.000-07:00

Star had questions about my reading habits. I said it earlier and I'll say it again, I love these things. Woo hoo. And I do a lot more reading than listening to music or watching movies.

1. How much do you read?

Every day. Sometimes just for five minutes, sometimes for hours."

2. Favorite genre(s)?

I like fiction novels that have lots and lots of action. Spy novels are great. Therefore, I could never be part of Oprah's book club. I have never read those great modern books geared towards females like "He's not that into you" or anything.

3. What qualities must a book have to keep you up reading all night?
Fast paced plot. I cannot put a John Grisham book down once I start.

4. How do you find something to read?
I have plenty of books at home. I also will go buy books at WalMart. I take what’s readily available. I go to the library sometimes but when I forget to return a book on time, I always feel guilty and quit going for a while.

5. Favorite books and why?

Gone with the Wind- The pictures the author paints in my head are amazing. I also love the characters.

Til We Have Faces by CS Lewis- This is the myth of Cupid and Psyche retold. It is a really good read and so intense I am sure I miss at least half the meaning.

Walking Drum by Louis LaAmour- (Not a western.) I like it because it shows so many areas and customs and gives a lot of history of the world in the 12th Century.

Addtional Favorites: I love almost anything by Clive Cussler, JA Jance, John Grisham, Robert Ludlum, Michael Crichton and Dean Koontz. I used to get very involved in Tom Clancy books but he is too long winded in his descriptions of stuff that doesn’t add to the plot but just shows he did his research. I recently became interested in Vince Flynn.

I grew up reading all of the time. 99% of the time I could be found riding a bike or reading a book in my free time. I had a sophmore high school level reading skill in 3rd grade and a college level by 5th grade. I read a lot of fluff for fun because honestly I just like to turn my brain off and get lost in a book. I have read many of the classics, but I have to concentrate to read them. :)

6. What are you reading right now and is it any good?

Funny enough, I am reading "The Walking Drum" right now. I reread books quite often. I am also reading “What’s So Amazing about Grace” by Philip Yancey. I think he is a great Christian author. (My favorite one he wrote was “The Jesus I Never Knew”.) I am also constantly reading the Bible. I can see how people who don’t believe in God or Christ would get a lot out of the stories, too. They are universal truths and can apply to anyone on so many different levels.

7. Paperback or hard back?

Paperback. I have really, really old hard back books written in German from some ancestor in my house. I only buy hard back if they are on sale or if a book I was waiting to be released comes out.

8. Any great quotes?

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Actually, I am a quote nut and I would bore everyone to tears.

I'M GOING TO COLORADO!!!!!

2005-05-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

God has a sense of humor, or he at least likes irony.

Guess what???????????

My sister is the best sister ever. She wins the hero award of the day. She found a roundtrip ticket for me to Denver for $130!!!

So I bought the ticket and then called my best friend. The dates were a few days later than we had discussed. I will miss the Bolder Boulder. She said the new dates were fine and I replied, "Good because I already bought the plane ticket."

So we are talking and having much fun and hillarity is abounding and the shoe drops. She has a house guest right now until the end of July. Who might that be? The one person in the world that I can truly say I do not like.

So God has a sense of humor cuz I was just reading a book last week about forgiveness and feeling all guilty because of my shortage in that area where this house guest is concerned and I even wrote a six sentence letter to her that I had intended to mail but never called to get her address.

I guess I now know what her address is.

This was blogger spam that V sent me. It is so exciting! (I really do love these goofy things.)

Films
Total number of films I own on dvd?
95

The last film I bought?
Napoleon Dynamite

The last film I watched on TV?
Twister

In the cinema?
Monster In Law- I actually hate these kind of movies but my sister and I were drunk and couldn't drive and needed to hang out somewhere for a while to sober up. It was starting when we weaved our way over the the box office.

Five films that I watch a lot or mean a lot to me.
1. Dumb & Dumber
2. Star Wars Trilogy (I KNOW)
3. Harry Potter movies
4. Sleepy Hollow
5. Evolution

No movies mean a lot to me, I just watch them over and over.

I'm passing this onto:
Whoever wants to give it a whirl!!!

Who Is Their Chauffer to the Nut Farm?

2005-05-23T05:32:00.000-07:00

The Sedona crazies are a common occurrence. We have had our share of characters. I don't know if they flock here because being a large hippie-new age town they figure they will be accepted or if they are crazy because of all the shrooms and stuff over the years.

We have our local favorites like The Bird Lady who got the name for standing in a busy intersection in town and flipping everyone off going north/south and then turning ninety degrees to flip everyone off traveling east/west. She then walked through the intersection on her happy way after displaying her evident displeasure with the citizens of Sedona on the whole. She will be seen walking around town often swearing and arguing with her cup. (I could blog about encounters with her for a while.)

We also have Jesus. He wears a large diaper looking thing and nothing else. He walks all over town with his long, long hair and barely clothed body. Rumor has it that he shows up to court in Armani suits. (I should mention Bird Lady also is a very rich heiress.)

There is The Ninja Guy. He walks around swathed in full black even during the summer. He has been arrested for hacking a harmless bush in Uptown with the sword he always carries on his back while raving about the injustices the bush had inflicted upon the ninja man.

We have The Waver. He is truly in the Guinness Book of World Records for a record number of waves. He walks from the Village of Oak Creek to West Sedona every day waving at people. He is only here during the cooler months though. I do not know where he goes to wave during the summer. I once gave him a ride. I don't remember much about it.

I have heard about several other crazy people, like the purple guy who painted his house purple, wore purple everyday and even painted his dog purple. However, he jumped off of a bridge to his death. Purple must not be a happy color.

And yesterday, I found someone else to add to the list of Sedona nuts. I was waiting at an intersection (oddly enough, it's the same one where The Bird Lady earned her name) with my clients. We were waiting at the red light and in the cross walk, this guy in his 30s was walking across. Walking is a loose term here. He was the worlds slowest man. And I don't mean he was slow moving like some old people in the grocery store who shuffle. It looked like this guy was literally moving in super slow motion. He took one very infinitesimally small step every couple of seconds. He did manage to get across the street without anyone running him over, but I am pretty sure it took him about 45 seconds to pass the width of my car.

My client said, "I sure hope he doesn't have to walk up any hills. He won't make it."

I added that if he tried to go up a hill, the rate of his speed would be countered by the speed of the earth's rotation and he can walk and never go anywhere at that rate.

Now you know why I am somewhat accepted as normal in this corner of the world.

2005-05-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

Porkchop handed the stick to me. So, here we go.

01. Total volume of music files on my computer?

I don’t know. I have used about half of my iTunes storage. We have 500 real CDs so burning them to the computer seems like a waste of time, really.

2. The last CD I bought was?

I ordered a whole load from BMG recently. I got Eric Clapton, Alicia Keys, Genius Loves Company (with Ray Charles), Jeremy Camp, Hoobastank, Kelly Clarkson (Shhhh…that’s our secret), Building 427, Seven Places and Skillet.

03. Song playing right now:

Lincoln Brewester- Nothing but the Blood

04. Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me(in no particular order):

1. One- U2
2. Dare You To Move- Switchfoot
3. If Tomorrow Never Comes- Garth Brooks
4. One Way- Hillsong
5. Shut Up- Black Eyed Peas

05. Which 5 people are you passing this baton to, and why?
1. Annalisa- Because she is a music freak
2. Gruveb- Because he is a music freak
3. Greg- Because I am curious what kind of music he likes
4. Star- Because I would be interested to know what Star listens to
5. KelBel- Because I have never picked her for anything

The Countdown Began Yesterday

2005-05-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

Today is my faux day off. Being self-employed with clients, it is hard to have a real day off. So today I decided I would relax and take a break from my huge money making scheme. I have to work tomorrow and probably Sunday and then start a week all over again, so today is my weekend.

I woke up at 10:08. I am off to a great start. I have to go to the high school graduation ceremony tonight. I know 5 teens that are graduating and one of them is singing the National Anthem. Should be really dull and boring. I shall have the feeling of gouging my eyes out at least twice but I will survive.

So wish me lots of laziness and wasted time today as I strive for relaxation!

I Want

2005-05-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

Can we talk about me now?

Oh wait, this is a blog where that is essentially all we do. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of "Let's Talk about Amber".

I have two things I want very much right now.

One is to go to Colorado over Memorial Day weekend. I was going to drive to Denver. My ride dropped out. Now I have no one to ride with me and I don't want to take that long trip by myself. My bestfriend from college lives in Longmont and I miss her. Haven't seen her in over two years. She has had a child since and everything!! Last night I had a dream that I went to see her and her 3 boys drew me pictures and taped them up on the walls so I would feel special when I came to visit. My friend and I have a connection that is timeless and I am sad because I am not going to be able to go unless God sends someone my way this week. I haven't had the courage to call her and tell her yet because it was set in stone...apparently it was soft stone.

The second thing I want is to go see the Star Wars movie that just came out.

I should be able to get at least 50% of what I want I guess.

Buckle Your Seatbelt. This is a Convoluted Ride.

2005-05-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

The lion hat...why would I post a pic of myself in the lion hat?

Well, I figured image is everything, especially in blogland. You can't hear me. You can only read me and visualize me. What better way to introduce myself as myself than to post a pic of me in a gay lion hat?

The expectation is that maybe that is a camouflaged helmet so I don't hurt myself from being the immense retard that I truly am. I mean, you wouldn't want me to hurt myself after the shots of vodka and Diet Dr. Pepper, right? Plus the picture shows that I truly find things amusing and I can't be all that bright or hard to please. That sums me up: Not to bright and easy to amuse. I think someone wrote that in my yearbook once. I think it was because of the time I was running into class and slid on the tile and somehow ended up in the splits when I don't do the splits. It was quite cool.

I have a suspicion that my newly acquired roommate’s girlfriend (soon to be fiancée) is jealous of me. I stopped at Wendy's for a salad at lunch and The Roomie works near there so he sat with me while I ate. The gf called. He walked outside and talked, came back and was saying, "I work all day. Where do you think I am........I probably didn't answer because I was working.......She stopped to get lunch.....We were talking about making bucket-loads of cash so I can buy you a big fat ring....."

He got off the phone and said, "As you can probably tell, she's mad at me. I don't know why." He seemed truly confused. She seems truly jealous. Maybe not of me. Maybe she's just suspicious of him all the time. I wouldn't know.

A Sigh

2005-05-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like the white rabbit with the watch. I keep running and thinking I am in a hurry. Plus, I lead curious people astray. I am in the middle of a busy day and probably shouldn't even be blogging. I will be late. OH well. Then I can look at my pocket-watch and say, "Oh my whiskers!" That should be fun.

I sent money to India today through Western Union. It was quite exciting. They have weird names, addresses and phone numbers. I can imagine him going to the local 7-11 to collect. Should be fun!

Hey! Hey..Hey! Baby I Got Your Money!

2005-05-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

My life of laziness has been interupted with actual life of productivity. I mean, I have multiple client meetings tomorrow. I realize this isn't nearly as exciting as multiple orgasms or anything, but it is still not all that common. (Don't even start!)

I decided to actually establish a monetary goal for the rest of the year. I am tired of living with a bank balance of a just graduated college student. It has gotten better recently, but I am sick of it. Plus, I need another ring for my other hand with more carats than previously. I think I should be able to afford my dream ring. (Platinum band, princess cut carat diamond. Very simple but very expensive. I know there is some "new" cut out there, but I want what I want.)

I also want to move in the next couple of years. My neighborhood is becoming ghettofied. I realize that in Arizona, there are more Mexicans than white people. And I don't dislike Mexicans on the basis of being Mexican at all, but when the 13 year old punk boys who wears a wife beater, has a shaved head except for that dumb ponytail thing at the base of his hairline and walks in the middle of the street when cars are coming just to show he's tough and isn't afraid of 4 tons of metal coming at him, it is time to move (or the obvious alternative of running him over but then I would feel guilty). I have a gorgeous house with gorgeous views and an even nicer payment and the cost of a new house is stupid so I have to make enough money to be able to find a house that I can pay for and keep my payments I have now. I don't think God wants me to be mugged by a very ignorant and young wannabe gang banger. So, I figure if I put in the work, the money will come.

In fact, just working this past week after a six month hiatus and I already have almost more business than I know what to do with. Which leads me back to the beginning of this post- multiples.

I think I have to go now......

Amberland Will Resume Its Regular Scheduled Programming

2005-05-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

Heeellllooo blogger peeps. I'm back in full swing which in real life means I am hanging out in my pajamas and being lazy again.

This past week was interesting. My house stayed completely clean. I got projects done. I enjoyed work. I missed commenting on so many funny things, but my life was better for it. Seriously. So I need to find some sort of system or balance in this goofiness of blogging because as interesting as you peeps are, real life is truly more interesting.

I actually watched the sunrise last week. I took my cup of coffee and listened to the twittering birds and watched the pink and light blue turn to orange and red as the sun came along. It was quite cool.

See, cleaning my husband's room started this all. That piece of Amber that had lay dormant for so long came crashing through and started to clean up everything. Everything is in its place. I want to be the helper, the nuturer. I want to see things come together and just be available in any way I can be. I make dinner. I called friends. I was all about real life. Not sleeping, reading, watching movies or blogging. I was ready.

If I'm not available to do something important and I'm supposed to be, then what happens? If I am supposed to be at a certain place or to think of a certain person and I am all involved in something else that consumes me, then what? Is life a quagmire of thousands of possibilities at any time, or can we only do the one thing we are supposed to? Can we resist the feeling to do what we are supposed to and do what we want to do instead?

This is Posting, Not Commenting, Right?

2005-05-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

Withdrawls are hard. Addictions are powerful. I want to comment. I truly do. I have so much to share with the world it is hard to be silent.

Martinilove- You cracked me up with the whole foot stealing guy. Keeps a necklace of toes. Lovely!!

Annalisa- Letuce tentacles? Eeeew.

V- No more driving on May 11th. I am glad you are safe.

(This constitues as blogging, not commenting, right?)

Luke- I don't understand not liking Star Wars. I love Star Wars. I am not a freak about it, but I think they are great movies.

TG- I was going to ask in Luke's comments if you name was Luke as well.

Greg- You should open an all you can eat Mexican buffet. That should mix the two cultures together well. Plus, it sounds really really good. MMMM. I just made myself hungry.

Philip- I wouldn't know if that is why I named you as BET. I will just nod and smile, okay?

And I am glad everyone liked my Channel Blog. It was fun to put together.

Oh, and Star- you won't be around to read this but I hope you have fun in New Orleans.

Jyn- Congrats on finishing your studies for now.

Amber in the Middle

2005-05-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

I can't NOT post. I have nothing to say and I feel that I must say something.

SOMETHING!

Okay, I am going to confess. (This is my confessional after all. Too bad I'm not Catholic. I wouldn't have to see a priest. This would be my cyber priest and he could tell me to clean the house for pennance or something. Why do they believe in pennance if they believe that sin was nailed to a cross and the ultimate sacrifice paid? Anyway...I digress. Sorry.) I am not commenting on my blog or any other blogs this week. I am trying to be more constructive with my time and see what happens. Don't worry, I will be back to slacker-ville on Monday. I will have to blog about all the comments I wanted to make. It isn't as hard as I thought it would be, but my fingers do itch to click on the comment link and join in the merriment.

Alas, I have grounded myself. I have not been grounded in a very long time. I think the last time I was grounded was at the age of 17 when I told my parents I was out until 2 in the morning because I had to work late. Turns out that 1- I am a bad liar and 2- They had called work looking for me. Who works until 2 am at a place that closes at 10 pm? It seemed rational to me at the time somehow.

Wednesday is Good

2005-05-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

A whole day without posting! Where does the time go?

Yesterday I had to sit in a class all day because we have new state contracts I had to learn about. I am now more educated than last time I posted. Wonder if there will be any difference?

We have had AJ here for barely a week and it is already very, very good. I don't know why, really. He's not here too much but when he is, he likes to be deep (he's 20 and deep so therefore kinda like Greg) in his conversations. My husband stayed up late last night talking to him and ended up in a really good mood. AJ is good for us to have around. Plus, my house is staying clean because I am anal about my house being clean when "people" are here. If my sister was staying with us, it would still be dirty. If my older brother was here, it would be dirty. If my little brother was here, it would be clean. My level of sloppiness is directly related to my level of comfort with you. I even wear a bra at night until I go to bed because I wouldn't want AJ to see my nipples through my shirt. I hate wearing bras after hours.

So I think I am still nutty as ever. Education didn't change me that much. Oh well, have a nice day.